A preacher was completing a temperance sermon

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1. A fine sermonA man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher’s sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand. «Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon.» The preacher says «Why thank you sir, but we don’t used profanity in the house of the ... Читать далее...
2. The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacherThe congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said «Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now.» More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their ... Читать далее...
3. The Preacher buys a ParrotA preacher is buying a parrot. «Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?» asked the preacher. «Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,» the storekeeper assures him. «Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he ... Читать далее...
4. The HatAn elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit ... Читать далее...
5. The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermonThe minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone ... Читать далее...
6. Kick-ass sermonA new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, » When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, ... Читать далее...
7. A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digestedA pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:»Ok. I’ll let him pass, there’s no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him:»What’s going on out there?» ... Читать далее...
8. Перевод слова emphasisEmphasis — подчеркивание, акцент, ударение Перевод слова Particular emphasis — особое значение emphasis is placed on — делать упор на emphasis added — «курсив мой» The course places Emphasis on practical work. Учебный курс, уделяет особое внимание практическим занятиям. In Japan there is a lot of Emphasis on politeness. В Японии, вежливость, имеет большое значение. ... Читать далее...
9. A lost skillThis preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. «This mower work, son?» the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, «Sure does — just pull on the cord hard, though.» The preacher took the mower home and when he got ... Читать далее...
10. I trying to prove a pointA man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says «I want you ... Читать далее...
11. Spirits in IrelandТопик Ирландский алкоголь расскажет об истории ирландского виски и ирландского пива «Гиннесс». Если сравнить между собой шотландский виски и ирландский, то между ними будет разница. И вот еще один очень интересный лингвистический факт: даже слово «виски» в Шотландии и Ирландии пишутся по-разному. Здесь даже приводится рецепт «кофе по-ирландски» и вы, конечно, сможете его правильно приготовить, ... Читать далее...
12. HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! (The Thanksgiving Special) Step 1:Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step ... Читать далее...
13. Перевод слова riverRiver — река, поток Перевод слова To throw a bridge across a river — перекинуть мост через реку to move by the river side — идти вдоль реки a river of lava — поток лавы The River floods. Река поднимается. They sailed down the River. Они поплыли вниз по реке. The River recedes. Вода в ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова songSong — песня, песнь Перевод слова The song of praise — хвалебная песнь prick song — дразнилка give us a song — спойте нам что-нибудь evergreen song — песня на все времена The Song is 24 bars long. В этой песне 24 такта. He sang a love Song. Он пел песню о любви. She whistled ... Читать далее...
15. Перевод слова wineWine — вино Перевод слова An elegant wine — отменное вино empty wine-bottle — пустая винная бутылка full of wine — полный вина wine glass — бокал для вина We got drunk on Wine. Мы опьянели от вина. The Wine was doped. В вино что-то подмешали. Wine is made from grape. Вино делают из винограда....
16. The wrong definitionWay down in the deep south, in an area known as the ‘Bible Belt,’ there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, «Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!» The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, «One of you, here ... Читать далее...
17. A man walks into a pubThe following was contributed by Emil: A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman, «cor! I’ve just had my first blow-job and it was great! — I’ll have a large whiskey please, barman.» The man takes his whiskey and downs it. «Same again?» asks the barman. «Okay» ... Читать далее...
18. Going to a Concert II (Fast)My friend Ben and I have been waiting a month to see our favorite band in concert. This was the night. We were so excited. In a small Venue like the Whiskey, there wouldn’t be a Bad seat in the house. So, we get to the Whiskey really early to find Street parking and Snagged ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова beerBeer — пиво Перевод слова Ginger beer — имбирное пиво to brew beer — варить пиво beer bust — пивное сборище I’d like a Beer now! Мне бы пива сейчас! He drank a jar of Beer. Он выпил банку пива. I’ll have a Beer, please. Мне пива, пожалуйста....
20. Перевод слова throwThrow — бросать, кидать, бросок Перевод слова Throw from standing position — бросок из стойки to throw a bridge across a river — перекинуть мост через реку throw with the hammer — метание молота The horse Threw its rider. Лошадь сбросила своего седока. She Threw herself down on the sofa. Она плюхнулась на диван. He ... Читать далее...
