When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town

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1. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. “Now, […]...
2. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do […]...
3. The Pope vs. the Queen The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, “I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my […]...
4. The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, “What’s a four letter word, ending in U – N – T that means ‘woman’?” The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn’t even bother to look up. […]...
5. Pope Dies Pope Dies The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon […]...
6. One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, “Young man, you’re much too young to smoke!” The kid […]...
7. The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, “I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.” Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, “Jesus […]...
8. On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, “What’s a four – letter word ending in “unt” which means “woman”? The bishop said, “Did you try “aunt”? The Pope said, “Mmmm. Do you […]...
9. There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death’s door, and said to her papal neighbour. ‘Father, surely you can do something about this…’ To which the Pope replied, […]...
10. The Pope took a philosophy professor The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the […]...
11. One night a man heard howls coming from his basement One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The […]...
12. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile […]...
13. What kind of clothes are there? What kind of clothes are there? women: clean & dirty Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazzard.(Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes)....
14. Indians and Polish There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave… “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!” and then listened very closely until he heard the […]...
15. A town in Poland had only one cow A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, — they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had […]...
16. Перевод слова parade Parade – парад, выставление напоказ Перевод слова To make a parade of one’s accomplishments – щеголять своими достоинствами to parade the streets – шествовать по улицам parade ground – площадка для парадов The festivities will commence with a Parade. Торжества начнутся с парада. Morning parade was in progress on the Parade ground. На плацу было […]...
17. Clinton at the parade The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992’s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had […]...
18. Значение идиомы dress up [dress up] {v.} 1a. To put on best or special clothes. Billy hated being dressed up and took off his best suit as soon as he got home from church. 1b. To put on a costume for fun or clothes for a part in a play. Mary was dressed up to play Cinderella in her […]...
19. A young punk gets on the cross-town bus A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multicoloured hair that’s green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits […]...
20. A theological debate Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the […]...
21. Coming across – Случайно встретившись How many times do we make ourselves think of our behavior and treatment towards other people? And the same question used to be held in a painter’s head. Bernard lived on his own, but, on the other hand he had the whole world in his arms. The painter was a well-skilled one and was able […]...
22. A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front […]...
23. Значение идиомы boil over [boil over] {v. phr.} 1. To rise due to boiling and overflow down the sides of a pan or a pot. “Watch out!” Jane cried. “The milk is boiling over on the stove!” 2. To become enraged to the point of being unable to contain oneself. John took a lot of abuse from his boss, […]...
24. Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch. Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going? Dog: Doin alright. Indian: [extreme look of shock] Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian] Dog: Yep Cowboy: How’s he treat you? […]...
25. The only true religion One day God called the Pope, and he said “John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion”. The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, […]...
26. On preparing to return home from an out of town trip On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About […]...
27. Millionaire uses fortune to help kids in struggling town Harris Rosen went from a childhood in a rough New York City neighborhood to becoming a millionaire whose company owns seven hotels in Orlando, but his self-made success is not his proudest achievement. Twenty years ago, the Orlando, Fla. neighborhood of Tangelo Park was a crime-infested place where people were afraid to walk down the […]...
28. A new statue for the bedroom A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to.” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s […]...
29. Значение идиомы head-on [head-on] {adj.} or {adv. phr.} 1. With the head or front pointingat; with the front facing; front end to front end. Our car skiddedinto a head-on crash with the truck. In the fog the boat ranhead-on into a log. There is a head-on view of the parade from ourhouse. Compare: FACE-TO-FACE. Contrast: REAR-END. 2. In […]...
30. Beautiful – in a sentence The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is “beautiful”. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?” Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for […]...
31. Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary 10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking. 9. Today is our what? 8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together? 7. I thought we only celebrated important events? 6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. 5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I […]...
32. Haircut before a trip A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. […]...
33. Значение идиомы get what’s coming to one [get what’s coming to one] or {slang} [get one’s] {v. phr.} Toreceive the good or bad that you deserve; get what is due to you; getyour share. At the end of the movie the villain got what was comingto him and was put in jail. John didn’t think he was getting whatwas coming to him, […]...
34. Значение идиомы in advance [in advance] or [in advance of] {adv. phr.} 1. In front; ahead ; first. In the parade, the band will march in advanceof the football team. The soldiers rode out of the fort with thescouts in advance. 2. Before doing or getting something. The motelman told Mr. Williams he would have to pay in advance. […]...
35. Перевод слова dirty Dirty – грязный; низкий, подлый Перевод слова Dirty business – грязное дело dirty bloody spots – темные пятна крови dirty deed – грязный, мерзкий поступок You’ve Dirtied up your dress in that mud! Ты запачкала платье в этой грязи! All my socks are Dirty. Все мои носки – грязные. What a Dirty trick! Какая пакость! […]...
36. Two men are discussing their lives Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.” The other one says, “I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”...
37. Religious battle golf The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held […]...
38. A little town had a high birth rate that A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got […]...
39. Anybody Home? A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is […]...
40. New Year’s Party I walked into the office and saw Rob with his Head down on his desk. I Tapped him on the shoulder. Christy: You look like you had a good New Year’s. Rob: Yeah, too good. I’m trying To catch up on sleep. Christy: Oh yeah? What did you do? Rob: I went to a New […]...