Every damn time

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1. Baby bear wants to live somewhere elseThe three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of ... Читать далее...
2. Divorce decision«Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,» the divorce court judge said, «and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.» «That’s very fair, your honor,» the husband said. «And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.»...
3. Humor about the IrishmenThere is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He’d wanted to be buried at sea. «Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?» the solicitor questioned his client. «Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?» «Oh, no,» replied Mrs. O’Connor. «Shure now, we ... Читать далее...
4. A reason for divorce«Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?» the solicitor questioned his client. «Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?» «Oh, no,» replied Mrs. O’Connor. «Shure now, we have a carport.» The solicitor tried again. «Well, does the man beat you up?» «No, no,» said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. «I’m always first out ... Читать далее...
5. One night, an 87-year-old womanOne night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to ... Читать далее...
6. Staring down from the bench to announce the termsStaring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: «I’m going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.» To which the woman’s about-to-be ex replied: «That’s mighty kind of you, judge. I’ll try to help her all I can, ... Читать далее...
7. Don’t arrest the judgeA squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, «Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?» «That it is, «Irish ... Читать далее...
8. Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife saidVisiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, «I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.» «What do you mean?» asked the attorney. «Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?» «No,» replied the ... Читать далее...
9. A farmer walked into an attorney officeA farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, «May I help you?» The farmer said, «Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.» The attorney said, «well do you have any grounds?» The farmer said, «Yea, I got about 140 acres.» The attorney said, » No, ... Читать далее...
10. Перевод сленгового выражения give a damn (about someone or something), значение и пример использованияСленговое выражение: give a damn (about someone or something) Перевод: проявлять интерес, беспокоиться, волноваться (часто используется в отрицательном значении — Not give a damn, также отрицательное значение выражению могут придать глаголы Could и Might) Синоним: give a shit; give a rat’s ass Пример: He thinks that people give a damn about this matter, but that’s ... Читать далее...
11. Значение идиомы one damn thing after another[one damn thing after another] or [ODTAA] {n. phr.} If there is one problem, there will be more. First I lost mywallet, then a kid broke the window, and, lastly, my car refused tostart. It was just one damn thing after another! Compare: IF IT’S NOTONE THING IT’S ANOTHER....
12. Two story houseA man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, «Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.» «Because,» the man says,»I live in a two-story house.» The Judge replies, «What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about ... Читать далее...
13. Proffessional TermsThe pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. «On what grounds?» questioned the Judge, «This court does not take annulments lightly.» «Non-virginity,» replied the quarterback, «When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver.»...
14. A woman walks into a pet storeA woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, «I’m looking to buy a pet for my husband but I’m on a very short budget!.» «No worries,» replies the clerk. ... Читать далее...
15. Значение идиомы not worth a tinker’s damn[not worth a tinker’s damn] or not [worth a tinker’s dam] {adj. phr.}, {informal} Not worth anything; valueless. As a bricklayer hewas not worth a tinker’s damn. I am not familiar with the subjectso my opinion would not be worth a tinker’s dam....
16. It was a somber day in Disney landIt was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said ‘Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth» Mickey retorted » I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID ... Читать далее...
17. A perfect choiceA woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn’t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t ... Читать далее...
18. A young couple got married, and in their familyA young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between ... Читать далее...
19. Joint sentenceA man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, «Your Honor, I’m a Christian. I’ve become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man.» The judge responded, «Since it ... Читать далее...
20. Following a bitter divorceFollowing a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, «You know, I was a fool when I married you.» The wife simply sighed and replied, «Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn’t really notice.»...
21. Lawyers on a juryA trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with ... Читать далее...
22. A recently divorced woman is walking along the beachA recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the ... Читать далее...
23. Appeals Court Orders Woman Who Hid $1.3 Million Lottery Jackpot From Estranged Husband to Give It to HimA woman who kept $1.3 million in lottery winnings secret from her estranged husband to avoid having to give him half in their divorce settlement will now have to turn over the whole pot to him, this district’s Court of Appeal ruled Friday. Denise Rossi must give up her entire lottery share under a Family ... Читать далее...
24. When asked for her occupationWhen asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. «Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,» he smiled with delight. «Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red ... Читать далее...
25. At night court, a man was brought in and setAt night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, «State your name, occupation, and the charge.» The defendant said, «I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.» The judge winced and said, «Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!»...
26. A judge asked a defendant to please standA judge asked a defendant to please stand. «You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.» From out in the audience a man shouted, «Lying bastard!» «Silence in the court!», the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, «You are also charged with killing a ... Читать далее...
27. The local courtroom was packed as testimony beganThe local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been ... Читать далее...
28. Значение идиомы heart skip a beat[heart skip a beat] or [heart miss a beat] 1. The heart leaves outor seems to leave out a beat; the heart beats hard or leaps fromexcitement or strong feeling. — Often considered trite. When Paulsaw the bear standing in front of him, his heart skipped a beat. 2.To be startled or excited from surprise, ... Читать далее...
29. Best advice possibleTaylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, «You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.» After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы beat all[beat all] or [beat the Dutch] {v. phr.}, {informal} To be strange or surprising. John found a box full of money buried in his garage. Doesn’t that beat all! It beats the Dutch how Tom always makes a basket....
31. Stupid people stories 02Stupid people DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the ... Читать далее...
32. Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby sideMrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.»My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure.» she lamented to the woman next to her. «Well,» the lady replied, «what’s wrong with that?» «He likes to do it while ... Читать далее...
33. Two wives were airing their troublesTwo wives were airing their troubles: «I’d like to get a divorce,» said the first. «My husband and I just don’t get along.» «Why don’t you sue him for incompatibility?» asked the second. «I would if I could catch him at it,» replied the first....
34. A clever court caseOne evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, «I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with her.» To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning ... Читать далее...
35. Talk to the judgeA judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, «Counselor, you ... Читать далее...
36. Значение идиомы hold court[hold court] {v. phr.} 1. To hold a formal meeting of a royal courtor a court of law. Judge Stephens allowed no foolishness when heheld court. 2. {informal} To act like a king or queen among subjects. Even at sixteen, Judy was holding court for numbers of charmedboys....
37. Значение идиомы beat all hollow[beat all hollow] also [beat hollow] {v. phr.}, {slang} To do much better than; to beat very badly. We beat their team all hollow. As a speaker, he beats us all hollow....
38. Hair on my chestA woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. «HA!» he snorted. «The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!» On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, «There! I ... Читать далее...
39. Life is cruelWhat women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful ... Читать далее...
40. What Not to Name Your DogEverybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog «Sex». When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said «I’d like one too.» But then I said «This is a dog.» He said he didn’t care what she looked ... Читать далее...