Divorce decision

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1. Every damn time Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband “beats her.” The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman. “Every damn time your Honor,” she sighed, “Every damn time!”...
2. Following a bitter divorce Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The wife simply sighed and replied, “Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn’t really notice.”...
3. Перевод слова divorce Divorce – развод, расторжение брака Перевод слова Divorce by proxy – развод по доверенности to file for divorce – подавать на развод a divorce proceedings – бракоразводный процесс It is difficult to Divorce sport from politics. Трудно отделять спорт от политики. Their marriage ended in Divorce. Их брак закончился разводом. This famous actress has been […]...
4. A reason for divorce “Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?” “Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.” The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?” “No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “I’m always first out […]...
5. Some time after their bitter divorce Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, “So… out looking for a little, huh?” She smiled sweetly and said, “No, I had 6 years of that with you. I’m out looking for a lot!!!”...
6. Joint sentence A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, “Your Honor, I’m a Christian. I’ve become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man.” The judge responded, “Since it […]...
7. Staring down from the bench to announce the terms Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: “I’m going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.” To which the woman’s about-to-be ex replied: “That’s mighty kind of you, judge. I’ll try to help her all I can, […]...
8. Two story house A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.” “Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.” The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about […]...
9. Getting a Divorce Nicole: I’m really sorry to hear about you and Catherine getting a Divorce. Tom: I appreciate it, but it was A long time coming. We’ve been heading toward divorce for years. I just hope it doesn’t get too Messy. Nicole: I don’t mean To pry, but didn’t the two of you have a Prenup? Tom: […]...
10. Appeals Court Orders Woman Who Hid $1.3 Million Lottery Jackpot From Estranged Husband to Give It to Him A woman who kept $1.3 million in lottery winnings secret from her estranged husband to avoid having to give him half in their divorce settlement will now have to turn over the whole pot to him, this district’s Court of Appeal ruled Friday. Denise Rossi must give up her entire lottery share under a Family […]...
11. A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the […]...
12. It was a somber day in Disney land It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said ‘Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth” Mickey retorted ” I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID […]...
13. A young couple got married, and in their family A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between […]...
14. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die”. 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, […]...
15. An old retired man goes to his wife one day An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, “I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.” The wife says, “No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.” Husband replies, “Our savings are all gone and you […]...
16. Gift tombstones A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: “Here lies my wife…..cold as ever” Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: “Here lies my husband…..stiff at last”...
17. Suffering A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” The counselor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?” The husband replies “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”...
18. The Divorce Surge Is Over, but the Myth Lives On Cumulative share of marriages ending in divorce. Divorce rates increased in the 1970s and 1980s, but in the last 20 years they have dropped. When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin “consciously uncoupled” this year, ABC News said it was the latest example of the out-of-control divorce rate, “50 percent and climbing.” When Fox News anchors […]...
19. At night court, a man was brought in and set At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”...
20. All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, “What was that for?” Wife said, “Because, you are a bad fuck”. Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, “And may I ask what’s that about?” Husband said, ” […]...
21. Перевод слова honor Honor – слава, почет, честь Перевод слова To honor a request – выполнять просьбу word of honor – слово чести honor camp – амер. лагерь для “почетных заключенных” I pledge my Honor. Клянусь своей честью. “We plead guilty, Your Honor.” “Мы признаем свою вину, Ваша Честь.” I pledge that I will Honor my wife. Я […]...
22. Some of the myths about marriage TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage… Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband says: “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional […]...
23. Lawyers on a jury A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with […]...
24. Life is cruel What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful […]...
25. Golf lessons A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks […]...
26. Best advice possible Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, “You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.” After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where […]...
27. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
28. Someone really stinks A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s […]...
29. Talk to the judge A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, “Counselor, you […]...
30. Значение идиомы hold court [hold court] {v. phr.} 1. To hold a formal meeting of a royal courtor a court of law. Judge Stephens allowed no foolishness when heheld court. 2. {informal} To act like a king or queen among subjects. Even at sixteen, Judy was holding court for numbers of charmedboys....
31. Money Laundering Susanna: What’s going on in the office next door? I heard that the police Shut down their business. Clark: You heard right. The cops had long Suspected that the business operating out of that office wasn’t Legit. Susanna: Not legit? Clark: Yeah, it was a Front for Money laundering. The So-called services it offered were […]...
32. While in prison OJ had another prisoner join him in his cell While in prison O. J. had another prisoner join him in his cell. This person was 8′ tall and 670 lbs. of solid muscle. He asked O. J. if he wanted to be the husband or the wife. Now O. J. not being stupid started reasoning in his mind “OK if I say I’m going […]...
33. What Not to Name Your Dog Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked […]...
34. Being hurt A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. […]...
35. Marriage quotes 03 There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!” Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. When a […]...
36. Uh-Oh!! The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had […]...
37. Where are my pyjamas? A man calls his wife and says to her, “Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?” “Sure, honey,” his wife answers.”Oh, and could you please pack my […]...
38. One night, an 87-year-old woman One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to […]...
39. Is this her first? A guy calls the hospital. He says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!” The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?” He says, “No! This is her husband!”...
40. A judge asked a defendant to please stand A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a […]...