Best riddles part 7

What always happens at the end of a dry spell?

Ответ: It rains.

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When a child stomps through a mud puddle, what is the first thing he does?

Ответ: He (or she) gets wet.

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Why was Washington buried at Mt. Vernon?

Ответ: Because he was dead.

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Where are kings usually crowned?

Ответ: On their heads.

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What runs all around the yard without moving?

Ответ: The fence.

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What did the guitar say to the rock star?

Ответ: Quit picking on me!

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What is found all over the house?

Ответ: The roof.

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What is the best way to get fat?

Ответ: Go to the butcher shop.

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What kind of doctor would a duck become?

Ответ: A quack doctor.

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Why is the dentist so unhappy while at work?

Ответ: Because he is always looking down in the mouth.

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What is the best thing to take when you are run down?

Ответ: The license plate number of the car that hit you.

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Why does your sense of touch suffer when you are ill?

Ответ: Because you do not feel well.

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Why does a bald-headed man have no use for keys?

Ответ: Because he has no locks.

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Why do women not become bald as soon as men?

Ответ: Because they wear their hair longer.

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What has fifty heads but can’t think?

Ответ: A book of matches.

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What has 4 legs, a back, but no body?

Ответ: A chair.

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What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the beach?

Ответ: Sandy Claws.

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If a young boy should lose his knee, where would he go for another?

Ответ: To a butcher shop where kidneys are sold.

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What did the big toe say to the little toe?

Ответ: Don’t look now, but there’s a heel following us.

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How can a man have 4 hands?

Ответ: When he doubles his fists.

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What is most useful when it is used up?

Ответ: An umbrella.

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What is the biggest jewel in the world?

Ответ: A baseball diamond.

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How do you keep food on an empty stomach?

Ответ: Bolt it down.

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What is the worst kind of fare for men to live on?

Ответ: Warfare.

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What is the best key to a good dinner?

Ответ: A turkey.

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In what country were the first doughnuts fried?

Ответ: In Greece.

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Why did the jelly roll?

Ответ: It saw the apple turnover.

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What kind of can never needs a can opener?

Ответ: A pelican.

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Why is a promise like an egg?

Ответ: They are both easily broken.

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Why did Betsy Ross volunteer to make a flag?

Ответ: Because it was sew easy.

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Where was Solomon’s temple?

Ответ: On his head.

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What always happens on your 39th birthday?

Ответ: You turn 39.

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What is the first thing the President does every day?

Ответ: He wakes up.

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What bus ran from Spain to America?

Ответ: Columbus.

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What is the largest plumbing job ever attempted?

Ответ: Flushing Michigan.

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Why did the man put on a wet shirt?

Ответ: The label said wash and wear.

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What is everyone in the world doing at the same time?

Ответ: Getting older.

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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Ответ: Pilgrims.

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Here on earth it is true, yesterday is always before today; but there is a place where yesterday always follows today. Where?

Ответ: In a dictionary.

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What word is always pronounced wrong?

Ответ: The word \wrong\.

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How do you avoid falling hair?

Ответ: Step out of the way.

What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?

Ответ: One baits his hook, the other hates his book.

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What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?

Ответ: A dressmaker sews what he gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.

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Why did the spy pull the sheets over his head?

Ответ: He was an undercover agent.

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Why did the waiter stomp on his customer’s hamburger?

Ответ: Because the customer was in a hurry and told the waiter to step on it.

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Why did the woman who mended bowls go crazy?

Ответ: She was around cracked pots (crackpots) too long.

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Why didn’t the girl go to work in the wool factory?

Ответ: Because she was too young to dye (die).

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Why do misers talk so little?

Ответ: Because they don’t like to put their two cents in.

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Why do people dislike going to the dentist?

Ответ: Because he is boring.

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Why is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?

Ответ: Because he is a stage coach.

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Why is a shoemaker like a clergyman?

Ответ: Both try to save soles (souls).

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Why is a shoemaker’s job unpleasant?

Ответ: Because of all the low-down heels that he has to work with.

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What is the difference between a gardener and a billiard player?

Ответ: One minds his peas, the other minds his cues.

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Why did the pretty school teacher marry the janitor?

Ответ: Because he swept her off her feet.

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What salesman has the slickest line?

Ответ: A hair grease salesman.

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What was Noah’s profession?

Ответ: He was an arkitect (architect).

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When do mathematicians die?

Ответ: When their numbers are up.

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When does it pay to be boring?

Ответ: When you’re a ditch digger.

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When is a teacher like a bird of prey?

Ответ: When he watches you like a hawk.

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Who judges baking contests?

Ответ: A pirate (a pie right?)

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Who makes a million dollars a day?

Ответ: Someone who works in a mint.

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Who was the first nuclear scientist?

