Help the lonely child

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1. A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was […]...
2. Remember a child A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my […]...
3. Naming your child There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was […]...
4. Значение идиомы girl friend [girl friend] {n.}, {informal} 1. A female friend or companion. Jane is spending the night at her girlfriend’s house. 2. A boy’ssteady girl; the girl or woman partner in a love affair; girl;sweetheart. John is taking his girl friend to the dance. Contrast:BOYFRIEND....
5. Humor about Irish Marriages Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving […]...
6. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, “Do you ever get to feeling horny?” “Yes,” her friend replied. “What do you do about it?” “I usually suck on a Lifesaver.” After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, “Well, what beach do you go to?”...
7. A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. “Congratulations,” said the nurse, “but don’t you think this is enough?” The woman replied, “Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year.”...
8. Перевод слова progress Progress – прогресс, развитие, достижение Перевод слова Age of progress – эпоха расцвета progress of science – прогресс науки the patient is making good progress – больной быстро поправляется impediment to progress – препятствие на пути к прогрессу How are you Progressing in your studies? Как твои успехи в учебе? Negotiations are in Progress. Переговоры […]...
9. This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, “cough drops” and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, “What are you doing here, m’am?” […]...
10. A game of golf A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. […]...
11. A widow was feeling rather lonely A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop. She wasn’t sure just what kind of pet she’d like, so she figured she’d just walk around until she found just the ‘right one.’ She went past […]...
12. Cristiano Ronaldo donates $83,000 to pay for sick child’s operation Cristiano Ronaldo was asked to donate his cleats for a charity auction benefitting a 10-month-old child suffering from a brain disorder. The world’s top soccer player went a little further than that. Ronaldo, the Real Madrid star who was Fifa’s Ballon d’Or winner as the world’s top player, will pay the full $83,000 cost of […]...
13. A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishhes her […]...
14. It is written in the Bible! There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. “It’s O. K.,” he replied, “it’s written in […]...
15. The Insensitive Gorilla A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her […]...
16. Feeling Lonely Moving to a new city can be a Lonely experience. When I first moved to Los Angeles, I didn’t know anyone and it was hard To strike up new friendships. I’m a pretty Sociable person, but it’s still hard meeting new people and even harder to make Lasting friendships. I’ve never been a Lone wolf, […]...
17. A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl friend he’d have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would […]...
18. Paying bills Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his […]...
19. A yard sale A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of […]...
20. At a grocery store A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have […]...
21. A little girl came running into the house crying A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. “Why do you want cider?” asked Mom. “To take the pain away,” sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little […]...
22. Перевод слова spot Spot – пятно, позор; пачкать, позорить Перевод слова Sun spots – пятна на Солнце without a spot on his reputation – с незапятнанной репутацией table spotted with ink – стол, закапанный чернилами plague spot of sin and imperfection – клеймо греха и несовершенства You have a Spot on your tie. У вас пятно на галстуке. […]...
23. Three girls died and were brought to the gates Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.” “Which is…?”, they replied in unison. “Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl. […]...
24. A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.” The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. […]...
25. I had it all A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman…then… pow! … it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Ahhhh… my wife found out…”...
26. Birth control Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says “We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.” The next woman says “I am too but we use the rhythm method.” The third woman says “We use the bucket and saucer method.” “What the heck is […]...
27. A man was complaining to a friend A man was complaining to a friend. “I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out.”...
28. Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late […]...
29. Having a Backup Plan Jerome: This is a very dangerous Undertaking. Do you have a Backup plan if anything goes wrong? Sandy: It’ll work. I’ve come up with Contingencies for every possible Setback. Jerome: It’s just that I’d like to know we have some Recourse if anything goes wrong. Sandy: My plan is Foolproof. Failure is not an option. […]...
30. A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” […]...
31. Значение идиомы hard feeling [hard feeling] {n.} Angry or bitter feeling; enmity. – Usually usedin the plural. Jim asked Andy to shake hands with him, just to showthat there were no hard feelings. Bob and George once quarreledover a girl, and there are still hard feelings between them....
32. While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to […]...
33. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her […]...
34. Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, “Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.” He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was […]...
35. A truck driver breaks down and A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give him hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted on his dash and asks him what it’s for. He replies “Oh that’s a conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots of pussy that […]...
36. Going to a Wedding I got an Invitation in the mail last month that really surprised me. My friend Ulrich was getting married! We went to college together and he always said that he’d never get married. I guess he found his Dream girl in the end. The Church wedding was going to be at 3 p. m. and […]...
37. A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since […]...
38. Значение идиомы on the spot [on the spot] {adv.} or {adj. phr.} 1. or [upon the spot] At thatexact time and at the same time or place; without waiting or leaving. The news of important events is often broadcast on the spot overtelevision. When Tom ruined an expensive machine, his boss firedhim on the spot. Compare: AT ONCE, IN ONE’S […]...
39. Buying a Digital Audio (MP3) Player Clerk: Can I help you? Sandy: I’m looking for an MP3 player, but I don’t know a lot about them. Clerk: We have a large Selection, as you can see. Sandy: Wow, I really don’t know where to begin. Clerk: What do you want to be able to do? Sandy: I just want something small […]...
40. Buying a Digital Audio (MP3) Player Clerk: Can I help you? Sandy: I’m looking for an MP3 player, but I don’t know a lot about them. Clerk: We have a large Selection, as you can see. Sandy: Wow, I really don’t know where to begin. Clerk: What do you want to be able to do? Sandy: I just want something small […]...