Stolen Car

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1. Edward walks out of a bar Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. “Can I help you, fella?”, asks the cop. “Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!” Edward replies. The cop asks, “Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?”. “It […]...
2. You can’t bring that dog in this bar A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on […]...
3. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s […]...
4. Some very common traits in two drunks A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s […]...
5. Tommy goes into a confessional box and says Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says “Yes father, it’s me.” The Priest says “Who was the woman you were with?” Tommy says “I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t […]...
6. A circumcision Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school. Danny says “I won’t be going to school tomorrow.” “Why not?” asks Joey. “I have to go to the hospital,” says Danny woefully. “That’s awful,” says Joey. “Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?” Danny shakes his head and […]...
7. A guy in a bar The bartender asks him “What’ll you have?”. The guy answers, “A scotch, please”. The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars”, to which he replies “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this”. A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You […]...
8. I don’t owe anything for this drink The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, […]...
9. Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I […]...
10. A drunken blonde goes into a bar A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender then asks, “Anheuser-Busch?” To which she replies, “Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?”...
11. Little girl walks into the bathroom A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks “What’s that?” Her sister replies “That is my possum, sis!” The young girl replies “Oh, OK” The next day she sees her mother get out of the […]...
12. Пословица / поговорка lock the barn door after the horse is stolen / shut the stable door when the steed is stolen – перевод и значение, пример использования Пословица / поговорка: lock the barn door after the horse is stolen / shut the stable door when the steed is stolen Перевод: запереть конюшню после того, как лошадь украли (т. е. принимать меры предосторожности слишком поздно) Эквивалент в русском языке: задним умом крепок Пример: The stadium managers tried to stop people from entering the […]...
13. Перевод слова aware Aware – знающий, осведомленный, сведующий Перевод слова We became aware (of) – нам стало известно (что) he is politically aware – он политически грамотен make aware of – осознавать I am fully Aware of your problems. Я осведомлен о ваших проблемах. He is Aware of danger. Он отдает себе отчет о грозящей опасности. They were […]...
14. Перевод слова missing Missing – отсутствующий, недостающий Перевод слова Missing link – недостающее звено missing person – без вести пропавший missing data – недостающие данные to declare missing – объявить безвестно отсутствующим There is a page Missing. Здесь недостает страницы. A button was Missing from his shirt. На его рубашке не хватало одной пуговицы. She’s upset about Missing […]...
15. A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. “What’s your name?” she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers “My name’s Huey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.” She goes up to the second dog and asks “What’s your name?” The […]...
16. A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, “how much?” she replies, “$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up.” He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, “it’s my hairdresser’s fee!”...
17. Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he’d done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he’d missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test. First […]...
18. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, “Mummy, what is that long thing?” His mother replies, “That, son, […]...
19. Hillary goes to heaven Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.” So Hillary sits down […]...
20. While enjoying a drink with a mate one night While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into […]...
21. The little boy comes home from school and asks mom The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, “Where do babies come from?” Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, “From the stork of course!” The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, “But mom, who fucks the stork?”...
22. This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.” “Hans Olaffsen?”, he thinks. “How in the world does that fit in here?” So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, “How in the world did this place […]...
23. I own the fastest car A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on […]...
24. Anti-pirating ad music stolen You wouldn’t steal a movie, so why would you put stolen music on an anti-piracy ad? Dr Karl investigates a curious case of copyright theft. If you have bought or rented a movie on a DVD sometime in the last few years, you would have had to sit through the compulsory anti-piracy video at the […]...
25. A young punk gets on the cross-town bus A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multicoloured hair that’s green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits […]...
26. A kind of sport A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?” He replies, “Touchdown, I am […]...
27. A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.” The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year […]...
28. Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, “Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.” “What happened?” asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, “My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went […]...
29. At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, “Will we have to fight a World War Three?” “Yes, comrades, looks like […]...
30. Two mates are having a chat over a beer Two mates are having a chat over a beer. “Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?” one bloke asks his friend. “No way!” his mate replies. “Well,” says the first bloke, “do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?” “Fuck no!” his mate replies. “Well,” says the first bloke, […]...
31. A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: “You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that […]...
32. A department store A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. The guy asks several more times: […]...
33. Try to explain women A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. “Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”. “OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?” GOD says, “So you would like them.” “OK,” the guy says. “But how come you […]...
34. A rather novel way to A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. “So what’s going on here?” he asks. The bikie replies “My mate here has […]...
35. Chaim escapes from a mental hospital Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, “Are you Jewish?” The man says, “No.” Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, “You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?” The man replies, “No!” […]...
36. A perfect choice A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn’t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t […]...
37. A clear moral One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, “Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive […]...
38. Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, “Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.” “What did it say on the banners?” Clinton asks. Saddam replies, “Allah is god, god is Allah.” Clinton says, “You know, Saddam, I […]...
39. While attending a spelling session in school one day While attending a spelling session in school one day, The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB? Darla raises her hand and says “I can, I can” The teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla…” Darla replies…”D-U-M-B” The teacher replies, “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?” Darla replies, “Sure, […]...
40. Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the barman Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi’s and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks […]...