Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went

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1. The local priest came across Paddy who hadThe local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. «Paddy,» he said, » I’m afraid I’ll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.» «Really, Father?» slurred Paddy. «What have you done?»...
2. It’s Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go lookIt’s Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands ... Читать далее...
3. Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holidayPaddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia. His mate asked him what it was like. «Australia’s a great place!» Paddy replied. «First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can’t stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you ... Читать далее...
4. A woman walks into her accountant’s office andA woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, «Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.» He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, «What is your occupation?» The woman replies, «I’m a whore.» The accountant balks ... Читать далее...
5. Paddy was picked up on a rape chargePaddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed «That’s her! That’s her! I’d recognize her anywhere!»...
6. Значение идиомы paddy wagon[paddy wagon] {n.}, {informal} A police van used for transportingprisoners to jail or the police station. The police threw thedemonstrators into the paddy wagon....
7. A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlementA nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, «I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?» The accountant replies, «Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess ... Читать далее...
8. Accountant in HeavenAn accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, «I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a ... Читать далее...
9. Irishman declares warSaddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says «Hello». The voice at the end of the phone says «Hello Mr. Hussein, it’s Paddy here. I’m just ringing to let you know that we’ve declared war on your country.» SH smiles to himself, «Come on Paddy», he says, ... Читать далее...
10. A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wifeA 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the ... Читать далее...
11. A strange jigsaw puzzlePaddy gets a phone call from Murphy. «Paddy,» says Murphy, «I’ve got a problem.» «What’s the matter?» replies Paddy «Oi’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.» «What’s the picture of?» asks Paddy «It’s of a big cockerel,» Murphy replies. Paddy says, «Alroight, ... Читать далее...
12. Jokes about St. Patrick’s DayTwo Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy «Jez, that look like Sean» to which Paddy replied «No Sean was taller than that» It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride ... Читать далее...
13. Humor about St. Patrick’s DayPaddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Seamus?» Paddy asked. «Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Seamus. «Ah, praise the Almighty!» Paddy replied with relief. «I thought I’d ... Читать далее...
14. An accountant is having a hard time sleepingAn accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. «Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.» «Have you tried counting sheep?» «That’s the problem — I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.»...
15. 4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michels on WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun ... Читать далее...
16. Accountant and farmerA man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, «I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock». The shepherd thinks it over. It’s a big ... Читать далее...
17. Trapped within a bogPaddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by. «Help!» Paddy shouted, «Oi’m sinkin’!» Don’t worry,» assured Mick. «Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.» Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy’s hand and pulled and pulled ... Читать далее...
18. After a couple of years a couple wanted to have childrenAfter a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. «Don’t worry,» he said, «Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.» So he went home feeling ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод идиомы know when one is not wanted, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: know when one is not wanted Перевод: понимать, чувствовать, когда кому-либо не рады Пример: I know when I am not wanted so I decided not to go to the restaurant. Я знаю, когда мне не рады, поэтому я решил не идти в ресторан....
20. Death row sing alongThere was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they ... Читать далее...
21. An ancient IrishmanThree Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. «Come have a look over here,» says Paddy, «it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.» «That’s nothing», says ... Читать далее...
22. One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golfOne Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf. But he couldn’t, since it was Sunday. But he figured, well, it’s ok if i just play a little bit. So he changed clothes and went out into the green. Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it to Jesus. However, Jesus didn’t do ... Читать далее...
23. Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a specialSaddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious. He called the chief ... Читать далее...
24. Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want adFresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. «I need someone with an accounting degree,» the man said. «But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying ... Читать далее...
25. Three couples wanted to join a churchThree couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.» The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the ... Читать далее...
26. Humor about Irish Pubs(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. «Jazus Mick…Well have to turn ... Читать далее...
27. Перевод слова beerBeer — пиво Перевод слова Ginger beer — имбирное пиво to brew beer — варить пиво beer bust — пивное сборище I’d like a Beer now! Мне бы пива сейчас! He drank a jar of Beer. Он выпил банку пива. I’ll have a Beer, please. Мне пива, пожалуйста....
28. The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying toThe LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ... Читать далее...
29. Try to catch the rabbitThe Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants ... Читать далее...
30. Tupac Shakur’s Godmother Added to FBI Most-Wanted Terrorists ListJoanne Chesimard aka Assata Shakur, Tupac Shakur. Joanne Chesimard, a. k. a. Assata Shakur, was convicted of murder in 1977. Tupac Shakur’s godmother has been placed on the FBI’s Most-Wanted Terrorists list, becoming the first woman added to the list and only the second domestic terrorist. Joanne Chesimard, now known as Assata Shakur, was convicted ... Читать далее...
31. ‘Chewy 123’: FBI’s most-wanted cybercriminal used cat’s name as passwordOnce the FBI’s most-wanted cybercriminal, Jeremy Hammond is serving one of the longest sentences a US hacker has received — 10 years, the maximum allowed under his plea agreement. But to this day, he’s unsure how agents cracked his Mac’s encryption. Perhaps it was the fact his password was his cat’s name and the numbers ... Читать далее...
32. Hiring an accountantKowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, «What is three times seven?» «Twenty-two,» Kowalski replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to ... Читать далее...
33. Charlie Sheen Once Bought 2,600+ Outfield Seats At An Angels’ Game Because He Wanted To Catch A Home Run BallCharlie Sheen has been making a bit of news this week with outlandish comments on TV and radio appearances, but his bizarre behavior is nothing new. In 1996, Sports Illustrated included a blurb in its «Scorecard» section that described Sheen’s trip to a California Angels game. Apparently, Sheen was determined to catch a home run ... Читать далее...
34. Laboratory Rabbit FreedomLaboratory Rabbit Freedom A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы pass muster[pass muster] {v. phr.}, {informal} To pass a test or check-up; begood enough. After a practice period, Sam found that he was able topass muster as a lathe operator. His work was done carefully, soit always passed muster. Compare: MEASURE UP....
36. Who keeps saying those thingsA man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively «You’ve got great hair!» The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard ... Читать далее...
37. An affair with the horsePaddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: «I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.» His second friend says: «I think my wife is having an affair with ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод слова testTest — тест, испытание, проверка Перевод слова Nuclear tests — ядерные испытания strength test — испытание на прочность test in arithmetic — контрольная работа по арифметике a severe test of character — серьезное испытание характера He was put to Test. Его подвергли испытанию. How difficult was the Test? Насколько сложным был тест? He tubed every ... Читать далее...
39. If she went out with meA man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his ... Читать далее...
40. When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breastsIn high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I ... Читать далее...