Ответ: Eve because she knew all about the atom (Adam).

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Why are garbage men unhappy?

Ответ: Because they are down in the dumps so much.

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What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

Ответ: A jeweler sells watches, a jailer watches cells.

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What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock?

Ответ: Politics (Polly ticks).

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Why was Count Dracula glad to help young vampires?

Ответ: He liked to see new blood in the business.

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Why was the banker bored?

Ответ: Because he lost interest in everything.

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Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?

Ответ: He was always horsing around.

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Why was the expert in the pretzel factory fired?

Ответ: He tried to straighten things out.

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Why was the Marine sergeant discharged?

Ответ: Because he was rotten to the Corps (core).

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Why was the photographer arrested?

Ответ: Because he shot people and blew them up.

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Why was the worker fired from his job in the mattress factory?

Ответ: Because he was caught lying down on the job.

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Why shouldn’t you believe painters?

Ответ: Because they spread it on thick.

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How is a judge like an English teacher?

Ответ: They both hand out long sentences.

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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

Ответ: One minds the train, the other trains the mind.

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How do you learn to work in an ice cream parlor?

Ответ: You go to sundae (Sunday) school.

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What did the woman say to the adding machine?

Ответ: I’m counting on you.

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What did the worm want to do when he grew up?

Ответ: He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).

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What do atomic scientists do when they go on vacation?

Ответ: They go fission (fishing).

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What do historians talk about when they meet?

Ответ: Old times, of course.

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What did the rabbit want to be when he grew up?

Ответ: He wanted to join the Hare (Air) Force.

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What do you call an undertaker in the South?

Ответ: A Southern planter.

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What do you call the person who judges art contests?

Ответ: Artificial (an art official).

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What do you call the person who mows the grass of a baseball field?

Ответ: A diamond cutter.

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What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?

Ответ: Lots.

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What is the difference between a tailor and a horse trainer?

Ответ: One mends a tear, the other tends a mare.

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For what person do all men take off their hats?

Ответ: The barber.

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At this moment everyone in the world is doing the same thing. What is it?

Ответ: Getting older.

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At what sports do waiters excel?

Ответ: Tennis. They really know how to serve.

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What does a farmer grow if he works hard enough?

Ответ: Tired.

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How do fish go into business?

Ответ: They start on a small scale.

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How do sailors get their clothes clean?

Ответ: They throw them overboard and they wash ashore.

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How do they pay people who work in a candle factory?

Ответ: By the wick (week).

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How do undertakers speak?

Ответ: Gravely.

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What did the little skunk want to be when it grew up?

Ответ: A big stinker.

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What did the mason say to the wall?

Ответ: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you!

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What key in music makes a good army officer?

Ответ: A Sharp Major.

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If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, how did the barbers arrive?

Ответ: On clipper ships.

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What happened when the girl met the goat in the dairy?

Ответ: The goat turned to butter (butt her).

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What happens to a postman when he gets old?

Ответ: He loses his zip.

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What insect does a blacksmith make?

Ответ: The firefly.

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What is a tailor’s son?

Ответ: A son of a so-and-so (sew-and-sew).

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What is a thirsty physician?

Ответ: A dry dock (doc).

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What is an astronomer?

Ответ: A night watchman with a college education.

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What is an expert on soda pop?

Ответ: A fizzician (physician).

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What is the difference between a blind man and a retired sailor?

Ответ: The blind man cannot see to go, the retired sailor cannot go to sea.

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What is the difference between a composer and a letter carrier?

Ответ: One writes notes, the other delivers them.

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What kind of a truck does a ballerina drive?

Ответ: A toe (tow) truck.

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What are doctors?

Ответ: People who practice medicine but charge as if they know it.

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What could you call a highly educated and skilled plumber?

Ответ: A drain surgeon.

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What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t show up?

Ответ: Some day my prints (prince) will come.

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What did the invisible girl want to be when she grew up?

Ответ: A gone-gone dancer.

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Why are there no psychiatrists for dogs?

Ответ: Everyone knows dogs aren’t allowed on couches.

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Why are twin doctors puzzling?

Ответ: They are a paradox (pair of docs).

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Why did the cookie baker quit his job?

Ответ: Because his work was so crummy (crumby).

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What did the laundry man say to the impatient customer?

Ответ: Keep your shirt on!

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What kind of job did the lazy man get?

Ответ: He stood around so long doing nothing, he became a dust collector.

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What kind of job is it easy to stick to?

Ответ: Working in a glue factory.

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What kind of artist can’t you trust?

Ответ: A sculptor because he is always chiseling or a con artist.

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What kind of policemen enjoy their work most?

Ответ: Traffic policemen, because they whistle while they work.

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What kind of car does an electrician drive?

Ответ: A Volts Wagon (Volkswagen).


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