Best riddles part 4

Why do you lie down on a hospital bed?

Ответ: Because you can’t lie up.

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Why is a person with a bad cold built backwards?

Ответ: Because their nose runs and their feet smell.

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What illness do beekeepers get?

Ответ: Hives.

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What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?

Ответ: Bronchitis (bronc-itis).

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What would happen if you swallowed uranium?

Ответ: You would get atomic ache (a stomach ache).

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What would you call a small wound?

Ответ: A short cut.

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When a girl slips on the ice, why can’t her brother help her up?

Ответ: He can’t be a brother and assist her (a sister).

When do you have acute pain?

Ответ: When you own a very pretty window.

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When don’t you feel so hot?

Ответ: When you catch a cold.

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When is the best time to buy a thermometer?

Ответ: In the winter, because then it is lower.

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When is the vet busiest?

Ответ: When it rains cats and dogs.

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What has fifty legs but can’t walk?

Ответ: Half a centipede.

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What means of transportation gives people colds?

Ответ: A choo-choo train.

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What is the healthiest kind of water?

Ответ: Well water.

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What is the perfect cure for dandruff?

Ответ: Baldness.

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What is worse than a centipede with sore feet?

Ответ: A giraffe with a sore throat.

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Which animals eye gets hit the most?

Ответ: A bulls eye (bulls-eye).

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What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?

Ответ: A turtle with claustrophobia.

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What is worse than a turtle with claustrophobia?

Ответ: An elephant with hay fever.

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What kind of animal needs oiling?

Ответ: A mouse. It squeaks.

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What kind of television program tells you who just broke an arm or leg?

Ответ: A newscast.

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How did the bread feel when it was put in the toaster?

Ответ: It was burned up.

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What is a sick crocodile?

Ответ: An ail-ligator (alligator).

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Why is a fishing hook like the measles?

Ответ: Because it’s catching.

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Why is a horse with a sore throat twice as sick as any other animal?

Ответ: Because he is then a hoarse horse.

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Why is a pony like a person with a sore throat?

Ответ: Because they are both a little hoarse (horse).

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Why is an eye doctor like a teacher?

Ответ: They both test the pupils.

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Why is Congress like a cold?

Ответ: Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no’s (nose).

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Why shouldn’t you make jokes about an overweight person?

Ответ: Because it’s not nice to poke fun at someone else’s expanse (expense).

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Why was the chicken sick?

Ответ: It had people pox.

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True or false, you never catch cold going up in an elevator?

Ответ: True. You come down with a cold, never up.

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How did the skeleton know it was raining?

Ответ: He could feel it in his bones.

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Why does a dentist seem moody?

Ответ: Because he always looks down in the mouth.

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What is better than presence of mind in an automobile accident?

Ответ: Absence of body.

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What did the doctor say to the tonsil?

Ответ: You look so cute, I think I’ll take you out.

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How was the blind carpenter able to see?

Ответ: He picked up his hammer and saw.

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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what will an onion do?

Ответ: Keep everyone away.

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If you don’t feel well, what do you probably have?

Ответ: A pair of gloves on your hands.

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How do you know that peanuts are fattening?

Ответ: Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

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If you dropped a tomato on your toe, would it hurt much?

Ответ: Yes, if it was in a can.

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If you fell off a ladder, what would you fall against?

Ответ: Against your will.

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What did Frankenstein say when a bolt of lightning hit him?

Ответ: Thanks, I needed that.

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What did the dentist say to the golfer?

Ответ: You have a hole in one.

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How can you keep from getting a sharp pain in your eye when you drink chocolate milk?

Ответ: Take the spoon out of the glass.

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What is the best thing to take when you’re run over?

Ответ: The license plate of the vehicle that hit you.

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Did you hear the story about the germ?

Ответ: Never mind. I don’t want it spread all over.

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What do you get if you put your head in a washing machine?

Ответ: Cleaner and brighter thoughts.

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What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?

Ответ: You probably have a polka-dotted sock over your head.

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What does every drowning person say no matter what language he speaks?

Ответ: Glub, glub!

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What game do you play if you don’t take care of your teeth?

