Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, «My husband wants me to ask you…» «I know, I know.» the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, «I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late … Читать далее
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, «Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?» «My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and … Читать далее
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what … Читать далее
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. «No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,» he said to himself. He proceeded to … Читать далее
Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says «I gotta go use the can.» So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 … 10… 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and … Читать далее
How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle’s. «Paul… Paul,» He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes … Читать далее
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave… «Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!» and then listened very closely until he heard the … Читать далее
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound … Читать далее
*ring* *ring* «Hello?» Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, «Hello?» «I’ll bet you want me to come into your bedroom,» a male voice whispered huskily, «…undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning.» «Geez,» the woman replied, «you can tell all that from two … Читать далее
A man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for … Читать далее
I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode … Читать далее
WIFE: «There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.» HUSBAND: «Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.» WIFE: «I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.» HUSBAND: «You don’t even know what a carburettor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?» WIFE: «In the pool.»
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. «S’cuse me,» said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. «What was that all … Читать далее
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, «Ma’am, … Читать далее
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush’s health care reform ideas. The old man said «Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle». So, not knowing what he … Читать далее
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, «I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my … Читать далее
God created the mule, and told him, ‘you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: ‘To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more … Читать далее
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on … Читать далее
The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said «Hey! You wanna see my underwear?» Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any. She glanced down and said, … Читать далее
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, «What’ll it be buddy?» The man says, «Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.» The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and … Читать далее
This one hasn’t come up despite the presence of UCLA on the net. I’m led to the sad conclusion that the tradition has died. In the mid ’70s, just before it was overrun by fanatic Dungeons Dragons ™ players, the UCLA Computer Club was host to a long series of «glitter traps.» Example: joke subject … Читать далее
(Sung to the tune of «Winter Wonderland») Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy — although My boss let me go — Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There’s beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted … Читать далее
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They … Читать далее
Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting to unwind. Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews … Читать далее
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual «3 to 1, majority rules» statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. «Oh, God!» he cried. … Читать далее
Hillary and Chelsea were having a deep dish heart to heart talk about Chelsea’s college experiences. Hillary: So have you found dating to be fullflling experience? Chelsea: It’s okay..but i don’t like how the boys sometimes act like real sex hounds. Hillary: Well, uh, have you, uh, actually had sex? Chelsea: Well Mom, no, not … Читать далее
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said … Читать далее
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in … Читать далее
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. «Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!» The driver of the Rolls looked over and … Читать далее
A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said «Your wife’s mind has completely gone!» To which the man replied «I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!»
The Australian liberal party announced today that they are changing their emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party’s political stance : A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages co-operation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles. The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to «cover» him as he approched the store (to police, «cover» means to point your weapons … Читать далее
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said «Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now.» More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their … Читать далее
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ … Читать далее
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist’s office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. «Hmmm,» says the theorist, «That’s exactly where you’d expect to see that peak. Here’s the reason (long logical explanation follows).» In the middle of it, the experimentalist says «Wait a minute», studies the chart for a second, and … Читать далее
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, «I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a … Читать далее
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not … Читать далее
A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless. «Mummy, mummy, what are these?» he says, pointing to her breasts. «Well, son,» she says, «these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.» Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two … Читать далее
The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor «Big Chief no fart.» The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, «Big Chief no fart.» The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him … Читать далее
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus’s sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and … Читать далее
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. «Young lady,» the doctor began, «you’re pregnant.» «But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.» «Well my dear,» said the doctor, «someone in that colony is … Читать далее
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, «Would you like to dance?» The girl says, «I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.» The guy says, «I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.»
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went … Читать далее
DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, … Читать далее
In a similar vein, tell your victim that you have a test of coordination you would like him to try with you. Find a door with a fairly large crack between the door and the wall when the door is open. (You know, over by the hinges; across the width of the door from the … Читать далее
What can you hold without ever touching or using your hands? Ответ: Your breath. —————————————— What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Ответ: Squirrel fur. —————————————— What is neither inside the house, outside the house, but no house is complete without it? Ответ: Windows. —————————————— What is it that everyone always overlooks? Ответ: One’s … Читать далее
When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were: — No Taxes — No Debt — Plenty buffalo — Plenty beaver — Medicine man free — Women did all the work — Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that … Читать далее
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, «Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?»
«Mr. Chilton,» the analyst said, «I think this will be your last visit.» «Does that mean I’m cured?» he asked. «For all practical purposes, yes,» she said. «I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven’t stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania … Читать далее
State of Arkansas Residency Application Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse’s Name: Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister … Читать далее