A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian

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1. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a […]...
2. Olympic condoms A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he’s just made. “Olympic condoms?” she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors,” he explains, “gold, silver and bronze.” “So what color […]...
3. Перевод слова Canadian Canadian – канадский, канадец, канадка Перевод слова French Canadians – франкоговорящие канадцы canadian dollar – канадский доллар canadian spruce – ель канадская ‘He’s Canadian.’ ‘Really?’ – Он канадец.’ – В самом деле?’ They were fishing in Canadian waters. Они ловили рыбу в Канадских территориальных водах. Canadian otters have thicker rudders. У канадских выдр более толстый […]...
4. A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. “Reach up there and find out.” She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, “Oh, it’s gruesome!” “Aye, it has,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put your hand back up there, it’ll grow some more!”...
5. Where are my pyjamas? A man calls his wife and says to her, “Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?” “Sure, honey,” his wife answers.”Oh, and could you please pack my […]...
6. All-inclusive An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar. The bartender turned around and said, “Is this some kind of a joke?”...
7. The Young Mans Big Mouth The Young Man’s Big Mouth A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms […]...
8. Made in Canada President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the American President cried, “My people’s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Bill, da Canadian pipple would be ‘appy to do anyt’ing wit’in der power to ‘elp you,” replied the Prime Minister. “I do need your help,” […]...
9. Air Canada flight finds stranded Australian yacht They were ready to land in Australia, at the end of a 14-hour international flight, when the 270 passengers of an Air Canada flight were suddenly thrown into a high-seas search-and-rescue operation. Flight AC033 diverted after pilot Andrew Robertson got a call from the Australian Maritime Safety Authority on Tuesday to help search for a […]...
10. Packing Toiletries for a Trip It was going to be my wife’s 30th birthday this week and I was Surprising her with a trip to San Diego for the weekend. Since it was going to be a surprise, I needed to Pack both of our Bags before Picking her up from work and Hitting the road. Packing my stuff was […]...
11. A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy […]...
12. Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two […]...
13. A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.” “She did,” he replied. “But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?”...
14. Canadian Cities and Towns Топик Города Канады познакомит вас с самыми крупными городами страны. В первую очередь, это столица Канады – Оттава, расположенная на берегу одноименной реки, и более 20 мостов украшают этот красивый город. Торонто – крупный промышленный центр и город-порт на одном из Великих Озер – Онтарио. Монреаль – также город-порт, один из торговых и культурных центров […]...
15. Перевод слова pack Pack – пакет, упаковка, упаковывать, заполнять Перевод слова Jumbo pack – огромный пакет king-size pack – упаковка большего размера pack of jackals – стая шакалов I’ll go home and Pack. Я пойду домой и уложу вещи. Fans Packed the stadium. Фанаты заполнили стадион. I hid my money in my Pack. Я спрятал деньги в своем […]...
16. Перевод слова brand Brand – торговая марка, бренд Перевод слова Corporate brand – корпоративный бренд stand-alone brand – одиночный бренд brand image – имидж торговой марки They no longer Brand their cattle. Они больше не клеймят свой скот. Which Brand of carpet did you choose? Какую марку ковра выберешь? The store sells a variety of shoe Brands. Магазин […]...
17. Значение идиомы hell [hell] See: COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, GO THROUGH HELL AND HIGHWATER, HELL-ON-WHEELS, LIKE HELL, TO HELL WITH, UNTIL HELL FREEZESOVER, WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER....
18. A kind of sport A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?” He replies, “Touchdown, I am […]...
19. Gimme some aspirin! Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms. “I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms.” “Yeah, I went to a dozen drug […]...
20. Перевод идиомы brand-new / brand new, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: brand-new / brand new Перевод: совершенно новый Пример: I was finally able to buy a brand-new car. Мне, наконец, удалось купить абсолютно новую машину....
21. Marriage quotes 11 My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one […]...
22. Canada America An American will say, “Hot day!” A Canadian will say, “Hot day, eh?” meaning “It’s a hot day, isn’t it?” This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted their independence. Canada […]...
23. Canadian Cities and Towns – Большие и малые города Канады Canada is a country with rapid growth of the population. It is mainly concentrated in large cities. The most important among them is the capital of the country, Ottawa. It is situated on the picturesque bank of the Ottawa River. One third of its population is descendants of English and French immigrants. Before the colonization, […]...
24. Capitalist and Socialist Hell A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, “What […]...
25. Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, “Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.” “Good idea,” she says. “While you’re in there, pick me up some Dramamine.” The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore […]...
26. Значение идиомы brand-new [brand-new] also [bran-new] {adj.} As new or fresh as when just made and sold by the manufacturer; showing no use or wear. He had taken a brand-new car from the dealer’s floor and wrecked it. In Uncle Tom’s trunk, we found a wedding ring, still in its little satin-lined box, still brand-new....
27. Marriage quotes 03 There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!” Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. When a […]...
28. Canada language How you can spot a Canadian, eh? – Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers) How do you tell a Canadian from an American? It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he’d say “zed” instead of “zee”. But 18 years of Sesame Street […]...
29. The Australian way After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She […]...
30. Перевод слова hell Hell – ад, преисподня; черт (ругательство) Перевод слова To make smb.’s life a hell – превратить чью-л. жизнь в ад to suffer through hell – переносить муки ада oh hell! – черт возьми! hell of a way – чертовски далеко Who the Hell are you? Кто ты такой, черт побери? To Hell with the flaming […]...
31. Значение идиомы a hell of [a hell of] a [or one hell of a] {adj. or adv. phr.}, {informal} Extraordinary; very. He made a hell of a shot during the basketball game. Max said seven months was a hell of a time to have to wait for a simple visa. The fall Max took left one hell of a bruise […]...
32. An Australian Christmas Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh Never have a white Christmas When you in Melbourne live Wearing hot pants on the beach When you your presents give Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his […]...
33. The guide to wife translations The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need […]...
34. Saving the situation After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, “What the hell happened?” “As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,” replied the wife. “Piss on him,” answered the husband. “You did,” said the wife, “and he fired […]...
35. The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. “Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?” The Vicar […]...
36. Pack your bags honey! This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!” She says, “Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” He replies, “I don’t care…Just get the f**k out!”...
37. Gift tombstones A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: “Here lies my wife…..cold as ever” Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: “Here lies my husband…..stiff at last”...
38. The Australian liberal party announced today The Australian liberal party announced today that they are changing their emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party’s political stance : A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages co-operation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others....
39. Shopping at the Supermarket Stocker: Can I help you find something? Meg: Yes, I’m looking for coffee. Stocker: That’s on Aisle 3. Let me show you where it is. Meg: Thanks. Hmm, I don’t see the Jitters Brand that I normally buy. Stocker: It looks like we’re Out of stock. We should get another Shipment next week. Meg: Okay, […]...
40. Shopping at the Supermarket Stocker: Can I help you find something? Meg: Yes, I’m looking for coffee. Stocker: That’s on Aisle 3. Let me show you where it is. Meg: Thanks. Hmm, I don’t see the Jitters Brand that I normally buy. Stocker: It looks like we’re Out of stock. We should get another Shipment next week. Meg: Okay, […]...