More neighborhood jokes

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1. Neighborhood jokes 1) Got a neighbor that’s a real pain in the ass? Do they have a lawn? Do they have a garden that’s accessible? Yes to all the above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them water their lawn! Nuff […]...
2. Jokes about St. Patrick’s Day Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that” It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride […]...
3. Georgia Jokes Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Georgia Jokes Q: Why does a Georgia […]...
4. Santas Diversion Santas Diversion Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying “Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.” Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to […]...
5. Перевод слова lawn Lawn – газон, площадка с травяным покрытием Перевод слова Croquet lawn – площадка для игры в крокет tennis lawn – корт для тенниса на траве lawn mower – газонокосилка We need to water the Lawn. Нам нужно поливать газон. We hired her to mow our Lawn. Мы наняли ее косить газон. May I borrow your […]...
6. Sweet, Sweet Road Rage An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The […]...
7. Yet another dorm joke Here’s one that my roommate and myself did to a residence buddy. One morning (early) we taped together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover the victims doorframe. Then taped this big sheet over the doorframe which left a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door. Then we […]...
8. Sharing an Apartment I’ve shared a two-bedroom, two-Bath apartment with my Roommate for two years. He was moving to Austin and I Posted a “Roommate wanted” Ad in the local newspaper. I got a few calls, a couple from some very Weird people. Finally, I got a call from Andrew. He seemed normal On the phone and we […]...
9. These two guys are car pooling home from work one day These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn. “Look”, he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?” The […]...
10. An Unwelcome Business in the Neighborhood Patricia: Finally! That empty building has a new Tenant. That’s great for the neighborhood. Francois: Think again. The new tenant plans to open a Strip club. Patricia: A strip club in the middle of a Residential neighborhood?! That must be a Violation of city Ordinances. The city won’t allow that. Francois: I’m not so sure. […]...
11. Selecting a Neighborhood to Live In Leona: I want to live close to Downtown. We can get everywhere On foot and walk to most Amenities. Jeremy: Downtown is always Bustling and noisy, and the Crime rate is really high. I’d rather have Proximity to parks and Open spaces. Leona: If we lived downtown, we wouldn’t have to worry about Commute time […]...
12. Значение идиомы throw together [throw together] {v.} 1. also [slap together] To make in a hurryand without care. Bill and Bob threw together a cabin out of oldlumber. The party was planned suddenly, and Mary threw together ameal out of leftovers. 2. To put in with other people by chance. The group of strangers was thrown together when the […]...
13. Finding a Parking Space Alan: We have to find a Parking space. Let’s drive around the Block one more time. Did you say that the restaurant we’re going to has no Off-street parking at all? Sasha: None. When I called the restaurant earlier today, I was told they have Ample street parking. Alan: Obviously not on a Saturday night. […]...
14. Amusing Jokes about the Irish Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a […]...
15. Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor, “Ray, may I borrow your axe?” “Not today,” Ray replied, “I have to make soup.” “What kind of excuse it that?!” demanded Joe. “Well,” confessed Ray, “I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don’t want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good […]...
16. Jokes about Dumb Irishmen The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. […]...
17. Chicago Jokes A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary […]...
18. Irish Pub Jokes Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, “Where are we now?” The guide said, “We’re in the great state of Texas.” “It’s a big place,” said Murphy. The […]...
19. In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?” “Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you […]...
20. Holiday Decorating Now that the holidays are here, it’s time To decorate the house. Every year, we always Go all out. We buy a Christmas tree and the kids decorate it with Ornaments that we’ve bought and made over the years, and with silver and gold Tinsel. We also hang a Wreath on our front door and […]...
21. Значение идиомы chicken switch [chicken switch] {n.}, {slang}, {Space English} 1. The emergency eject button used by test pilots in fast and high flying aircraft by means of which they can parachute to safety if the engine fails; later adopted by astronauts in space capsules. Don’t pull the chicken switch, unless absolutely necessary. 2. The panic button; a panicky […]...
22. Jokes about the Stupid Irish A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”. The man says “Sorry – we’re right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and […]...
23. Florida Jokes Dumb Florida Laws Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just […]...
24. An Unwanted House Guest About a month ago, my friend Richard called me and asked if he could come Stay with me for a couple of weeks. I usually don’t like having House guests, but Richard was a good friend. He’s an artist and he was thinking about moving to L. A. He wanted to see if he could […]...
25. New York Jokes New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney… – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...
26. Jokes about the Fighting Irish Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?” It was general question time on the “Top […]...
27. Jokes of science 01 At the physics exam: ‘Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.’ Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games? A: The ‘wave’. The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator. A student recognizes […]...
28. Some practical jokes Smaller or larger tuxedo A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either […]...
29. How to write a paper 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back […]...
30. California Jokes California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dumb California Laws Sunshine […]...
31. Students miss a final Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms – so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final […]...
32. Virginia Jokes Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix? – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Virginia: Please don’t confuse us […]...
33. Russia Jokes What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...
34. How the creators of Airplane! pulled off one of the funniest jokes we’ve ever heard Holy hell! This is one of the funniest stories we’ve heard in a long time. Ask yourself, “how far are you willing to go for a joke?” Once you’ve determined that, realize that David Zucker is willing to take it even further. First some background. David Zucker and his brother Jerry Zucker are part of […]...
35. Washington Jokes Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Washington: We like our state, so stay […]...
36. Значение идиомы dash light [dash light] {n.} A light on the front inside of a car or vehicle. Henry stopped the car and turned on the dash lights to read the road map....
37. Picking a Fight I was sitting at my local bar waiting for my friends to arrive to watch the game. Two guys sitting a few seats away kept giving me strange looks, and one of them said, “What are you looking at?” I looked around to make sure that he was speaking to me, and before I could […]...
38. Перевод слова situation Situation – обстановка, ситуация, положение Перевод слова Mistress of the situation – хозяйка положения nervous situation – тревожная ситуация delicate situation – щекотливое положение It was a very nervous Situation. Обстановка была очень нервной. They got into a dodgy Situation. Они попали в довольно щекотливую ситуацию. I was unfamiliar with the Situation. Я был не […]...
39. So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you’d describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, “Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail.” Ralph replies “Make up […]...
40. Landscaping a Home Mona: I want a Lawn. I’ve always pictured our new house with a lawn. Kellan: Lawns require a lot of water and Upkeep. I think we should use Hardscape for most of the yard and plant only Drought-tolerant plants. Mona: I don’t want my yard to be full of Gravel and rocks. I picture a […]...