When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris

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1. The right rhythm On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her […]...
2. On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?” “Absolutely not!” replied the pastor. “In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid […]...
3. They are stopped by the police John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just […]...
4. Chris Columbus Directed Home Alone Instead of Christmas Vacation Because He Met Chevy Chase James Hughes, son of the legendary writer and director John Hughes, put together an oral history of Home Alone for Chicago magazine. In it, he reveals how the film ultimately found its director, Chris Columbus. After directing the 1988 flop Heartbreak Hotel, Columbus was worried about finding a new directing gig. Which is part of […]...
5. Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election. “I’m not voting for any of the candidates,” the first man said. “I don’t know any of them.” “I feel the same way,” the second man said. “Only I know them all.”...
6. A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” […]...
7. A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop. “I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.” “Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling […]...
8. One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, “I did that by accident.” She replied, “I know that, daddy.” He replied, “How’d you know?” The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!”...
9. Stranger on an Airplane Fay: Excuse me. I’m in the Window seat. Dustin: Oh, sure. Let me get up and let you in. Fay: Thanks. Dustin: Are you traveling on business? Fay: Yes, I am. I’m Changing planes in Denver On my way to South Carolina, and then I’m Off to Georgia on Wednesday. There’s no rest for the […]...
10. Very different children Two ten-year-old children were exactly opposites: Bill was a die-hard optimist, and Bob a hopeless pessimist. The mom asked the psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob and get Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up some manure for Bill […]...
11. Gauging the Doneness of Meat Chris: How do you like your Steak? Ruth: Well done. I don’t like any pink showing and I don’t mind if it’s a little Charred. Chris: I’ll cook it the way you want it, but it’ll be dry and Tough. Ruth: Yes, but a longer Cooking time kills Foodborne illnesses. I don’t want to eat […]...
12. One night, an 87-year-old woman One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to […]...
13. A yard sale A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of […]...
14. Little Mermaid Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?” She replied, “no sir!” So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, “Did you like that?” “Oh, indeed I did, […]...
15. It was obvious After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn’t look like a […]...
16. The English Year В топике Английский год рассказывается, как англичане делят год на сезоны, и какие месяцы соответствуют каждому времени года. Например, зима в Англии – это ноябрь, декабрь, январь и февраль; весна – март и апрель; лето – май, июнь, июль и август; осень – сентябрь и октябрь. В Великобритании зимние месяцы холодные, идет снег и дождь. […]...
17. This fellow comes to confession This fellow comes to confession. “Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?” “I lusted,” the fellow replied. “Tell me about it,” the priest said. The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in […]...
18. Going crazy with confusion A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply. “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then […]...
19. Rejecting Newer Technology Darlene: Thanks for agreeing to take a look at my computer. It’s been Acting up lately. Chris: Sure, I don’t mind. Is this it? Darlene: Yeah. Chris: How long have you had this computer? It looks like it belongs in the Ice age. Darlene: I admit it’s a little Dated. I must be one of […]...
20. Reward for goodness Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, […]...
21. This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above “You will live to be 100.” She looked around and didn’t see anyone. Again she heard “You will live to be 100.” Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I’ve got 40 more years […]...
22. Перевод идиомы pick a fight (with someone) / pick fights (with someone) / pick a quarrel (with someone), значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: pick a fight (with someone) / pick fights (with someone) / pick a quarrel (with someone) Перевод: начать ссору, драку с кем-либо (обычно преднамеренно) Пример: The man tried to pick a fight with his old friend. Мужчина пытался поссориться со своим старым другом....
23. Новогодние каникулы/ New Year Holidays На английском языке Перевод на русский язык New Year Holidays Новогодние каникулы At first, let me introduce myself. My name is Lisa. I’m fifteen years old and I’m a high school student. Each year we have school holidays and the longest one falls on summer. However, I like the New Year holidays most of all. […]...
24. The Seven-year Itch Sunny: Did you hear the news? Nancy and Brian are Splitting up. Igor: How long have they been married? Sunny: Eight years. I’m sure it was the Seven-year itch. I bet Brian was Unfaithful to Nancy. Igor: How do you know? Maybe it was Nancy who had a Wandering eye. Sunny: Maybe, but It’s a […]...
25. A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night. The bride rolled over and said, “That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?” The husband replied “Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.” “That’s nice honey” she replied, “What did it look […]...
26. Перевод слова grandmother Grandmother – бабушка Перевод слова To hug one’s grandmother – обнять свою бабушку teach grandmother – яйца курицу не учат; учить старшего; учить ученого great-grandmother – прабабка Grandmother dotes on the twins. Бабушка без ума от близнецов. She was named for her Grandmother. Ее назвали в честь бабушки. Her Grandmother must be pushing 75. Ее […]...
27. A little girl was out with her Grandmother A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. “What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.” They’re […]...
28. The price is right A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of […]...
29. You might be a redneck if 02 You might be a redneck if… Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it […]...
30. The meaning of life A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor. “No, I’ve never done any of those things either.” “Well […]...
31. How do we celebrate New Year in Russia? В топике Как мы празднуем Новый год в России? – я расскажу, как празднует этот любимый всеми праздник моя семья. Мой отец заранее покупает красивую елку, а я с удовольствием наряжаю ее разными игрушками и гирляндами. Мама и бабушка готовят торжественный ужин, а я пеку торт. Мы встречаем Новый Год с нашими родственниками, все обмениваются […]...
32. Don’t arrest the judge A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?” “That it is, “Irish […]...
33. Lost all my luggage McAteer arrived at J. F. K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied McAteer. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out,” said the Irishman....
34. Перевод слова airport Airport – аэропорт Перевод слова Airport limousine – машина, нанимаемая в аэропорту on the way to the airport – по пути в аэропорт airport workload – загруженность аэропорта airport capacity – пропускная способность аэропорта The Airport was fogged in. Аэропорт был окутан туманом. I took a cab to the Airport. Я взял такси до аэропорта. […]...
35. A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. “Carmen,” she replied. “That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation, “Who named you, your mother?” “No, I named myself, she answered. “Oh, that’s interesting, why Carmen?” […]...
36. Seventy year old George went for his annual physical Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, “George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?” George replied, “God and me are tight. We […]...
37. Времена года/ The Seasons of the Year На английском языке Перевод на русский язык The Seasons of the Year Времена года My name is Ann, I’m thirteen years old. I like all the seasons of the year, because each of them is wonderful in its own way. I live with my grandmother in the village in summer. It’s very beautiful there in […]...
38. The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office. “You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.” “And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions,” […]...
39. Smart decision Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked […]...
40. A man was riding in the back of his limousine A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man. “I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, please come […]...