Amusing Jokes about the Irish

Related topics:

1. Irish religion jokesBoyle sat in a Belfast confessional. «Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,» he said. «I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!» «All right, my son,» admonished the priest. «For penance, finish off the stations!» Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, «Thank you, ... Читать далее...
2. Irish Pub JokesMurphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, «Where are we now?» The guide said, «We’re in the great state of Texas.» «It’s a big place,» said Murphy. The ... Читать далее...
3. Jokes about the Stupid IrishA man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, «Fill it up, will you?». The man says «Sorry — we’re right out of petrol.» So the man considers, and ... Читать далее...
4. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confessionThere once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.» The priest said, «Confess your sins and be forgiven.» The young woman said, «Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.» The priest thought long and hard ... Читать далее...
5. Clean Jokes about the IrishMurphy said to his daughter, «I want you home by eleven o’clock.» She said, «But Father, I’m no longer a child!» He said, «I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.» MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O’Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on ... Читать далее...
6. Jokes about the Fighting IrishGallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. «Did you see the paper?» asked Gallagher. «They say I died!!» «Yes, I saw it!» replied Finney. «Where are you callin’ from?» It was general question time on the «Top ... Читать далее...
7. Amusing Humor about the IrishO’Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O’Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o’clock the doorbell rang. It was the next ... Читать далее...
8. Irish Religion HumorFather Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, «Do you want to go to heaven?» The man said, «I do Father.» The priest said, «Then stand over there against the wall.» Then the priest asked the second man, «Do you want to got to heaven?» «Certainly, Father,» ... Читать далее...
9. A strange jigsaw puzzlePaddy gets a phone call from Murphy. «Paddy,» says Murphy, «I’ve got a problem.» «What’s the matter?» replies Paddy «Oi’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.» «What’s the picture of?» asks Paddy «It’s of a big cockerel,» Murphy replies. Paddy says, «Alroight, ... Читать далее...
10. Short gender jokesA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more ... Читать далее...
11. A woman was thinking about finding a petA woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large ... Читать далее...
12. Who am I?Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: «Quick! My husband is back!» Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: «Shit! But I am the husband!» Sent by Ser...
13. Virginia JokesVirginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix? — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Virginia: Please don’t confuse us ... Читать далее...
14. Short Irish JokesQ: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic? A: It has a 12 month waiting list. Q: What’s long & green & has a low I. Q.? A: A St. Patrick’s Day Parade Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can’t you borrow ... Читать далее...
15. Irish marriage jokesPaddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, «If you continue drinking as you do, you’ll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you’ll turn into a mouse.» This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said ... Читать далее...
16. Funny Jokes about the IrishThe Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. «Name?» «Brendan O’Connor.» «Same as mine. Where are you from?» «County Cork.» «Same as me……» The policeman paused with his pen in the air. «Hold on a moment and I’ll come back and talk about the ... Читать далее...
17. Funny Humor about the IrishThis is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of ... Читать далее...
18. Jokes about Ireland 2Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Joey-Jim asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» he replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
19. Jokes about Dumb IrishmenThe blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. ... Читать далее...
20. Three Irish women were discussing their respective matesCould this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my ... Читать далее...
21. Extreme SportsCeleste: I’m so glad it’s Friday. Are you doing anything this weekend? Ryan: I’m going Snowboarding with James. Celeste: Didn’t you guys go Bungee jumping last weekend? Ryan: Yeah, and we plan to go Cave diving in a couple of weeks. Celeste: I didn’t know you were into Extreme sports. I guess it’s a big ... Читать далее...
22. Перевод слова thoughtfulThoughtful — вдумчивый, думающий, тщательно продуманный Перевод слова Thoughtful expression — задумчивое выражение (лица) thoughtful introduction — тщательно продуманное введение not thoughtful of danger — не думающий об опасности She looked at me with a Thoughtful expression. Она посмотрела на меня с задумчивым выражением. He became Thoughtful about religion. Он стал серьезно относиться к религии. ... Читать далее...
23. Taking PhotographsRyan: Stop Mugging for the camera and stand Still! Katrina: I’ve been standing still for 10 minutes, while you’ve been setting up the Shot. I have to do something. This is boring! Ryan: I almost have the Settings right. Okay, let’s try a shot. Say “cheese.” Katrina: Cheese. Ryan: Oh, you look Washed out in ... Читать далее...
24. Equally qualifiedYoung man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went ... Читать далее...
25. A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good lookingA young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, «Stop making love down there!» «What’s the matter with you?» the husband said when the sailor climbed down. «We weren’t making love.» «Sorry,» said the sailor, «From ... Читать далее...
26. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors officeA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, «If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die». 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, ... Читать далее...
27. A young blonde woman is distraughtA young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband ... Читать далее...
28. Humor about Irish Pubs(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. «Jazus Mick…Well have to turn ... Читать далее...
29. Poor Rabbi!A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning’s relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so ... Читать далее...
30. SufferingA young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, «My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.» The counselor turns to her husband and inquires «Is that true?» The husband replies «Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.»...
31. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger ladyAn older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the ... Читать далее...
32. A young married womanA young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, «Do you talk to your husband when you’re making love?» She thought about it a minute then said, «Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now.»...
33. Irish LaughsCasey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along. One day she said to him, «If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.» Casey mumbled, «If it ... Читать далее...
34. What day is todayOver breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, «I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.» «Of course I do,» he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a. m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of ... Читать далее...
35. Groundhog Day«I bet you don’t know what day this is», said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: «Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?» With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова whistleWhistle — свист, свисток, свистеть Перевод слова To whistle a song — насвистывать мелодию to blow a whistle — свистеть в свисток factory whistle — заводской гудок I heard this song on the radio and I’ve been Whistling it all day. Я слышал эту песню по радио, и я насвистывал ее весь день. The Whistle ... Читать далее...
37. The couple was dining out when the wife noticedThe couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. «Elliot,» she said, pointing «do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?» The husband looked over and nodded. «Well,» the woman continued, «he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!» The husband returned ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод слова subwaySubway — тоннель, метро, подземка Перевод слова Cable subway — кабельный туннель subway map — схема метрополитена cycle subway — тоннель для проезда велосипедов We read it in an empty Subway car racketing under the deserted streets. Мы прочитали это в пустом вагоне метро, громыхавшем под пустынными улицами. I took the Subway to midtown. Я ... Читать далее...
39. A woman walks into a pet storeA woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, «I’m looking to buy a pet for my husband but I’m on a very short budget!.» «No worries,» replies the clerk. ... Читать далее...
40. A great way to spend eternityA couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love. «How awful!» exclaimed the wife. «Si, but what a great way to ... Читать далее...