Dentist: «Would you help me out? I’d like you to give a few of your loudest screams.» Patient: «Why, Doc? It isn’t all that bad this time.» Dentist: «Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the five o’clock Braves game on Channel 4.»
Two prisoners were having a chat. The first one said. «I’ve go two tickets for the warden’s ball, Do you want to buy one?» «No thanks, mate,» said the second guy. «I can’t dance.» «It’s not a dance, mate,» said the first prisoner. «It’s a raffle!»
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, «In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!» So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, «In … Читать далее
«What’s the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine,» the society matron asked the zookeeper. «The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick.» This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager’s office. The zoo manager said, «Ma’am, I apologize for my … Читать далее
«Welcome to Entropy Burgers — may I take your order?» «I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time.» «My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you.» «I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name’s Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I … Читать далее
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. «Young lady,» said the doctor, «you’re pregnant.» «But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.» «Well my dear,» said the doctor, «someone in that colony is … Читать далее
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: «So, where y’all from?» The New York girl said, «From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.» The … Читать далее
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. ‘I’m fine, ‘ Angus said. ‘But there are … Читать далее
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, «help, help, I am having a heart attack», the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run … Читать далее
Two accountants were discussing a colleague’s interest in one of the firm’s new secretaries. «I just don’t get it.» said one. «She’s an airhead — nothing going on upstairs. «That may be true,» replied the other, «but I don’t think that’s the floor he’s getting off on.»
Are computers males or females? You decide. TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE: 5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment. 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection. 3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than … Читать далее
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. «The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is … Читать далее
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of … Читать далее
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, «I’m going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.» … Читать далее
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, «My dear guests. . . I have a proposition to … Читать далее
Pope Dies The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon … Читать далее
Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: «Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that’s 150, you’ll get a 25% discount!» The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other: «We could eat the 30, … Читать далее
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone … Читать далее
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, «Yes, I am happy … Читать далее
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, «Does this fellow have any money?» The daughter shook her head sadly. «Oh Daddy! You men are all alike.» sighing deeply, she replied, «That’s exactly what he asked me about you.»
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in … Читать далее
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, «Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?» A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked … Читать далее
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of «Baywatch» have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities: Melrose Place Barbie: … Читать далее
Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia. His mate asked him what it was like. «Australia’s a great place!» Paddy replied. «First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can’t stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you … Читать далее
Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction. «Shit,» said the driver to his passenger. «What kind … Читать далее
66.A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, «This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American … Читать далее
Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at 4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up and Charley says, «Where have you been? You’re a 1/2 hour late.» Paul replies, «Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick’s been hurting bad.» Charley says, «If your dick’s been … Читать далее
«Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,» the divorce court judge said, «and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.» «That’s very fair, your honor,» the husband said. «And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.»
You might be a redneck if… Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest. You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Bikers back down from your momma. You were shooting pool when your kids were born. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. You think that Dom Perignon … Читать далее
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends? «Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!» Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? … Читать далее
Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air! — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — … Читать далее
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. «Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.» «What’s the problem?» the docotor inquired. «Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.» … Читать далее
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. «What’s the story this time, Jones?» he asked sarcastically. «Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.» Jones sighed, «Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the … Читать далее
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, «I’ll be home in an hour.» «Perfect,» she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He … Читать далее
A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, «Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!» He comes in, takes a look, and says, «Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.»
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, «Mummy, what is that long thing?» His mother replies, «That, son, … Читать далее
The complaint letter from Judi: We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this … Читать далее
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. «I’ll be ready in a few minutes,» she said. «Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting?» He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, … Читать далее
A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He’s stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: «You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in … Читать далее
You might be a redneck if… You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since «Smokey and the Bandit» was snubbed for best picture. None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tires on your car are at least … Читать далее
Helpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you. BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the … Читать далее
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side … Читать далее
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multicoloured hair that’s green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits … Читать далее
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a … Читать далее
Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, … Читать далее
A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed, except now he’s driving at 65 mph, the … Читать далее
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. «Ah, will you look at that?» One ditch digger said. «What’s our world comin’ to when men of th’ cloth are visitin’ such places?» A short time later, … Читать далее
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most … Читать далее
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. … Читать далее