Women’s instructions

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1. Conversation over dinnerConversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not — don’t you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN: Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) ... Читать далее...
2. Three guys are discussing womenThree guys are discussing women. «I like to watch a woman’s tits best,» the first guy says. The second says «I like to look at a woman’s ass.» He asks the third guy «What about you?». «Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.»...
3. Four nuns arrived at the gates of heavenFour nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand.» St. Peter says:»You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in.» The second says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands.» ... Читать далее...
4. Перевод слова instructionInstruction — инструкция, команда, обучение Перевод слова Driving instruction — обучение вождению автомобиля instruction code — система команд under the instruction — по поручению I had Instructions not to admit strangers. Мне было приказано не впускать незнакомцев. You should read each Instruction carefully. Вы следует внимательно читать каждую инструкцию. We acted on your Instructions. Мы ... Читать далее...
5. Перевод слова houseworkHousework — работа по дому Перевод слова To do housework — делать работу по дому facilitate housework — облегчать работу домашней хозяйки to be terrible at housework — быть никудышным для домашней работы I promised Mum that I’d help more with the Housework. Я пообещал маме, что буду больше помогать по хозяйству. I discovered an ... Читать далее...
6. A man decided to have a face liftA man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, «I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think ... Читать далее...
7. Значение идиомы book[book] See: CLOSED BOOK, CLOSE THE BOOKS, HIT THE BOOKS, KEEP BOOKS, NOSE IN A BOOK, ONE FOR THE BOOKS, READ ONE LIKE A BOOK, TALKING BOOK, THROW THE BOOK AT....
8. Definition of Outdoor BarbecuingDefinition of Outdoor Barbecuing ——————————— It’s the only type of cooking a «real» man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat ... Читать далее...
9. Books in Our Life«Books and friends should be few but good,» says an English proverb. «Except a living man there is nothing more wonderful than a book! They teach us and open their hearts to us as brothers,» wrote Charles Kingsley, an English writer of the 19th century. The book is certainly one of the greatest human inventions. ... Читать далее...
10. A woman walks into her accountant’s office andA woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, «Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.» He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, «What is your occupation?» The woman replies, «I’m a whore.» The accountant balks ... Читать далее...
11. Shoe shoppingA man walks into a shoe store… …and tries on a pair of shoes. «How do they feel?» asks the sales clerk. «Well… they feel a bit tight.» replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. «Try pulling the tongue out.» offers the clerk. ... Читать далее...
12. A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnantA woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, «Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?» The doctor answered, «Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy ... Читать далее...
13. Punishment that fits the crimeThree dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks «why are you here?» The schnauzer responds, «I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been ... Читать далее...
14. A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-weekA guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says «OK,» and goes to the pharmacy to buy ... Читать далее...
15. Two blondes were walking down the streetTwo blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, «Hmmm, this person looks familiar.» «Let me look.» said the other one. So she handed her the compact. The second blonde looked in the mirror ... Читать далее...
16. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
17. Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinksThree women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, ... Читать далее...
18. A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly womanA guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder…I’ll sleep with you.» Guy says: «An alligator?» Woman says: «Close enough»...
19. Ne day, this man, Tony, diedOne day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could ... Читать далее...
20. After the party, as the couple was driving homeAfter the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, «Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?» The flattered husband said, «No, dear they haven’t.» The wife yells, «Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?»...
21. Значение идиомы nose in a book[nose in a book] {n. phr.} Busy interest in reading. — Used with apossessive. Mother can’t get Mary to help do the housework; shealways has her nose in a book....
22. A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladderA man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, ... Читать далее...
23. A man and a woman who have never met before find themselvesA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, «I’m ... Читать далее...
24. Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the verandaTwo elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, «Darling, do you remember the minuet?» The other replies, «Sweetheart, I can’t even remember the ones I screwed!»...
25. Modems beat womenSome reasons why a modem is better than a woman: A modem doesn’t ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing «AT». When you’re done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty. A modem won’t say a ... Читать далее...
26. Books in my life (3)There is an English proverb that says, «Books and friends should be few but good». And «Except a living man there is nothing more wonderful than a book!» I totally agree with it. Any book is a wonderful thing! Just imagine – it may seem that it’s just paper pages with a cover and letters ... Читать далее...
27. A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each otherA Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window ... Читать далее...
28. Three Irish women were discussing their respective matesCould this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my ... Читать далее...
29. A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, «Do you know what I’m ... Читать далее...
30. Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cats UrineThis is, like, so dumb… Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat’s Urine 1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession. 2.Solemnly intone the word «no» every time the cat approaches the beaker. 3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds....
31. I’ve never understood why women love catsI’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, ... Читать далее...
32. Slow golfers aheadJoe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. ... Читать далее...
33. Try to explain womenA man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. «Sure,» GOD says, «Go right ahead». «OK,» the man says. «Why did you make women so pretty?» GOD says, «So you would like them.» «OK,» the guy says. «But how come you ... Читать далее...
34. Books in my life (2)В топике Книги в моей жизни (2) я рассказываю о том, что я привык к книгам с самого раннего детства, а когда я научился читать, мне нравились книги про животных, природу, детей. Став старше, я стал читать много книг о путешествиях, а сейчас я полюбил книги о науке. Книги играют очень важную роль в моей ... Читать далее...
35. A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctorA woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation: Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water. Woman: Ok. Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water. Woman: Ok. Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with ... Читать далее...
36. Happens all the timeA guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she’d like ... Читать далее...
37. A use for ViagraA man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. «How are you grandpa?» he asks. «Feeling fine,» says the old man. «What’s the food like?» «Terrific, wonderful menus.» «And the nursing?» «Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.» «What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?» «No problem at ... Читать далее...
38. Talking about CensorshipThe school that my daughter attends is trying to decide whether or not To ban certain books, which some parents think are Inappropriate. The school called a parents meeting To talk over the issue. At the meeting, one woman said: “The books on this list are Obscene! I don’t want my children reading that Filth!” ... Читать далее...
39. Топик «International Women’s Day (8 March) / Международный Женский День (8 Марта)»Словарь A present [ˈprez(ə)nt] — подарок To congratulate [kənˈɡrætjʊleɪt] — праздновать To wash up — мыть посуду To celebrate [ˈselɪbreɪt] — праздновать Almost [ˈɔːlməʊst] — почти Lay the table [leɪ ðə ˈteɪb(ə)l] — накрывать на стол The 8th of March is a great official holiday for all women. It began in 1909 by women in ... Читать далее...
40. The woman’s secretAt a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. «No woman,» said one man, scornfully, «can keep a secret.» «I don’t know about that,» huffily answered a woman guest. «I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.» «You’ll let it out some day,» the ... Читать далее...