Texan with a new car

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1. A group of cowboys were branding some cattleA group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, «Did I screw up the ... Читать далее...
2. Learn it by listeningTwo cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, «You see that Indian?» «Yeah,» says the other cowboy. «Look,» says the first one, «he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.» Just ... Читать далее...
3. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfireThree cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, «I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men ... Читать далее...
4. Where are you fromThe cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, «Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.» The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. «Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going ... Читать далее...
5. Nothing changedOn the eve of the couple’s tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. «You know honey,» she said, «I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married.» «Yeah?» the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. «I wish to ... Читать далее...
6. Get some of thisTwo cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get’s her head stuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the other: «This is too good to pass up,» gets off his ... Читать далее...
7. Two Texan are sitting in a small town barTwo Texan are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: «You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister.» «Well,» his buddy replied, «between you and me we got ’em all.»...
8. England JokesQ: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
9. Many moonsThere was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, «How long have you been down there?» The Indian replied, «Many moons.»...
10. Back in the turn of the century in a mining townBack in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realised that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to ... Читать далее...
11. A cowboy walked into a barber shopA cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, «I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.» The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, ... Читать далее...
12. Capitalist and Socialist HellA young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, «What ... Читать далее...
13. Ventriliquist cowboy walks into townVentriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch. Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going? Dog: Doin alright. Indian: [extreme look of shock] Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian] Dog: Yep Cowboy: How’s he treat you? ... Читать далее...
14. A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring forA guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, «I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.» «She did,» he replied. «But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?»...
15. Reading timeA Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks «what are you doing?» Indian says» Me tellum time.» Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says «You telling time?» yup» «how can you tell time like that?» Indian says «workum like ... Читать далее...
16. Sweet, Sweet Road RageAn elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, «I was going to park there!» The ... Читать далее...
17. A novel ideaA guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. Ray listened patiently. «That’s amazing. Where I come from there’s really only one.» «Oh,» sniffed the Romeo, «just one? And which way is that?» «Well, there’s a man and there’s a woman. . ... Читать далее...
18. Значение идиомы hell[hell] See: COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, GO THROUGH HELL AND HIGHWATER, HELL-ON-WHEELS, LIKE HELL, TO HELL WITH, UNTIL HELL FREEZESOVER, WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER....
19. A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late oneA cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog’s fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That ... Читать далее...
20. Значение идиомы boot hill[boot hill] {n.} A cemetery in the old Wild West where cowboys and cops and robbers used to be buried with their boots on. Hence, jokingly, any cemetery. Good old Joe, the cowboy, is resting comfortably in the nearby boot hill....
21. Texan’s guide to lifeNever squat with yer spurs on. There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. Never ... Читать далее...
22. Перевод слова smartSmart — сообразительный, толковый; сильный, значительный Перевод слова A smart few — довольно большое число smart punishment — суровое наказание smart person — умный человек You’re looking very Smart. Вы выглядите очень умным. She was Smart to refuse. У нее хватило ума отказать. Poodles are said to be Smart dogs. Как говорят, пудели — умные ... Читать далее...
23. Is that your horseThe Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, «Who owns the big white horse outside?» The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, «I do. Why?» The cowboy looked at the ... Читать далее...
24. Значение идиомы leave hanging[leave hanging] or [leave hanging in the air] {v. phr.} To leaveundecided or unsettled. Because the committee could not decide on atime and place, the matter of the spring dance was left hanging. Ted’s mother didn’t know what to do about the broken window, so hispunishment was left hanging in the air until his father ... Читать далее...
25. Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranchCowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. «When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,» Joe began. «You mean the parking lot,» interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. «I walked up the trail to the door,» Joe ... Читать далее...
26. Перевод слова hellHell — ад, преисподня; черт (ругательство) Перевод слова To make smb.’s life a hell — превратить чью-л. жизнь в ад to suffer through hell — переносить муки ада oh hell! — черт возьми! hell of a way — чертовски далеко Who the Hell are you? Кто ты такой, черт побери? To Hell with the flaming ... Читать далее...
27. Значение идиомы a hell of[a hell of] a [or one hell of a] {adj. or adv. phr.}, {informal} Extraordinary; very. He made a hell of a shot during the basketball game. Max said seven months was a hell of a time to have to wait for a simple visa. The fall Max took left one hell of a bruise ... Читать далее...
28. One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decidedOne day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience. On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each ... Читать далее...
29. Brain or muscles?The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. «Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,» he said. ... Читать далее...
30. If she went out with meA man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his ... Читать далее...
31. A state-of-the-art watchA cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, «Is your date running late?» «No», he replies,»I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just ... Читать далее...
32. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
33. Gates gets punishmentBill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, «Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every ... Читать далее...
34. Значение идиомы cowboy[cowboy] {n.}, {slang}, {informal} A person who drives his car carelessly and at too great a speed in order to show off his courage. Joe’s going to be arrested some day — he is a cowboy on the highway....
35. Nature of HellA thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.» Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when ... Читать далее...
36. The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermonThe minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone ... Читать далее...
37. A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an AustralianA Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, «You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don’t even have a freezer! The Scotsman ... Читать далее...
38. Fidel dies and goes to heavenFidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself ... Читать далее...
39. An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing homeAn old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. «It did? I’m sorry to hear that,» she replied. Two days later, Mr. ... Читать далее...
40. Значение идиомы sign on[sign on] {v. phr.} 1. To sign an agreement to become an employee. The new cowboys signed on with the wealthy rancher in Nevada. 2.To start a radio or television broadcast. Station WLAK signs onevery morning at 6 A. M. Contrast: SIGN OFF....