Jokes

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for … Читать далее

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy’s amazement, when … Читать далее

Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), … Читать далее

The ship is sinking. Panic, screams and confusion. One of the passengers turns to the captain: — How to the nearest land!? — Two miles. — And in what direction to swim!? — Down..

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar. The bartender turned around and said, «Is this some kind of a joke?»

HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! (The Thanksgiving Special) Step 1:Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step … Читать далее

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend … Читать далее

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. «You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?» The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, «Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?» The client looked back and said, «I … Читать далее

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: «Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?» One young woman’s answer: «Because they won’t … Читать далее

A little boy went up to his father and asked: «Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?» The father replied: «Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.»

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting….she says «I’m breaking up with you.» «Why??» he asks. She says «because you are a pedophile». He says «Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that’s an awfully big word for a 10 year old.»

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. «Why are you eating grass?», he asked one man. «We don’t have any money for food.», The poor man replied. … Читать далее

Judi went to a «Dude Ranch» on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle. Judi asked what the difference was. «Well, one has a horn and the other doesn’t.» «Just get the one without the horn. I don’t think we’ll run into too much traffic out here.»

Signs your sick of the holidays 8. You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes 7. You’re serving reindeer pot pie 6. When you hear, «Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,» you scream, «No! I’m not listening!» 5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun 4. You think … Читать далее

There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future. In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended «Eauuuuuuuuuuuu…» Meaning will … Читать далее

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband’s insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night — only to find a cucumber in his hand. «Is THIS», she asked, pointing to the vegetable, «what you’ve been using on me for … Читать далее

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg? 1) You only get laid once. 2) You only get eaten once. 3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water. 4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 5) The only one that ever sits … Читать далее

It was their first date, and she’d shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, «But enough about me. Let’s talk about you.» She … Читать далее

16 Ways of Knowing You’re in the Desert You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 110 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below … Читать далее

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, «Congratulations sir, you’re the father of twins.» «What a coincidence!» the man said with some obvious pride. «I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.» The nurse returned in a … Читать далее

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married. «But you just had two weeks off,» said the boss. «Why didn’t you get married then?» «What and ruin my vacation?» she whined.

I can’t help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you’ve heard men refer to their «performance». Well, even these days I don’t have a lot of trouble with that. But… since I’m now past fifty, the «encores» are getting tuffer and tuffer.

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, «Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?» In a strident voice she responded, «How dare you make such a proposition to me?» The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable … Читать далее

Merry Christmas in Legal Terms Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or … Читать далее

George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. «Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!» … Читать далее

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down … Читать далее

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to … Читать далее

40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 Italian cars don’t start. 32 Water freezes. 30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless. 25 Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you. 20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath. 15 … Читать далее

COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework COURSE 003 PMS — Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly — Don’t Wash My Silks) COURSE 007 Understanding The … Читать далее

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever. If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him «What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?» The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, «A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.» Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in … Читать далее

The woman came to the zoo with her little son. They came to the cage with a mystery big animal in it. -Look, son, this is a whale,-said the woman. -I am sorry, but this is a crocodile,-said the man. -No, this is a whale,-the woman was very stubbron, as a donkey. During this time … Читать далее

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. «That’s terrible!!!» said her husband, «What would you like to do during your last hours? I’ll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.» «Well,» she said, «First, I want to … Читать далее

A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man. «Get over it, buddy,» he said. «It’s not the end of the world.» «It’s all right for you to say,» answered his buddy. «But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed … Читать далее

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. «Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?» the service guy asks. «Boy,» is the man’s response. «Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,» says … Читать далее

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran … Читать далее

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, … Читать далее

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask «Why do we have to learn this stuff?» «To save lives.» the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. «So how does physics save lives?» he persisted. «It … Читать далее

A young boy asked his mother «Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?» «Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?» replied by his mother The young boy answered » The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass … Читать далее

I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly. I hear you are connected to the Police Department — by a pair of handcuffs. Hello — tall, dark and obnoxious! You remind me of the ocean — you make me sick. You should have been born in the … Читать далее

Two friends meet each other on the street. «Hello! Where are you coming from?» asked Bill. «Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law» replied Sid. «I’m so sorry!» said Bill, «But why is your face schratched all over?». «It wasn’t so easy!» said Sid, «She put on a … Читать далее

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself…television, ice cream, homework, video games…but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the … Читать далее

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back … Читать далее

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny. So she said, «If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?» «Somebody else’s pants.» said the Little Johnny.

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: «What was that for?» Wife: «What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written … Читать далее

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) — I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, … Читать далее

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If … Читать далее

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, «Mama! I … Читать далее

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there. REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I’m from the BBC and I’m gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish … Читать далее