Now he’s in trouble

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1. They are stopped by the policeJohn & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, «I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.» Just ... Читать далее...
2. Deaf lady in troubleOne day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his ... Читать далее...
3. Dealing with troubleA deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The «disturbance» turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, «I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than ... Читать далее...
4. Arguing about the signA man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks ... Читать далее...
5. Getting a Traffic TicketI was driving down the street when I saw a Police car behind me. Suddenly, it turned on its Siren. I realized that I was Being pulled over. Officer: Can I see your Driver’s license, Registration, and Proof of insurance? Ray: Sure. Here you are, officer. Officer: Did you know that you were Speeding? You ... Читать далее...
6. A state trooper pulled a car overA state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. «I was only going 40!» the driver protested. «Not according to my radar,» the trooper said. «Yes, I was!» the man shouted back. «No you weren’t!» the trooper said. With that, the ... Читать далее...
7. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a barAn Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, «I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a ... Читать далее...
8. There was a man and woman traveling along in their carThere was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says «Did you know you were speeding back there.» The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband «What did he say, what did ... Читать далее...
9. The new metro cop pulled a speeder who wasThe new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. «Can I see your license and registration, bub?», the cop inquired. «But officer,» the fellow started, «I can explain…» «Shut yer trap, bub!» snapped the officer. «You’re going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back.» «But, officer, I think ... Читать далее...
10. A policeman was patrolling near midnightA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He ... Читать далее...
11. Cop wants an excuseA man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks «I can outrun this guy,» so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — ... Читать далее...
12. He’s drunk at the barOne night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his ... Читать далее...
13. Obey the speed limitSitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see’s a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, «This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!»So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are ... Читать далее...
14. Blonde on blondeA blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. «What does it look like?» she finally ... Читать далее...
15. There was a drunk man walking down the street turningThere was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, «Sir, what are you doing?» The drunk replied, «I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.» The police officer ... Читать далее...
16. The answer to the eternal questionA man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when ... Читать далее...
17. Charged for speedingA man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away ... Читать далее...
18. Handling a Traffic StopI was having a great day until I saw the police car behind me with its loud Siren and lights Flashing. I Pulled off the road and waited for the officer to approach my car. Officer: May I see your Driver’s license, proof of insurance, and Car registration, please? Lindsay: Let me get them out ... Читать далее...
19. Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. «Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?» «I was a policeman,» he responded. «What kind of policeman?» St Peter asked. «I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.» «Wonderful my son, ... Читать далее...
20. Slight confusionOne night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A. M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,»Honey, can you go over ... Читать далее...
21. Swerve to avoid a boxDriving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain ... Читать далее...
22. There was an old married couple that had happilyThere was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she ... Читать далее...
23. Getting MuggedVanessa: Stop thief! Police Officer: What happened? Vanessa: I just got Mugged. That guy stole my Purse, Jewelry, camera – all of my Valuables! Police Officer: Were you wearing Flashy jewelry and carrying an expensive camera? Those are big Enticements for muggers. Vanessa: I didn’t have anything on that was flashy and I was Minding ... Читать далее...
24. Save the dead rabbitA man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side ... Читать далее...
25. Hair sprayA man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side ... Читать далее...
26. Trouble with the carWIFE: «There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.» HUSBAND: «Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.» WIFE: «I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.» HUSBAND: «You don’t even know what a carburettor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?» WIFE: «In the pool.»...
27. The hit-and-runThe hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. «My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!» the shaken man told the cop. «The car hit you from behind,» the officer said. «How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?» «I recognized the laugh!» he replied....
28. A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and outA policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. «I can’t do that, officer.» «Why not?» «Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.» «Okay, we’ll just get a ... Читать далее...
29. Touring WashingtonA blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, «Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?» The officer replied, «Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. ... Читать далее...
30. Being Arrested by the PoliceI was walking down the street Minding my own business one evening when I was stopped by a Police officer. After asking me a couple of questions about where I’d been, he told me to put my hands behind my back. He was going To arrest me! He Handcuffed me and gave me the Miranda ... Читать далее...
31. Lawyers are greedyA lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. «Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!», he whined. «You lawyers are so ... Читать далее...
32. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-upAn old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, «So how has life been treating you?» The old man replies,»The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when ... Читать далее...
33. A materialistA yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. «Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!», he whined. «You yuppies are so ... Читать далее...
34. The reason for runningA police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, «It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give ... Читать далее...
35. Marriage quotes 04A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry Ah Mozart! He was happily married — but his wife wasn’t. — Borge Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy. An archaeologist ... Читать далее...
36. A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain roadA man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, «Pig!» The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, «Bitch!» They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод слова officerOfficer — офицер, чиновник, должностное лицо Перевод слова Assistant officer — помощник должностного лица customs officer — таможенный чиновник non-combatant officer — офицер запаса flying control officer — диспетчер полетов The police Officer was directing traffic. Полицейский регулировал движение транспорта. No Officer was touched. Ни один офицер не был ранен. He is an Officer of ... Читать далее...
38. A couple came upon a wishing wellA couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, «It really works!»...
39. Don’t say this to a copThe top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 18. Aren’t you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 ... Читать далее...
40. A blonde walks into the police department looking for a jobA blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think ... Читать далее...