An Unusual Ailment

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1. Describing the Fit of ClothingVera: How do these pants look on me? Wang: Uh, aren’t they a little too Tight? They look like they’re Cutting off circulation in your legs. Vera: They’re a little Snug, but they Show off my curves, don’t they? Wang: I suggest Going up a size. Something a little less Form fitting would be a ... Читать далее...
2. Stagecoach surpriseI had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into ... Читать далее...
3. Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how theyThree newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail. The first one pulls out a harmonica and says «I can play all my favorite songs on this.» The second takes out a deck of cards. «I can play poker with myself with these.» The third gets out a box of ... Читать далее...
4. If Wang made toastersIf Wang made toasters… Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more ... Читать далее...
5. The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignmentThe CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, «We need to know that ... Читать далее...
6. A tall woman met a midget at a partyA tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. «I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,» said the woman, «especially with the size ... Читать далее...
7. Fixing an ailmentIn Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They ... Читать далее...
8. Значение идиомы come to pass[come to pass] {v. phr.}, {literary} To happen; occur. Strange things come to pass in troubled times. It came to pass that the jailer visited him by night. His hopes of success did not come to pass. Compare: BRING TO PASS, COME ABOUT....
9. Three Irish women were discussing their respective matesCould this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my ... Читать далее...
10. A little old lady gets onto a crowded busA little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, «If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.» The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. ... Читать далее...
11. A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it overA cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, «I’m going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.» ... Читать далее...
12. Getting an Advantage in SportsTammy: What are you doing this year to give your team an Advantage? Phillip: I Have a few tricks up my sleeve. We’re going to have a Winning season. Tammy: Are you going To start Wang? Phillip: No, I’m Redshirting Wang. I want him to sit out his first year so he can Sharpen his ... Читать далее...
13. Soap dispenserTwo priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back ... Читать далее...
14. A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digestedA pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:»Ok. I’ll let him pass, there’s no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him:»What’s going on out there?» ... Читать далее...
15. A man and a woman who have never met before find themselvesA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, «I’m ... Читать далее...
16. When asked for her occupationWhen asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. «Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,» he smiled with delight. «Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red ... Читать далее...
17. Proctology findingsThis guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it ... Читать далее...
18. A man and a woman are on an elevator at the topA man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world’s tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don’t work, the emergency phone doesn’t work, and they both begin to panic. The woman screams «We’re going to ... Читать далее...
19. Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the roadLittle Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. «My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf», says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time ... Читать далее...
20. Trying Unusual FoodsAntonio: What is that smell?! It Stinks! Candace: This is a dish my roommate taught me to make. It’s really good. Want a Bite? Antonio: You’ve got to be kidding me! You actually eat that? You can Stomach something that smells that Foul? Candace: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. I admit that it’s ... Читать далее...
21. A guy walks into an elevator and stands nextA guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, «Can I smell your pussy?» The woman looks at him in disgust and says, «Certainly not!» «Hmmm,» he replies. «It must be your feet, then.»...
22. Перевод слова unusualUnusual — необычный, особенный, исключительный Перевод слова Unusual event — необыкновенное событие nothing unusual — ничего особенного unusual occurrences — странные происшествия There is nothing Unusual in it. В этом нет ничего странного. These days it is not Unusual. В ниши дни это не редкость. She has an Unusual name. У нее необычное имя. Происхождение ... Читать далее...
23. A little boy was excited about his first day at schoolA little boy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked ... Читать далее...
24. Необычный случай/ Unusual CaseНа английском языке Перевод на русский язык Unusual Case Необычный случай I believe that most things in our life happen for a reason. However, it’s up to us to find out which reason exactly. Once I was going through a very strange day. Since early morning I had a series of failures. At first, I ... Читать далее...
25. The homework scheduleHere is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend ... Читать далее...
26. An eight year old boy is walking down the road one dayAn eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. «If you get in the car,» the driver says, «I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.» The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an ... Читать далее...
27. A woman goes to a psychiatrist and saysA woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, «Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband — he thinks he’s a refrigerator!» «I wouldn’t worry too much about it,» the doctor replies. «Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.» «But you don’t understand,» the woman insists. «He sleeps with his mouth open, ... Читать далее...
28. Elderly romanceThere’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, «For five dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my ... Читать далее...
29. A helping handHarry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, «Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around ... Читать далее...
30. SCHEDULE OF A MANA MAN’S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because «alarm didn’t work». 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while «enjoying» favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at ... Читать далее...
31. A man and a woman are sitting next to each otherA man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down. «My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,» she said. «What a coincidence! My wife just left me,» said the man, «she ... Читать далее...
32. Short gender jokesA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more ... Читать далее...
33. Jewish flyA man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in ... Читать далее...
34. Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woodsLittle Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. «Ah-ha….,» The Big Bad Wolf said, «Now I’ve got you and I’m going to eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!…» Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, «Damn it, ... Читать далее...
35. A woman consulted a doctorA woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, ... Читать далее...
36. A new scamWARNING! This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы second class[second class] {n.} 1. The second best or highest group; the classnext after the first. Joe was good enough in arithmetic to be putin the second class but was not good enough for the first. Compare:FIRST CLASS. 2. The place or quarters, especially on a ship, train, orairplane which people travel who pay the next ... Читать далее...
38. Harry and his wife are driving in the countryHarry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, «Cow For Sale…$5000.» He pulls in and says to the farmer, «There’s no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars.» The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.» He lifts the cow’s tail, and Harry sees ... Читать далее...
39. Conversation over dinnerConversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not — don’t you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN: Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) ... Читать далее...
40. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confessionThere once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.» The priest said, «Confess your sins and be forgiven.» The young woman said, «Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.» The priest thought long and hard ... Читать далее...