21. Значение идиомы minority leader[minority leader] {n. phr.} The leader of the political party thathas fewer votes in a legislative house. The minority leader of theSenate supported the bill. The minority leader in the House ofRepresentatives held a caucus. Compare: MAJORITY LEADER....
22. Значение идиомы rid of[rid of] Free of; away from; without the care or trouble. Thepuppy is finally rid of worms. If I could be rid of the childrenfor the day, I would go. I wish you’d get rid of that cat! Compare: DO AWAY WITH, THROW AWAY, THROW OFF....
23. Перевод слова expressionExpression — выражение; оборот речи Перевод слова Literary expression — литературный оборот to offer an expression of regret — принести сожаления dead-pan expression — невозмутимое выражение He had a stupid Expression on his face. У него было глупое выражение лица. She spoke in a quite voice but used remarkably coarse Expressions. Она говорила спокойным голосом, ... Читать далее...
24. Before performing a baptism, the priest approachedBefore performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, «Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?» «I think so,» the man replied. «My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.» «I don’t mean ... Читать далее...
25. WhiskeyТопик Виски рассказывает про историю алкогольного напитка виски. Шотландские кельты называли его водой жизни. Вы узнаете о производстве виски, о том, насколько разным бывает виски в разных странах. Whiskey (from the Gaelic for «water of life»), spirituous liquor distilled from a fermented mash of grains, usually rye, barley, oats, wheat, or corn. Inferior whiskeys are ... Читать далее...
26. Completing a Drug/Alcohol Rehabilitation ProgramJohn: I’m glad to see you’re back and looking so healthy. Lindsay: Thanks. Rehab wasn’t easy, but getting Treatment for my Addiction saved my life. I’d hit Rock bottom. John: Recovery from Substance abuse isn’t easy, but I’m happy you got the help you needed. Lindsay: I’m glad I checked into an Inpatient program. I ... Читать далее...
27. A woman goes into a bar and orders a beerA woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt. Finally, the barman says: «Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?» «Well,» the chick replies, ... Читать далее...
28. Значение идиомы majority leader[majority leader] {n.} The leader of the political party with themost votes in a legislative house. The majority leader of the Houseof Representatives tried to get the members of his party to supportthe bill. Compare: MINORITY LEADER....
29. Перевод слова leaderLeader — лидер, вождь, глава, руководитель Перевод слова The leader of an expedition — глава, руководитель экспедиции spiritual leader — духовный лидер opposition leader — лидер оппозиции He’s got all the qualities to be a Leader. У него есть все качества, необходимые для того, чтобы стать лидером. Sol was the Leader of the pack. Сол ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы after all[after all] {adv. phr.} 1. As a change in plans; anyway. — Used with emphasis on «after». Bob thought he couldn’t go to the party because he had too much homework, but he went after all. 2. For a good reason that you should remember. — Used with emphasis on «all». Why shouldn’t Betsy eat ... Читать далее...
31. Who keeps saying those thingsA man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively «You’ve got great hair!» The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard ... Читать далее...
32. Death row sing alongThere was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they ... Читать далее...
33. Who will you choose?It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts. Here’s the scoop on the three leading candidates. Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until ... Читать далее...
34. Bet made at the local barA man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы for a song[for a song] {adv. phr.}, {informal} At a low price; for a bargainprice; cheaply. He sold the invention for a song and its buyerswere the ones who got rich. They bought the house for a song andsold it a few years later at a good profit....
36. An unfortunate coincidenceOne day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. «Reverend,» she said, «I have a problem—my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?» «I have an idea,» said the minister. «Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell ... Читать далее...
37. Finding the Right WineAntonio: Why are we stopping here? Melanie: We can’t go to the dinner party Empty-handed. We need to bring a bottle of Wine. Antonio: I don’t know anything about wines. You’ll need to pick a bottle. Melanie: I don’t know much about wines, either. I just know we need a good Table wine. Do you ... Читать далее...
38. A Girl Scout troop leaderA Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. «Back ladies, back!» cried the leader. «There’s a very dangerous beast out there!» But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was ... Читать далее...
39. Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine?Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If so, have I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water soluble, crystalline red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and wait for them to take a leak. (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it goes ... Читать далее...
40. The Eighteen BottlesI had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with ... Читать далее...