There were these three morticians talking about

Related topics:

1. Watch out!A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is ... Читать далее...
2. An Amazing Talking DogA man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, «I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.» Bartender: «Yeah! Sure…go ahead.» Man: «What covers a house?» Dog: «Roof!» Man: «How does sandpaper feel?» Dog: «Rough!» Man: «Who was the greatest ball player of all time?» Dog: «Ruth!» Man: ... Читать далее...
3. An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to CaliforniaAn old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, «Operator, giff me beck the party!» She says, «I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.» He says, «What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.» She ... Читать далее...
4. Making Funeral and Burial ArrangementsReiko: When I die, I want a big Funeral. The more Mourners the better! Lucas: Not me. I’m just the opposite. I don’t want any kind of funeral or Wake. I just want to be Cremated and have my Ashes scattered. Reiko: What? You don’t want to be Buried in a beautiful Casket with a ... Читать далее...
5. A young soldier was making his first parachute jumpA young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure «You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn’t open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there’ll be a truck waiting to pick you up.» The soldier checked his gear, called out ... Читать далее...
6. A young minister, in the first days of his first parishA young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, «I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we ... Читать далее...
7. Coach Bowden was talking to the newest playerCoach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team. «It’s fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents.» Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, «I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on ... Читать далее...
8. Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they wereThree guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and ... Читать далее...
9. Значение идиомы talking point[talking point] {n.} Something good about a person or thing thatcan be talked about in selling it. The streamlined shape of the carwas one of its talking points. John tried to get Mary to dateBill. One of his talking points was that Bill was captain of thefootball team....
10. Перевод идиомы Now you’re talking!, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: Now you’re talking! Идиома: Now you’re talking! разг. Перевод: Вот это уже другой разговор! Неплохая идея! Пример: «Would you like pizza for dinner?» «Now you’re talking!» Хочешь пиццы на ужин? — Еще как!...
11. Перевод слова funeralFuneral — похороны Перевод слова To administer the funeral rites — отправлять похоронные обряды funeral honours — последние почести funeral march — похоронный марш His Funeral will be held on Friday. Его похороны состоятся в пятницу. The family are making arrangements for his Funeral. Семья занимается организацией его похорон. They want the Funeral to be ... Читать далее...
12. The talking dogA man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. «This is a talking dog,» he said. «And you can have him for five dollars.» The neighbour said, «Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain’t no such animal.» Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. «Please ... Читать далее...
13. Перевод слова soldierSoldier — солдат, рядовой, военнослужащий Перевод слова The Unknown Soldier — неизвестный солдат a soldier defects — солдат дезертирует seasoned soldier — закаленный боец The Soldier had a weekend pass. Солдат получил увольнительную на выходные. That Soldier really lacked «solids». Тому солдату действительно не хватало твердости характера. He is framed to be a Soldier. Он ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова landLand — земля, суша, территория, почва; выгружать Перевод слова Land plants — наземные растения to visit distant lands — побывать в дальних странах stony land — каменистая почва to land troops in France — высадить войска во Франции His Land joins mine. Его земли граничат с моими. He forswore the Land. Он поклялся никогда больше ... Читать далее...
15. The wife is not speaking to meOne night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. «What’s the matter?» the bartender asks. «My wife and I got into a fight,» explained the guy «and now she isn’t talking to me for a ... Читать далее...
16. Two confirmed bachelors sat talkingTwo confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. «I got a cookbook once,» said the first, «but I could never do anything with it.» «Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?» asked the second. «You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way — ‘Take a clean dish ... Читать далее...
17. Two men were talking to each other about how pussy tastesTwo men were talking to each other about how pussy taste. The first guy said»I think it taste like cherry pie».The other guy said «I think it taste like shit».Then the first guy said «you are supposed to turn her over». $ $Sent by Don Chamberlin...
18. Two bikers were talking at a barTwo bikers were talking at a bar. «How’s married life?» asks the first. «It’s fine,» says the second. «How’s the sex?» asks the first. «Fine,» says the second, «At least I don’t have to wait in line!»...
19. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one askedDown in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, «Do you ever get to feeling horny?» «Yes,» her friend replied. «What do you do about it?» «I usually suck on a Lifesaver.» After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, «Well, what beach do you go to?»...
