This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal

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1. A young married woman A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, “Do you talk to your husband when you’re making love?” She thought about it a minute then said, “Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now.”...
2. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
3. A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, “Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.” The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married twice…” The bride responds… […]...
4. Mary was having an affair during the day while Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!” Ralph looked […]...
5. A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. “What color?” they asked. He settled for white. “How much does it cost?” he asked. “Twenty dollars.” “Very good,” he thought. All that […]...
6. There was an old married couple that had happily There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she […]...
7. Перевод слова married Married – женатый, брачный Перевод слова Married man – женатый человек married name – фамилия по мужу married couple – супружеская пара So, how do you like Married life? Так, как тебе супружеская жизнь? She Married an Evans. Она вышла замуж за одного из Эвансов. I was Married to my job. Я был женат на […]...
8. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
9. One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on. She said “you don’t have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too […]...
10. A couple gets married, and thirty years later they’re A couple gets married, and thirty years later they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, “What’s the matter?” He says, “Thirty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it. Now it […]...
11. The newly married man came home from work The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. “Guess what I got planned for dinner?” she asked seductively. “And don’t you dare tell me you had it for lunch today.”...
12. Значение идиомы skin [skin] See: BY THE SKIN OF ONE’S TEETH, GET UNDER ONE’S SKIN, JUMPOUT OF ONE’S SKIN, KEEP ONE’S EYES PEELED or KEEP ONE’S EYES SKINNED, SAVE ONE’S NECK or SAVE ONE’S SKIN, WITH A WHOLE SKIN or IN A WHOLESKIN....
13. A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel. He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the […]...
14. A story with a morale A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.” Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.” Confused, […]...
15. Get married Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don’t […]...
16. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile […]...
17. Karam Chand, 110, believed to be longest-married dies The couple were married in 1925 and they have eight children and 27 grandchildren. A man who was one half of what is believed to be the longest-married couple in the UK has died aged 110. Karam Chand, of Bradford, died on Friday after 90 years of marriage to his wife Kartari. The pair, who […]...
18. A young couple got married, and in their family A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between […]...
19. A 70-year-old man has never been married A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The […]...
20. Having Doubts About Getting Married Charlotte: What are you doing in here? The entire Wedding party is looking for you. Chris: Yeah, I know. Charlotte: Well, what’s the matter? You’re not getting Cold feet, are you? Chris: That’s just it. I’m really having Doubts about getting married. What am I doing here? I think I’m about to make the biggest […]...
21. A woman reported the disappearance of her husband A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. “Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”...
22. Значение идиомы neck [neck] See: BREATHE DOWN ONE’S NECK, BREAK ONE’S NECK, CATCH IT INTHE NECK or GET IT IN THE NECK, PAIN IN THE NECK, SAVE ONE’S NECK, STICK ONE’S NECK OUT....
23. Alcohol vs Women A guy says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.” “Yeah what happened?” asked the other. The first guy replies, “Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.”...
24. A substitute for women A guy says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.” “Yeah what happened?” asked his friend. The first guy replies, “Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.”...
25. A game of golf A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. […]...
26. An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don’t have cute tits....
27. A man was walking down the street when he noticed A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here […]...
28. An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18 An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey”, said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No”, said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”...
29. Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little […]...
30. This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn’t know what to do. He’s fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says, “Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s’pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!” …So he got his bowling bowl […]...
31. A new statue for the bedroom A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to.” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s […]...
32. A man escapes from prison A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of […]...
33. In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I […]...
34. Перевод сленгового выражения yuck / yuk, значение и пример использования Сленговое выражение: yuck / yuk Перевод: выражение для обозначения сильного отвращения, презрения, неприязни, примерно соответствует русским выражениям “Фу!”, “Бе!” Пример: “What you just did was disgusting. Yuck!” То, что ты только что сделал, было отвратительно. Фу!...
35. Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked […]...
36. Значение идиомы out of the corner of one’s eye [out of the corner of one’s eye] {adv. phr.} Without looking at aperson or thing directly or openly; secretly; without being noticed. The cat looked at the mouse out of the corner of his eye. Mikewatched the boys across the street out of the corner of his eye as hemowed the lawn....
37. Значение идиомы get the eye [get the eye] {v. phr.}, {informal} 1. To be looked at, especiallywith interest and liking. The pretty girl got the eye as she walkedpast the boys on the street corner. 2. To be looked at or stared at, especially in a cold, unfriendly way. When Mary asked if she couldtake home the fur coat and […]...
38. Nothing changed On the eve of the couple’s tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. “You know honey,” she said, “I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married.” “Yeah?” the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. “I wish to […]...
39. Married life is very frustrating Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen....
40. Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night. Jake says, “Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted […]...