There were these three morticians talking about

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1. Watch out! A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is […]...
2. A young minister, in the first days of his first parish A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we […]...
3. Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god […]...
4. An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, “Operator, giff me beck the party!” She says, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.” He says, “What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.” She […]...
5. Перевод слова funeral Funeral – похороны Перевод слова To administer the funeral rites – отправлять похоронные обряды funeral honours – последние почести funeral march – похоронный марш His Funeral will be held on Friday. Его похороны состоятся в пятницу. The family are making arrangements for his Funeral. Семья занимается организацией его похорон. They want the Funeral to be […]...
6. Making Funeral and Burial Arrangements Reiko: When I die, I want a big Funeral. The more Mourners the better! Lucas: Not me. I’m just the opposite. I don’t want any kind of funeral or Wake. I just want to be Cremated and have my Ashes scattered. Reiko: What? You don’t want to be Buried in a beautiful Casket with a […]...
7. An old man and an old lady are getting An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: “Super Pussy!” The old man says: “I’ll have the soup.”...
8. Значение идиомы grin and bear it [grin and bear it] {v. phr.}, {informal} To be as cheerful aspossible in pain or trouble; do something without complaining. Thedoctor told Mrs. Howard that she had to stop eating sweets if shewanted to lose weight, and she tried to grin and bear it. If youmust have a tooth drilled, all you can do is […]...
9. Final wish In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) […]...
10. A little boy and his dad are standing in line A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, “hey dad, look how fat that lady is!” “Shhhh, quiet son, she’ll hear you.” “But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!” “Shhhhhh, don’t say that son, it’s not nice!” […]...
11. Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team. “It’s fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents.” Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, “I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on […]...
12. Three guys were sitting in a bar talking Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn’t like the […]...
13. Перевод слова corner Corner – угол Перевод слова In the corner of the room – в углу комнаты at the corner of the street – на углу улицы to turn the corner – завернуть за угол to cut off a corner – срезать угол, пойти напрямик We turned round the Corner. Мы свернули за угол. Once the dog […]...
14. A veterinarian surgeon A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, […]...
15. Значение идиомы hear the beat [hear the beat] or [see the beat] {v. phr.}, {dialect} To hear ofor to see someone or something better or surpassing. – Usually used innegative or interrogative sentences and often followed by “of”. Inever heard the beat! John swam all the way across the river. Did youever hear the beat of it? The juggler spun […]...
16. Giving Bad News and Condolences I was at the hospital at with my friend, Wendy. Her father was in an accident and she was waiting to talk to the doctor. Doctor: Hello, I’m Dr. Johnson. How are you holding up? Wendy: Oh, I’m fine. Is there any news? Doctor: Yes. I have examined your father’s Test results and I’m afraid […]...
17. Passing a parrot A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same […]...
18. Back in the good ole days in Texas Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing […]...
19. Let him dig An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out […]...
20. Asking About Business Hours Store owner: Hello. Karin: Hello, is this Joe’s Shoe Repair? Store owner: Yes, how can I help you? Karin: I’m calling to find out your Business hours. Store owner: We’re open 24/7. Karin: Really? You’re open 24 hours a day, Seven days a week? Store owner: Yes, we are, More often than not. Of course […]...
21. Перевод слова lady Lady – леди, женщина Перевод слова Great lady – знатная дама you’ve dropped your gloves, lady! – женщина, вы обронили перчатки! foxy lady – соблазнительная женщина your good lady – ваша супруга Shall we rejoin the Ladies? Не вернуться ли нам к дамам? She’s swell, a real Lady. Она одевается стильно, как настоящая леди. Don’t […]...
22. Значение идиомы rough-and-ready [rough-and-ready] {adj.} 1. Not finished in detail; not perfected;rough but ready for use now. We asked Mr. Brown how long it wouldtake to drive to Chicago and his rough-and-ready answer was two days. 2. Not having nice manners but full of energy and ability. Jim is arough-and-ready character; he’d rather fight than talk things over....
23. Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.” Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the […]...
24. Talking About Age Gabby: Another birthday! I’m going to stop celebrating. What’s there to celebrate – getting old and Decrepit? Cherif: Are you kidding me? We’re In the prime of our lives. Who’s decrepit? I’m not. Gabby: If I’m in my prime, then why do I feel so Middle age? Cherif: It’s a matter of Perspective. It’s true […]...
25. A small mixup A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES. The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the […]...
26. Making bets A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.” The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and […]...
27. Значение идиомы heart skip a beat [heart skip a beat] or [heart miss a beat] 1. The heart leaves outor seems to leave out a beat; the heart beats hard or leaps fromexcitement or strong feeling. – Often considered trite. When Paulsaw the bear standing in front of him, his heart skipped a beat. 2.To be startled or excited from surprise, […]...
28. Перевод слова beat Beat – удар, такт, ритм, биение Перевод слова To beat at the door – колотить в дверь off the beat – не в ритме to beat the chest – бить себя кулаком в грудь You can’t Beat the system. Против системы не попрешь. Beat the eggs, then add the milk. Яйца взбить, затем добавить молоко. […]...
29. A lusty camel A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he […]...
30. Talking About Television Shows Cleo: The new TV season is starting this week and I can’t wait. I’ve been watching Reruns all summer and I’m ready for the Premiers of my favorite shows. Victor: You watch Madwomen, right? Cleo: Yes, it’s my favorite show. Victor: Then I’ve got some bad news for you. It’s been Cancelled. Cleo: How is […]...
31. Sweet, Sweet Road Rage An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The […]...
32. A work of art A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. “What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?” He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.” […]...
33. Значение идиомы beat the bushes [beat the bushes] also [beat the brush] {v. phr.}, {informal} To try very hard to find or get something. The mayor was beating the bushes for funds to build the playground. Contrast: BEAT ABOUT THE BUSH or BEAT AROUND THE BUSH....
34. Значение идиомы beat to the punch [beat to the punch] or [beat to the draw] {v. phr.}, {slang} To do something before another person has a chance to do it. John was going to apply for the job, but Ted beat him to the draw. Lois bought the dress before Mary could beat her to the punch....
35. Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL! The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke…………….but her arms weren’t quite long enough....
36. Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, “Since you destroyed […]...
37. Значение идиомы beat it [beat it] {v.}, {slang} To go away in a hurry; get out quickly. When he heard the crash he beat it as fast as he could. – Often used as a command. The big boy said, “Beat it, kid. We don’t want you with us.” Compare: CLEAR OUT, LIGHT OUT, HEAD FOR THE HILLS....
38. A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.” The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. […]...
39. Значение идиомы out of the corner of one’s eye [out of the corner of one’s eye] {adv. phr.} Without looking at aperson or thing directly or openly; secretly; without being noticed. The cat looked at the mouse out of the corner of his eye. Mikewatched the boys across the street out of the corner of his eye as hemowed the lawn....
40. Значение идиомы beat down [beat down] {v.} 1. To crush or break the spirit of; win over; conquer. All their defenses were beaten down by the tanks. 2. {informal} a. To try to get reduced; force down by discussing. Can we beat down the price? B. To persuade or force to accept alower price or easier payments. He tried […]...