The Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas

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1. An inoffensive Chrismas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in […]...
2. Days after Christmas The first day after Christmas My true love and I had a fight And so I chopped the pear tree down And burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after Christmas I […]...
3. Revised Christmas days Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is […]...
4. 12 days of Christmas December 14, 1998 Dearest Dave, I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased darling! With truly the deepest love, Agnes December 15, 1998 Dearest Dave, Today the postman brought me yet another of your […]...
5. Politically Correct Santa ‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck… How to live in a world that’s politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”, “Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, […]...
6. Christmas downsizing Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced […]...
7. Politically correct seasons greetings POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for […]...
8. Twelve days fast food Twelve days of fast food On the first day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the second day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the third day of Christmas, my drive through gave […]...
9. Перевод слова twelve Twelve – двенадцать Перевод слова Twelve-eight time – двенадцать восьмых twelve parts – двенадцать частей at twelve o’clock – в двенадцать часов I have lunch at Twelve. У меня обед в двенадцать. Twelve is the double of six. Двенадцать в два раза больше шести. At Twelve he was a quiet boy. В двенадцать лет он […]...
10. Twelve days Microsoft Twelve days of Microsoft On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports […]...
11. Be politically correct How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men) – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – He does not […]...
12. Politically Correct Feminine Terminology From aperreat@saunix. sau. edu: Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you would offend the person standing near you?…NOT. Well, if you are, then here are some alternatives to some popular phrases. I found them on a poster, but I don’t remember which one. She is not: An airhead […]...
13. Christmas tree better Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman” A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb […]...
14. It’s Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look It’s Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands […]...
15. Значение идиомы neither fish nor fowl [neither fish nor fowl] also [neither fish, flesh, nor fowl]Something or someone that does not belong to a definite group or knownclass; a strange person or thing; someone or something odd or hard tounderstand. The man is neither fish nor fowl; he votes Democrat orRepublican according to which will do him the most good. Mrs. […]...
16. A Blonde A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. […]...
17. New weapon Chicken Gun Flash – New Weapon in America’s Arsenal – Dubbed ‘The Chicken Gun’ Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force “chicken gun.” It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per […]...
18. Значение идиомы lit up like a Christmas tree [lit up like a Christmas tree] {adj. phr.}, {informal} To be drunk. On New Year’s Eve Ned was lit up like a Christmas tree. Compare:THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND....
19. How to Hunt Elephants – Comp Sci Style Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West. 4. During each traverse a. Catch each animal seen b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c. Stop when a […]...
20. Rating Christmas parties If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you’ll be expected to throw another great party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of […]...
21. Becoming a Vegetarian/Vegan Ashley: I’m thinking of becoming a Vegetarian. I think it would be the Ethical thing to do. Paul: Are you going to eat eggs and Dairy? If you’re doing this for ethical reasons, you really should avoid anything made with Animal products or animal By-products. Ashley: I guess you’re right. Paul: Then you’re going to […]...
22. Microsoft Christmas NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of […]...
23. There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son’s room and says “Son do you remember that session I arranged for you […]...
24. Перевод слова paint Paint – краска, раскрашивать, рисовать красками Перевод слова To dissolve paint – растворять краску exterior paint – краска для наружных работ to paint a fresco – писать фреску Wet Paint! Осторожно, окрашено! I need more blue Paint. Мне нужно больше синей краски. This Paint covers well. Эта краска хорошо ложится. Примеры из жизни Слово Paint […]...
25. Christmas flavor Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas […]...
26. Перевод слова union Union – союз, объединение Перевод слова A gracious union of excellence and strength – привлекательное сочетание мастерства и силы customs union – таможенный союз union of sets – объединение множеств Soviet Union – Советский Союз They live in perfect Union. Они живут в полном согласии. Their Union was blessed with three children. Бог послал им […]...
27. Language Trends of the Future There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future. In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended “Eauuuuuuuuuuuu…” Meaning will […]...
28. Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa The holidays in my family are very Diverse. Our Custom is to celebrate Christmas every year as a Religious observance, complete with Advent wreathes and Midnight Mass. Most of my In-laws observe Christmas Purely as a Secular holiday, with the focus on Exchanging gifts, stockings, A Christmas tree, and other traditional customs. There is a […]...
29. The Importance Of Correct Punctuation The Importance Of “Correct Punctuation” Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I […]...
30. Confuse Santa Claus 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask […]...
31. Merry Christmas law Merry Christmas in Legal Terms Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or […]...
32. Christmas and Hanukkah Merger Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having […]...
33. Рождество в Украине/ Christmas In Ukraine На английском языке Перевод на русский язык Christmas In Ukraine Рождество в Украине Christmas is a beautiful winter holiday. In Ukraine they believe that how you celebrate Christmas, so you will spend the year. It is the most important religious holiday in the country along with Epiphany and Easter. According to the Orthodox Church, Christmas […]...
34. Рождество в США/ Christmas in the USA Рождество в США Christmas in the USA В каждой стране свои традиции и обычаи празднования Рождества. В англо-говорящих странах Рождество празднуется 25 декабря. Этому дню предшествуют длительные приготовления: каждое здание на улице оформляется в сказочном стиле, покупаются открытки и подарки для членов семьи и друзей, на центральных площадях городов возводят вечнозеленые ели, повсюду слышны рождественские […]...
35. Перевод слова note Note – заметка, записка; банкнта Перевод слова Critical notes – критические заметки short-hand notes – стенограмма notes on Tacitus – комментарии к Тациту a note of thanks – благодарственное письмо Did you read my Note? – Uh-huh. Ты читала мою записку? – Угу. Can you change a £20 Note? Вы можете разменять банкноту в 20 […]...
36. Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… “I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.” His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, […]...
37. Christmas Из топика Рождество вы узнаете о рождественских традициях Великобритании. Рождество – это христианский праздник, но в нем сочетаются и языческие, и христианские верования. Само слово “Рождество” произошло от “Christ’s mass” – “месса Христова” или церковное служение в честь Иисуса Христа. В Англии обязательно наряжают рождественскую елку, потому что в дохристианские времена, в Северной Европе, вечнозеленые […]...
38. Christmas in Great Britain – Рождество в Великобритании For most British families, this is the most important festival of the year. This is the day when many people are travelling home to be with their families on Christmas Day. If you try to catch a train on 24th December you may have difficulty in finding a seat. There are a lot of traditions […]...
39. French horn Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can’t march. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: What do […]...
40. One night, at the lodge of a hunting club One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire – place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.” […]...