Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911

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1. This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girlsThis elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, «cough drops» and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, «What are you doing here, m’am?» ... Читать далее...
2. The crusty old managing partner finally passed awayThe crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. «I’m sorry, he’s dead,» was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. ... Читать далее...
3. Taking the final examTwo college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, «Old MacDonald had a ________.» Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But ... Читать далее...
4. A lawyer passed on and found himself in HeavenA lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three ... Читать далее...
5. A girl called the police department and reported thatA girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, «When did this happen?» She replied, «Last week.» The police then asked, «Why did you wait until now to report it?» Well,» she said. «I didn’t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced.»...
6. I am called a PrincessThe United Airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, «Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that ... Читать далее...
7. Larry’s barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, calledLarry’s barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company… Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one ... Читать далее...
8. Catch a drunk driverTwo rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said «Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!» «Don’t worry, Bubba,» Earl said. «We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel ... Читать далее...
9. Symptoms of DepressionEmily: I think Jackson is Depressed. Shivan: How can you tell? Emily: Well, he’s been Suffering from a Loss of appetite and is generally Lethargic. Shivan: Have you noticed any other Symptoms? Emily: He seems to have trouble Concentrating and has Insomnia. Shivan: Um, really? Emily: Yes, and I’m afraid he’s having Suicidal thoughts. He ... Читать далее...
10. Значение идиомы passed ball[passed ball] {n.} A pitched baseball missed by the catcher when heshould have been able to catch it. The batter singled and went tosecond on a passed ball....
11. Being ScaredEmily: I’m not going into that house. It’s supposed to be Haunted. Stephen: Come on. Don’t be a Coward. You don’t believe in Ghosts, do you? Emily: I don’t, but I’m not Taking any chances. Just look at that house! It’s Spooky. I’m getting Goosebumps just looking at it. Stephen: You’re only Freaking out because ... Читать далее...
12. Jokes about the Fighting IrishGallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. «Did you see the paper?» asked Gallagher. «They say I died!!» «Yes, I saw it!» replied Finney. «Where are you callin’ from?» It was general question time on the «Top ... Читать далее...
13. A man called the undertaker one afternoonA man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: «Come and bury my wife.» «But I buried your wife ten years ago,» replied the undertaker. «I got married again,» the man sobbed. «Oh,» said the undertaker. «Congratulations.»...
14. A manager of a restaurant had called its ownerA manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask about whether or not she should hire a new waitress. «She can speak twelve different languages, which will be good for foreign visitors,» said the manager. «All right, so hire her,» the owner replied.»But, sir…» «I knew there would be a but. What’s wrong ... Читать далее...
15. The boss called one of his employees into the officeThe boss called one of his employees into the office. «Rob,» he said, «you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four ... Читать далее...
16. Перевод слова so-calledSo-called — так называемый Перевод слова The so-called master race — так называемая высшая раса so-called expert — так называемый эксперт so-called friend — так называемый друг Her So-called honesty partakes of rudeness. Ее так называемая прямота отдает грубостью. It seems that the So-called new theory is likely to sink into oblivion. Похоже, что так ... Читать далее...
17. A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, «Do you know what I’m doing?» «Yes,» she replied, ... Читать далее...
18. Перевод слова operatorOperator — оператор Перевод слова Crane operator — оператор подъемного крана, крановщик ham operator — радиолюбитель, оператор любительской радиостанции tour operator — тур-оператор The Operator put my call right through. Телефонистка сразу же соединила меня. Reagan was a shrewd political Operator. Рейган был искусным политиком. Operator, please connect me with extension 123. Оператор, пожалуйста, соедините ... Читать далее...
19. A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopersA young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. «So, did you ... Читать далее...
20. Long Distance RelationshipsI met Diana last year when we were both working in New York City for the summer. I’m finishing college in California and Diana started her first job in Florida. Talk about a Bicoastal relationship! We spent three great months together and we’ve been trying to maintain a Long distance relationship ever since. It’s been ... Читать далее...
21. Перевод слова spellSpell — заклинание, чары; произносить или писать по буквам Перевод слова Magic spell — магическая формула under a spell — зачарованный, находящийся под обаянием to spell from death in battle — заговорить от смерти в бою How do you Spell your name? Как пишется ваша фамилия? What word do these letters Spell? Какое слово образуют ... Читать далее...
22. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the marketThere was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a ... Читать далее...
23. Dumb Intercourse II«Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.» «Would you spell that, please?» «Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.» The operator pauses. «Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with ... Читать далее...
24. I have a questionA father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, «How does this boat float? The father replied, «Don’t rightly know son.» A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, «How do fish ... Читать далее...
25. Making an Emergency Medical CallOperator: Emergency operator. State your emergency. Dirk: We need an Ambulance right away. Operator: What is your name? Dirk: Dirk. Dirk Omora. Operator: Can you tell me what happened? Dirk: There was a Car accident. Operator: Where are you? Dirk: I’m not sure. I was driving in my car when I saw the Pileup. I’m ... Читать далее...
26. Democrats on the front porchThis little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, «Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.» «What?» the operator exclaimed. «I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; ... Читать далее...
27. A middle manager is called into his bosses officeA middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. «Downsizing.» He’s really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn’t seem fair. So for the next 2 days he ... Читать далее...
28. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
29. Перевод слова pausePause — пауза, делать паузу Перевод слова After a cogitative pause — после раздумья to pause for lunch — делать перерыв на обед pause command — команда приостановки There was a dead Pause. Наступило гробовое молчание. Press the Pause button. Нажмите на паузу. We Paused briefly to look at the scenery. Мы ненадолго задержалась, чтобы ... Читать далее...
30. An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to CaliforniaAn old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, «Operator, giff me beck the party!» She says, «I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.» He says, «What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.» She ... Читать далее...
31. One day a teacher was teaching religionOne day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class «What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?» Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. «I think your heart goes first because, that’s were your emotions of ... Читать далее...
32. Unable to attend the funeral after his father diedUnable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, «Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.» Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring ... Читать далее...
33. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
34. An extremely loyal fanThere was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself «what a waste» he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, «Is ... Читать далее...
35. With a puzzled look on his faceWith a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, «Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?» She told him, «Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.» Then he asked, «Why is my sister named Cornflower?» She replied, «Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made ... Читать далее...
36. Last minute requestsA man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, «Give it to me straight. How long have I got?» The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, «Call for my lawyer.» When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his ... Читать далее...
37. Several weeks after a young man had been hiredSeveral weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. «What is the meaning of this?» the director asked. «When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.» «Well,» the young man ... Читать далее...
38. A story with a moraleA man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. «Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.» Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. «Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.» Confused, ... Читать далее...
39. The right rhythmOn hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, «He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.» Horrified, Katie told her ... Читать далее...
40. Dumb intercourse«Information. Can I help you?» «I’d like the number of the Theater Guild, please.» «One moment, please.» Pause. «I’m sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.» «No, no. It isn’t a person. It’s an organization. It’s Theater Guild.» «I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.» «Not *Theodore*! ... Читать далее...