Ответ: Tooth (truth) or Consequences.

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What goes, Ho, ho, ho, plop?

Ответ: Santa Claus laughing his head off.

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What happened when the dog swallowed the watch?

Ответ: He got a lot of ticks.

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What happened when the horse swallowed a dollar bill?

Ответ: He bucked.

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What happened when the icicle landed on the man’s head?

Ответ: It knocked him cold.

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How can you tell if a mummy has a cold?

Ответ: He starts coffin.

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What is the best way to cure acid indigestion?

Ответ: Stop drinking acid.

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What do you get if you put your hand in a pot?

Ответ: A potted palm.

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What did the doctor find when he examined the X-ray of the dummy’s head?

Ответ: Nothing.

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What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished removing his appendix?

Ответ: \That’s enough out of you.\

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What did the tooth say to the dentist?

Ответ: Fill ‘er up!

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What do you call a person who doesn’t have all his fingers on one hand?

Ответ: Normal. Fingers are supposed to be on two hands.

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What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?

Ответ: Oinkment (ointment).

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Why can’t a very thin person stand up straight?

Ответ: Because their are lean.

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What do seven days of dieting do?

Ответ: They make one weak (week).

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Why do your eyes look different when you come from an eye doctor?

Ответ: Because they’ve been checked.

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Why did the germ cross the microscope?

Ответ: To get to the other slide (side).

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What is the best way to lose weight?

Ответ: Learn to play the piano, and you can pound away all you want.

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How can you tell if a bucket is not well?

Ответ: When it is a little pale (pail).

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What do you get if an ax hits your head?

Ответ: A splitting headache.

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Why did the man hit his hand with a hammer?

Ответ: He wanted to see something swell.

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How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?

Ответ: When you see eye-to-eye with yourself.

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What is the difference between a person asleep and a person awake?

Ответ: With some people it’s hard to tell the difference.

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Why do you feel soft in the head when you wash your hair?

Ответ: Because you get a soggy noodle.

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Why did the kid put his hand in the fuse box when the weather got hot?

Ответ: He heard that fuses blew.

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When they take out an appendix, it’s an appendectomy; when they remove your tonsils, it’s a tonsillectomy. What is it when they remove a growth from your head?

Ответ: A haircut.

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Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?

Ответ: To the nut house.

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Why did the timid soul tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

Ответ: He didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

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What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

Ответ: One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

Why did the secretary cut her fingers off?

Ответ: She wanted to write shorthand.

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Why did the doctor give up his practice?

Ответ: Because he lost his patience (patients).

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When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

Ответ: When Moses received the two tablets.

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Why did the fireplace call the doctor?

Ответ: Because the chimney had the flu (flue).

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What did the nervous kid say when the doctor asked if he had been getting enough iron?

Ответ: Yes, I chew my nails every day.

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Why did the invisible mother take her invisible child to the doctor?

Ответ: To find out why he wasn’t all there.

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How did the kid get a flat nose?

Ответ: His teacher told him to keep it to the grindstone.

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Why did the farmer take the depressed cow to the vet?

Ответ: Because she was so mooo-dy.

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Why did the mother ghost take her depressed ghost child to the doctor?

Ответ: She was worried because he wasn’t in such good spirits.

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Why are doctors stingy?

Ответ: First they say they will treat you, and then they make you pay for it.

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What doctor treats his patients like animals?

Ответ: A vet.

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How do you know that army sergeants have a lot of headaches?

Ответ: Because they always yell, Tension!

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Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

Ответ: To a retail store.

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What is the famous last word in surgery?

Ответ: Ouch!

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Where do sick steamships go?

Ответ: To the dock (doc).

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What do cowboys call a doctor’s hypodermic needle?

Ответ: A sick (six) shooter.

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How did the clock feel when no one wound it up?

Ответ: Run down.

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What did the ill woman say when the doctor asked if she smoked cigarettes?

Ответ: Of cough (course).

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How long should doctors practice medicine?

Ответ: Until they get it right.

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What does a polite doctor say when he is about to operate?

Ответ: May I cut in?

When do elephants have 8 feet?

Ответ: When there are 2 of them.

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