A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when … Читать далее
Dear ____________: Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below: ( ) the tooth could not be found ( ) … Читать далее
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, «Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?» The doctor answered, «Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy … Читать далее
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the … Читать далее
A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, «I had an affair with a woman… almost.» The priest says, «what do you mean almost?» The man says, «Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.» The priest replies, «Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not … Читать далее
Two men are talking. The first sez, «I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.» «Amazing,» said the second, «I just got divorced for the very same reasons.»
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount … Читать далее
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Tokyo, Japan: A bull bound for slaughter gave its handlers the slip Wednesday and escaped into Tokyo’s teeming streets. The 1,300-pound bull, shipped in from southern Japan, thundered down the gangplank as … Читать далее
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, «But you just got a new pair last month!» «Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,» stammered the private. «Accident, what kind of an accident?» … Читать далее
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. «Elliot,» she said, pointing «do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?» The husband looked over and nodded. «Well,» the woman continued, «he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!» The husband returned … Читать далее
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. «Will you state your name?» asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her … Читать далее
No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change a lightbulb? A1. Define «change» A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out? A3. Don’t use the word «posters» to describe us, it’s offensive to large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls. A4. That question … Читать далее
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in — law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and … Читать далее
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: «Super Pussy!» The old man says: «I’ll have the soup.»
«Dad, can i ask you something?» «Sure! What about?» «You see, I’m already fourteen and…I think it’s just proper that i should own one.» «And what is this ‘one’ you’re referring to?» «Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?» «No.» «My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.» «Nope.» «It will be … Читать далее
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, «You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.» «Really,» said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. «What is it?» «Back to back.» «But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.» «Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple … Читать далее
An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, «You’re really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?» «I fell overboard,» says the Captain, «and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark … Читать далее
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also … Читать далее
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, «I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.» Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, «Jesus … Читать далее
I know I haven’t known you very long and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven’t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me … Читать далее
Top Signs You’re At A Bad Motel The «complimentary» paper tells you that President Kennedy has died. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it. The «magic fingers vibration» is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes … Читать далее
REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST — All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want! — Clark Kent style safety glasses . — Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances. — The «opportunity» to deal with irate clients asking «where are my results?» — Because it’s pHun 🙂 — Access to 100% pure … Читать далее
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, «Do you smoke or drink?» «No,» he replied, «I’ve never done either.» «Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?» inquired the doctor. «No, I’ve never done any of those things either.» «Well … Читать далее
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. «Fifteen dollars, … Читать далее
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered «When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.» … Читать далее
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised … Читать далее
It is common for draftsmen to sprinkle SCUMEX (powdered rubber eraser) on tracings prior to doing any drawing on it. This reduces smearing of the pencil marks and such and results in a cleaner tracing. At a former employers we had replaced the Scumex at one draftsmans desk with dried parmesian cheese. It looked about … Читать далее
A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. «Jesus is watching you!» «who’s there?» The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. «What’s your name,» the robber asked. «Cocodora» said the parrot. «Now, what kind of … Читать далее
DATE COMPANY ADDRESS CITY, STATE, ZIP Attention: _____________________ Dear ____________________, Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations! We are still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month ago. I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was … Читать далее
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit … Читать далее
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, «Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth … Читать далее
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. «I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest», said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. «I would like to marry a … Читать далее
Theorem: n=n+1 Proof: (n+1)^2 = n^2 + 2*n + 1 Bring 2n+1 to the left: (n+1)^2 — (2n+1) = n^2 Substract n(2n+1) from both sides and factoring, we have: (n+1)^2 — (n+1)(2n+1) = n^2 — n(2n+1) Adding 1/4(2n+1)^2 to both sides yields: (n+1)^2 — (n+1)(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 = n^2 — n(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 This may … Читать далее
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. «It did? I’m sorry to hear that,» she replied. Two days later, Mr. … Читать далее
«You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,» said the new tenant’s neighbor. «Why on earth did you get married?» «I suppose it was the old business of ‘opposites attract’,» was the reply. «He wasn’t pregnant and I was.»
Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If so, have I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water soluble, crystalline red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and wait for them to take a leak. (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it goes … Читать далее
How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the … Читать далее
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with «This was England’s finest hour.» Little Suzy instantly jumped up … Читать далее
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I. Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate. … Читать далее
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon. The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, «Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover? Long time no see.» A frosty silence prevailed until the … Читать далее
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can’t they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and … Читать далее
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium — he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat … Читать далее
Learning — or better still, thinking up — names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being «Who smelled it, dealt it,» or «The smeller’s the feller.» Occasionally, this oral tradition has … Читать далее
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk — the ghost which ‘lived’ there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, … Читать далее
A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: «I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?» The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: «Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! … Читать далее
1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work. 2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We … Читать далее
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, «Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since … Читать далее
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following; «Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come … Читать далее
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, «What can I do for you?» The man said, «Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?» The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, «There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.» And he then charged … Читать далее