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1. Chaim escapes from a mental hospitalChaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, «Are you Jewish?» The man says, «No.» Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, «You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?» The man replies, «No!» ... Читать далее...
2. An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to CaliforniaAn old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, «Operator, giff me beck the party!» She says, «I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.» He says, «What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.» She ... Читать далее...
3. At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guyAt 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. «It opens at noon,» answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even= drunker. «What time does the bar open?» he asks. «Same time as ... Читать далее...
4. There were 2 old-maid sisters, both virginsThere were 2 old-maid sisters… both virgins. It’s Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, «I’m not going to die a virgin… I’m going out and I’m not coming home ’til I’ve been laid!!» Betty says, «Well, make sure you’re home by 10 so I don’t worry about you.» 10 o’clock rolls around ... Читать далее...
5. A door-to-door vacuum salesman goesA door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, «Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders ... Читать далее...
6. Buying your ticketThree engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. «How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?» asks an accountant. «Watch and you’ll see,» answers an engineer. They all ... Читать далее...
7. Wanting Peace and QuietAfter three days of travel and meetings, I returned to my hotel room ready for some Downtime. All I wanted was some Peace and quiet so I could get a Good night’s sleep. … [phone rings] Carl: Hello. Hotel staff: Hello, Mr. Mendez. I’m calling to welcome you to our hotel. I hope you’re finding ... Читать далее...
8. Six guys were playing poker when Smith losesSix guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, «Now, who is going to tell the wife?» They draw straws. Rippington, who ... Читать далее...
9. Перевод слова operatorOperator — оператор Перевод слова Crane operator — оператор подъемного крана, крановщик ham operator — радиолюбитель, оператор любительской радиостанции tour operator — тур-оператор The Operator put my call right through. Телефонистка сразу же соединила меня. Reagan was a shrewd political Operator. Рейган был искусным политиком. Operator, please connect me with extension 123. Оператор, пожалуйста, соедините ... Читать далее...
10. A Jewish lady named Mrs. RosenbergA Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort — one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, «Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.» The Jewish lady said, «But your sign says that you have vacancies.» ... Читать далее...
11. My friend is dead!Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ... Читать далее...
12. This is one smart dogA butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. «An’ wot’s this then?» he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins. «You dumb dog.» As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices ... Читать далее...
13. Making an Emergency Medical CallOperator: Emergency operator. State your emergency. Dirk: We need an Ambulance right away. Operator: What is your name? Dirk: Dirk. Dirk Omora. Operator: Can you tell me what happened? Dirk: There was a Car accident. Operator: Where are you? Dirk: I’m not sure. I was driving in my car when I saw the Pileup. I’m ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова accentAccent — акцент, произношение, ударение Перевод слова Foreign accent — иностранный акцент to accent equilibrium — смещать равновесие to get rid of an accent — избавляться от акцента She has a foreign Accent. У нее иностранный акцент. There is often a strong Accent on material success. Очень часто упор делается на успехи в материальной сфере. ... Читать далее...
15. A wild partySam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace ... Читать далее...
16. A man is walking past this house when a used condomA man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock ... Читать далее...
17. On their first night to be togetherOn their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, «my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.» The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. ... Читать далее...
18. The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignmentThe CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, «We need to know that ... Читать далее...
19. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness and an atheist?What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever. If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?...
20. Rabbi’s anniversary presentA Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there’s a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, «Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the president of the ... Читать далее...
21. Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. «Where do you live?» asked the operator. Bubba replied, «At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.» The operator asked, «Can you spell that for me?» There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, «How ... Читать далее...
22. Democrats on the front porchThis little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, «Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.» «What?» the operator exclaimed. «I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; ... Читать далее...
23. Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotelBerkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. «Bartender,» he says, «give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.» When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he’s at her ... Читать далее...
24. A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-weekA guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says «OK,» and goes to the pharmacy to buy ... Читать далее...
25. A pushA man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. «I’m not getting out of bed at this time,» he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. «Aren’t you going to ... Читать далее...
26. A theological debateSeveral centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the ... Читать далее...
27. Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tellsLittle Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. «Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,» she asks, «will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?» Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says «No, I don’t think ... Читать далее...
28. Persistency ActA guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a ... Читать далее...
29. As the end of the day drew nearAs the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. «Do you know what time we quit around here?» he asked. «Sure!» the girl nervously giggled. «Whenever somebody knocks on the door.»...
30. Time to quitAs the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. «Do you know what time we quit around here?» he asked. «Sure!» the girl nervously giggled. «Whenever somebody knocks on the door.»...
31. A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really badA man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says «I have some bad news. You have HAGS.» «What is HAGS» the man asks. «It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis» says the doctor. «Oh my God» says the man. «What are you ... Читать далее...
32. Jewish flyA man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in ... Читать далее...
33. The Lesson of EnglishAs you know, our group has two English lessons a week: on Tuesday and Friday. When the teacher comes and opens the door, we come in and sit down. Then we open our bags and take our exercise-books and Bonk’s text-books. And soon the lesson begins… We usually start it by pronouncing different words and ... Читать далее...
34. My English lessonAs you know, our group has two English lessons a week: on Tuesday and Friday. When the teacher comes and opens the door, we come in and sit down. Then we open our bags and take our exercise-books and Bonk’s text-books. And soon the lesson begins… We usually start it by pronouncing different words and ... Читать далее...
35. A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a partyA whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting. «Why not?» said I. «Let her marry a Gentile boy. I’m all ... Читать далее...
36. Why lawyers should never ask a witness a questionWhy lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, «Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?» She responded, «Why, yes I do know ... Читать далее...
37. A woman and her lover are on the bedA woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman’s home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. «Oh, no, it’s my husband!» The man says, «Where’s your back door?» «We don’t have a back door» says the woman. The man then asks, «Well, where do you ... Читать далее...
38. You’re not going to believe this!A woman got a problem with her closet door — it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. «OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close ... Читать далее...
39. The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driverThe hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, «Free bus to the hotel Astor!» On the way to the station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, «Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free ... Читать далее...
40. Значение идиомы open the door[open the door] {v. phr.} To allow more action or discussion; givea chance. Learning to read and write opens the door to a better joband better living conditions. Raising the tax rates will open thedoor to more help for older people. Contrast: CLOSE THE DOOR. Compare: OPEN ITS DOORS....