20. Two young girls were talking about their sex livesTwo young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, «Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep for a week.» «What happened.» Says her intrigued friend. «I didn’t know what I was going to ... Читать далее...
21. A blonde and a brunette were talking one dayA blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him «Head and Shoulders» and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, «How do you give shoulders?»...
22. An old rabbi is talking with one of his friendsAn old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, «I gladdened seven hearts today.» «Seven hearts?» asks the friend. «How did you do that?» The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, «I performed three marriages.» The friend looks at him quizically. «Seven?» he asks. «I could understand six, ... Читать далее...
23. There is this French couple, sitting up talking, whenThere is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son’s room and says «Son do you remember that session I arranged for you ... Читать далее...
24. Two zebras are talking and one asks the otherTwo zebras are talking and one asks the other, «Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?» The other replies, «Well I don’t know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.» So that night he did and God replied, «You are what you are.» The next day he said ... Читать далее...
25. Three mice are sitting in a bar talkingThree mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, «I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.» And with ... Читать далее...
26. A talking horseA travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. «Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over??5 million. I keep my ... Читать далее...
27. Mr. Jones had hired a new secretaryMr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, «Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.» He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was ... Читать далее...
28. Reading an ObituaryIvy: This is so sad! Stephan: What is? Ivy: I’m reading the Obituary for one of my favorite actors as a child, Mr. McBoo. He had Quite a life. Stephan: Oh, yeah? Ivy: Yeah, and this article has really Done him justice. It’s a nice Tribute to a man who Touched so many lives. It ... Читать далее...
29. A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitaryA dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat ... Читать далее...
30. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whalesA little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a ... Читать далее...
31. Three guys were sitting in a bar talkingThree guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; «You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn’t like the ... Читать далее...
32. New Year’s PartyI walked into the office and saw Rob with his Head down on his desk. I Tapped him on the shoulder. Christy: You look like you had a good New Year’s. Rob: Yeah, too good. I’m trying To catch up on sleep. Christy: Oh yeah? What did you do? Rob: I went to a New ... Читать далее...
33. A talking FrogA man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, «If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.» He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, «If you kiss me and turn me back ... Читать далее...
34. Перевод слова mineMine — шахта, рудник; добывать; мой, мое Перевод слова To develop a mine — обустраивать шахту to mine diamonds — добывать алмазы abandoned mine — заброшенная шахта it is mine — это мое He is a Mine of information. Он ходячая энциклопедия. This Mine is now laid in. Эта шахта законсервирована. She’s a new love ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы talking book[talking book] {n.} A book recorded by voice on phonograph recordsfor blind people. Billy, who was blind, learned history from atalking book....
36. Speak more preciselyTwo young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. «My sergeants are wonderful», said one soldier. «I wish I could say the same about mine,» said the other. «You could if you could lie as I do.» — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы step up[step up] {v.} 1. To go from a lower to a higher place. Johnstepped up onto the platform and began to speak. 2. To come towardsor near; approach. The sergeant called for volunteers and PrivateJones stepped up to volunteer. John waited until the teacher hadfinished speaking to Mary, and then he stepped up. 3. To ... Читать далее...
38. Talking About BooksMaggie: What did you think of the book you started last week? Kurt: Oh, I liked it Well enough. Maggie: Wow, that’s a Glowing recommendation. Kurt: Well, it Started off with a bang and the Suspense in the first half was great. I Couldn’t put it down. Then, the Pace changed in the second half ... Читать далее...
39. Giving Bad News and CondolencesI was at the hospital at with my friend, Wendy. Her father was in an accident and she was waiting to talk to the doctor. Doctor: Hello, I’m Dr. Johnson. How are you holding up? Wendy: Oh, I’m fine. Is there any news? Doctor: Yes. I have examined your father’s Test results and I’m afraid ... Читать далее...
40. Talking About AstronomyDad: What are you working on, Honey? Mariko: It’s a Project for school about the Earth and its place in the Universe. I have to write a Report and build a Model of what scientists can see with a Telescope in Space. Dad: I can help you with that. I was always good in science, ... Читать далее...