A new scam

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1. An IRS scamWARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,» DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential ... Читать далее...
2. Exterior Parts of a CarEthan: You missed a spot. Marie: Hold on. When we made our bet for the loser to wash the winner’s car, it didn’t include the other person being there and being a Pain in the neck. Ethan: I’m just here to make sure everything gets washed properly, from the Hood to the Taillights. Marie: Don’t ... Читать далее...
3. Now he’s in troubleA police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, «what’s the problem officer?» To which the policeman responded, «I stopped you for running that red light behind you.» Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and ... Читать далее...
4. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confessionThere once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.» The priest said, «Confess your sins and be forgiven.» The young woman said, «Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.» The priest thought long and hard ... Читать далее...
5. Значение идиомы pull up[pull up] {v.} 1. To check the forward motion of; halt; stop. Hepulled up his horse at the gate. 2. To tell to stop doingsomething; say is doing wrong and must stop; scold. Jimtalked rudely to Mother, and Father pulled him up. Ann said in herreport that America was discovered in 1634, and the teacher ... Читать далее...
6. Handling a Traffic StopI was having a great day until I saw the police car behind me with its loud Siren and lights Flashing. I Pulled off the road and waited for the officer to approach my car. Officer: May I see your Driver’s license, proof of insurance, and Car registration, please? Lindsay: Let me get them out ... Читать далее...
7. A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouseA driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. «Don’t know,» the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview ... Читать далее...
8. Getting a Traffic TicketI was driving down the street when I saw a Police car behind me. Suddenly, it turned on its Siren. I realized that I was Being pulled over. Officer: Can I see your Driver’s license, Registration, and Proof of insurance? Ray: Sure. Here you are, officer. Officer: Did you know that you were Speeding? You ... Читать далее...
9. An Unusual AilmentA man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the ... Читать далее...
10. Newly issued alcohol warningsThe Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a ... Читать далее...
11. Show him your crossTwo nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. «Quick, quick!» shouts Sister Mary Agnes, «What should ... Читать далее...
12. Warning labelsIf government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let’s at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major ... Читать далее...
13. Elderly romanceThere’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, «For five dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my ... Читать далее...
14. Three Irish women were discussing their respective matesCould this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my ... Читать далее...
15. A Good ListenerWoman: Hi, Long time no see. How have you been? Man: Oh, I’ve been fine, but I’m having some trouble with my son. Woman: Tell me all about it. Man: Oh, he’s 14 and in the past few months, he’s become quieter and a bit Secretive. He locks himself in his room and I think ... Читать далее...
16. An advantage of being with an older womanIf you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you....
17. Arguing about the signA man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks ... Читать далее...
18. Brain or muscles?The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. «Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,» he said. ... Читать далее...
19. A recently divorced woman is walking along the beachA recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the ... Читать далее...
20. A bowlegged manA woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom’s hand and said, » Momma, look at the bowlegged man.» Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort ... Читать далее...
21. Значение идиомы come to light[come to light] {v. phr.} To be discovered; become known; appear. John’s thefts from the bank where he worked came to light when the bank examiners made an inspection. When the old woman died it came to light that she was actually rich. New facts about ancient Egypt have recently come to light. Compare: BRING ... Читать далее...
22. Save the dead rabbitA man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side ... Читать далее...
23. Hair sprayA man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side ... Читать далее...
24. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger ladyAn older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the ... Читать далее...
25. BassQ: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one — but the guitarist has to show him first. Q: How many bass players does ... Читать далее...
26. A couple of geezers were sittingA couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. «How are you, Tom?» asked Marvin. «I’m not feeling well today — utterly exhausted,» Tom replied. «I pulled a muscle and it’s killing me.» «That pulled muscle shouldn’t make you so tired, though.» «Well, it does if you ... Читать далее...
27. A guy was driving down the road in his YugoA guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop. He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, «Excuse me, but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?» The ... Читать далее...
28. Значение идиомы pull up short[pull up short] {v. phr.} To suddenly stop. He pulled up shortin his red car at the corner when he saw a pregnant lady crossing. When Mark saw that he was hurting Jill’s feelings, he pulled up shortand started to talk about something entirely different....
29. A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole outA young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. «Oh,» says the older priest, «give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents.»...
30. The office playboy had a date with an attractive young womanThe office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. «She uses too many four-letter words for me,» was the reply. «Really?» «Yes,» answered the playboy. «All evening long she was saying «don’t» and «stop» and «quit that.»...
31. When asked for her occupationWhen asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. «Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,» he smiled with delight. «Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red ... Читать далее...
32. Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydivingOscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to ... Читать далее...
33. Перевод слова womanWoman — женщина Перевод слова A woman with history — женщина с прошлым a woman of great insight — необыкновенно проницательная женщина likely young woman — привлекательная молодая женщина man born of woman — смертный The mugger assaulted the Woman. Грабитель напал на женщину. She is a very determined Woman. Она очень решительная женщина. She ... Читать далее...
34. Five fingersA beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers. «Oh darling!» she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?» «No», says the old fellow, «it means that you can pick one out.»...
35. You should be more polliteTrafalgar Square. A young man and an old woman sit on a bench. Near the benches walk a lot of pigeons. Pigeons make a lot of noise. Young man stands up and begins to shout: «Fuck off you stupid pigeons! Fuck off!». An old woman says: «Young man. You should be more pollite and not ... Читать далее...
36. Mary was having an affair during the day whileMary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: «Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!» Ralph looked ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы light[light] See: BRING TO LIGHT, COME TO LIGHT, DASH LIGHT, HIDE ONE’SLIGHT UNDER A BUSHEL, IN THE LIGHT OF, MAKE LIGHT OF, MANY HANDS MAKELIGHT WORK, OUT LIKE A LIGHT, SEE THE LIGHT, TRAVEL LIGHT....
38. Значение идиомы see the light[see the light] {v. phr.}, {informal} To understand or agree, oftensuddenly; accept another’s explanation or decision. I did notapprove of his action, but he explained his reason and then I saw thelight. Bill wanted Harry to help him, but Harry wasn’t in the mooduntil Bill offered to pay him. Then Harry saw the light. Marythought ... Читать далее...
39. A little old lady gets onto a crowded busA little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, «If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.» The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. ... Читать далее...
40. This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girlsThis elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, «cough drops» and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, «What are you doing here, m’am?» ... Читать далее...