Clean St. Patrick’s Day Humor

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1. Clean Ireland HumorAn English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both ... Читать далее...
2. Перевод идиомы assault and battery, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: assault and battery Перевод: такое преступление, когда преступник нападает и избивает кого-либо Пример: The man was arrested for assault and battery after the fight. Мужчина был арестован по обвинению в нападении после драки....
3. I trying to prove a pointA man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says «I want you ... Читать далее...
4. Spirits in IrelandТопик Ирландский алкоголь расскажет об истории ирландского виски и ирландского пива «Гиннесс». Если сравнить между собой шотландский виски и ирландский, то между ними будет разница. И вот еще один очень интересный лингвистический факт: даже слово «виски» в Шотландии и Ирландии пишутся по-разному. Здесь даже приводится рецепт «кофе по-ирландски» и вы, конечно, сможете его правильно приготовить, ... Читать далее...
5. Humor about LeprechaunsAn aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, «For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!!!!!» At ... Читать далее...
6. Clean Humor about the IrishIt seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: «Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, ... Читать далее...
7. A hearing problemAn elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20′ behind her and asked «Can you hear me sweetheart»?. No reply. Moved to 10′ and inquired again. No reply. 5′ and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked «Can you hear me now honey»? His wife said «For the ... Читать далее...
8. The Eighteen BottlesI had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with ... Читать далее...
9. Clean St. Patrick’s Day JokesAn Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, «Oy vey! What a wreck!» The priest asks him, «Are you all right, Rabbi?» The Rabbi responds, «Just a little shaken.» The priest pulls a ... Читать далее...
10. Humor about Ireland 2Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. «Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I’m afraid he’s goin’ to die.» «Shure, an’ why would he be dyin’?» asked the other. «Ah, he’s gotten so thin. You’re thin enough, and I’m thin — but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is ... Читать далее...
11. Funny Humor about the IrishThis is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of ... Читать далее...
12. Humor about Drunk IrishmenA man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor ... Читать далее...
13. HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! (The Thanksgiving Special) Step 1:Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step ... Читать далее...
14. Clean Jokes about the IrishMurphy said to his daughter, «I want you home by eleven o’clock.» She said, «But Father, I’m no longer a child!» He said, «I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.» MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O’Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on ... Читать далее...
15. Humor about St. Patrick’s DayPaddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Paddy asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» Paddy replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
16. Don’t arrest the judgeA squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, «Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?» «That it is, «Irish ... Читать далее...
17. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the ... Читать далее...
18. Before performing a baptism, the priest approachedBefore performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, «Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?» «I think so,» the man replied. «My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.» «I don’t mean ... Читать далее...
19. Civil War Era humorCivil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN… The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent ... Читать далее...
20. Irish Religion HumorFather Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, «Do you want to go to heaven?» The man said, «I do Father.» The priest said, «Then stand over there against the wall.» Then the priest asked the second man, «Do you want to got to heaven?» «Certainly, Father,» ... Читать далее...
21. A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digestedA pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:»Ok. I’ll let him pass, there’s no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him:»What’s going on out there?» ... Читать далее...
22. Humor about Irish Pubs(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. «Jazus Mick…Well have to turn ... Читать далее...
23. Humor about the IrishAn Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, ... Читать далее...
24. Перевод слова batteryBattery — батарея, аккумулятор Перевод слова Battery salvo — батарейный залп to charge a battery — заряжать аммумулятор quartz battery — кварцевая батарейка The Battery is dead. Батарея села. I bought new Batteries for the flashlights. Я купил новые батарейки для фонариков. The Battery is charging. Батарея сейчас заряжается. Примеры из жизни Надпись ‘battery charging’ ... Читать далее...
25. Перевод слова glassGlass — стекло, стакан, фужер Перевод слова A pane of glass — оконное стекло glass and china — стеклянная и фарфоровая посуда a glass of Rhenish wine — бокал рейнского Mind the broken Glass. Осторожно, битое стекло! The wine Glass shattered. Винный бокал разлетелся вдребезги. She drank two Glasses of water. Она выпила два стакана ... Читать далее...
26. Перевод слова replyReply — ответ, отвечать Перевод слова In reply to your letter — в ответ на ваше письмо to make a reply — ответить, дать ответ reply paid — с оплаченным ответом Reply to the question. Ответь на вопрос. He laughed a Reply. Он ответил со смехом. I’ll Reply by wire. Я отвечу телеграммой....
27. He is extremely drunkLate one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. «Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven ... Читать далее...
28. An offenseLate one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. «Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven ... Читать далее...
29. Значение идиомы cross-check[cross-check ] {v.} To test the truth of by examining in different ways or by seeing different reports about. If you see something in a book that may not be true, be sure to cross-check it in other books....
30. WhiskeyТопик Виски рассказывает про историю алкогольного напитка виски. Шотландские кельты называли его водой жизни. Вы узнаете о производстве виски, о том, насколько разным бывает виски в разных странах. Whiskey (from the Gaelic for «water of life»), spirituous liquor distilled from a fermented mash of grains, usually rye, barley, oats, wheat, or corn. Inferior whiskeys are ... Читать далее...
31. Learning How to DriveXavier: Look out! Put your foot on the Brake! Brandy: I am braking. Xavier: No, your foot is on the Gas pedal! Brandy: Oh. There’s the brake. Xavier: You just Took 10 years off my life. I was sure you were going to hit the Median or the Railing. I didn’t know what I was ... Читать далее...
32. Jokes about St. Patricks Day 2McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. «S’cuse me,» said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. «What was that all ... Читать далее...
33. Amusing Humor about the IrishO’Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O’Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o’clock the doorbell rang. It was the next ... Читать далее...
34. Investment counselorAn investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. «As I’m sure you can understand,» she started off with one of the first applicants, «in ... Читать далее...
35. PUPPY LOVEA man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, «Well, son, they’re making a puppy.» The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being ... Читать далее...
36. Значение идиомы keep one’s own counsel[keep one’s own counsel] {v. phr.}, {formal} To keep your ideas andplans to yourself. John listened to what everyone had to say in thediscussion, but he kept his own counsel. Although everybody gaveMrs. O’Connor advice about what to do with her house, she kept her owncounsel....
37. Fighting Irish HumorMcNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. «It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,» she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. «Miss,» he said, «I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get ... Читать далее...
38. Being Hungry and FullSteve: I’m finally home and I’m Hungry. What’s for dinner? Brandy: I’m making a new Dish. I think you’re really going to like it. Steve: Oh, good. Bring it on. Brandy: Well, I Miscalculated the Cooking time a little and it’s going to take longer than I originally planned. I know you’re Famished. Here’s a ... Читать далее...
39. Clean Jokes about IrelandAn American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight — an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. «You see that, I reckon,» said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. «And now where would you be ... Читать далее...
40. Humor about Dumb IrishmenThe local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. «Now don’t let me ever see your face again,» said the ... Читать далее...