Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells

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1. A boy comes home from school and tells his motherA boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. «What part?» the mother asked. «I play a Jewish husband,» the boy replied. «Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!»...
2. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his motherA young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, «Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.» The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women ... Читать далее...
3. Chaim escapes from a mental hospitalChaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, «Are you Jewish?» The man says, «No.» Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, «You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?» The man replies, «No!» ... Читать далее...
4. Having a Temper TantrumAlberto: What was that Ear-splitting scream?! Melissa: That little girl over there is having a Temper tantrum. Alberto: Oh, great! The movie hasn’t even started and that kid is already Acting up. Melissa: I hope she’s okay. She looks Miserable. Maybe her parents can Distract her somehow. Alberto: She’s fine. She’s just Looking for attention ... Читать далее...
5. St Valentine’s DayТопик День Святого Валентина рассказывает о празднике всех влюбленных, который отмечается 14 февраля. В этот день молодые люди обмениваются маленькими красными открытками, которые называются «валентинки». Цветы и конфеты – тоже традиционные подарки в этот день. Можно отпраздновать День Св. Валентина в кафе, украшенном соответственно, и попробовать напитки красного цвета, бутерброды и пирожные в форме сердца. ... Читать далее...
6. Dealing With a Bothersome PersonMelissa: I hate that guy Reuben. He’s always Getting in my face. Conan: Ooh, I Sense some Serious sexual tension between the two of you. Melissa: Sexual tension? Are you Out of your mind? He does nothing but Give me a hard time. Conan: That’s because he’s trying to get your attention. Melissa: If he ... Читать далее...
7. US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary schoolUS Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: ‘I will now answer any questions you have.’ Bobby stands up and says: ‘I have four questions’: 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why ... Читать далее...
8. Taking Up a New HobbyEric: Who were you talking to on the phone? Melissa: My mother. I was Commiserating with her about Dad’s Retirement. Eric: Your father retired two months ago. That was a good thing, right? Melissa: Well, it’s good that he doesn’t have to work anymore, but he’s Driving my mother up the wall. He Putters around ... Читать далее...
9. Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells himSaddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, «Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.» «What did it say on the banners?» Clinton asks. Saddam replies, «Allah is god, god is Allah.» Clinton says, «You know, Saddam, I ... Читать далее...
10. Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boyTwo friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a new pistol. On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each ... Читать далее...
11. A guy walks into a post officeA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
12. Sending out many cardsA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes ... Читать далее...
13. Osama Cave MemoOsama Cave Memo =============== Hi guys. We’ve all been putting in long hours, but we’ve really come together as a group, and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says «There is no I in team,» as well as the one that says «Hang In There, Baby.» That cat ... Читать далее...
14. The little boy comes home from school and asks momThe little boy comes home from school and asks mom, «Where do babies come from?» Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, «From the stork of course!» The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, «But mom, who fucks the stork?»...
15. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
16. Showing Respect and DisrespectKadir: Stop that! Stop Snickering! Gabriel Voltaire is an author of great Acclaim. You should show a little Reverence. Melissa: Yes, but he seems to have a bad case of stage fright. I know it’s an Honor to hear him speak, but it’s hard to show reverence when the man is Sweating like a pig! ... Читать далее...
17. A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriendA Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet. «What’s this,» ... Читать далее...
18. День святого Валентина/ St. Valentine’s DayНа английском языке Перевод на русский язык St. Valentine’s Day День святого Валентина One of the international holidays is St. Valentine’s Day. This holiday has its story about two sweethearts, that’s why it’s called the day of all sweethearts. On this day many people make a declaration of love and propose marriage. And if they’ve ... Читать далее...
19. Subjects for a dateA boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: «My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.» The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. ... Читать далее...
20. Using a Video-Sharing WebsiteMelissa: You’re looking at the next Overnight sensation. I’m Uploading my video right now, and by this time tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s had over 100,000 Views. It’s going To go viral. Frank: You and your Amateur videos. Who is going to watch something with such low Production value? Melissa: You’d be surprised. ... Читать далее...
21. A man goes to a psychiatristA man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. «A man and a woman making love in a park,» the man replies. The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the ... Читать далее...
22. A Product RecallMelissa: This is a Disaster! If we have to Recall 100,000 units, we’ll take a huge Loss this year. Lee: We have no choice. The Product defect poses a Safety hazard. If we don’t act quickly, we’ll have a huge Liability issue On our hands. Melissa: I think we’re Blowing this out of proportion. Only ... Читать далее...
23. One day, little Billy comes home from kindergartenOne day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also ... Читать далее...
24. Different Management StylesBianca: Today’s the day. We’re supposed to find out who the new Manager is going to be. I hope they’re not making a mistake by Hiring internally. Conrad: I just hope they don’t pick Melissa. She would be a disaster. Bianca: Why do you say that? I like Melissa. Conrad: I like her, too, but ... Читать далее...
25. Taking Someone for GrantedPhil: Did you hear that Melissa has finally Left Eric? It’s about time! Cameron: Oh, that’s sad. It’s always sad when two people can’t Make it work. Phil: Well, it wasn’t For a lack of trying, On Melissa’s part. She Bent over backwards trying To please Eric and he always Took her for granted. If ... Читать далее...
26. Business is businessA young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, «Who was the greatest man that ever lived?» A girl raises her hand and says, «I think George Washington was the ... Читать далее...
27. A pregnant woman is about to give birthA pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, «Are you my dad?». The doctor says, «No, I am your doctor!». ... Читать далее...
28. Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotelBerkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. «Bartender,» he says, «give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.» When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he’s at her ... Читать далее...
29. Finding Love on Valentine’s DayTony: Another Valentine’s Day! I really hate Valentine’s Day. Chelsea: What’s your problem? Tony: I’m sick of seeing Heart-shaped boxes, Stuffed animals, and Cupid decorations everywhere. Lovey-dovey couples on the street and nothing but Sentimental movies on TV – that’s what I have a problem with. Chelsea: You’re just Jaded because you don’t have a ... Читать далее...
30. St. Valentine’s Day — День Святого Валентина (2)St. Valentine’s Day has roots in several different legends. One of the earliest popular symbols of the day is Cupid, the Roman god of Love, who is represented by the image of a young boy with a bow and arrow. Three hundred years after the death of Jesus Christ, the Roman emperors still demanded that ... Читать далее...
31. These two guys are car pooling home from work one dayThese two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn. «Look», he shouts «What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?» The ... Читать далее...
32. It’s dark in hereA woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there ... Читать далее...
33. A guy was driving home one eveningA guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was «now or never», he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and ... Читать далее...
34. Try to explain womenA man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. «Sure,» GOD says, «Go right ahead». «OK,» the man says. «Why did you make women so pretty?» GOD says, «So you would like them.» «OK,» the guy says. «But how come you ... Читать далее...
35. UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM____________________University To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________ I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be Changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons: ______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. ______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. ______3. This course will lower ... Читать далее...
36. Is it over yet?It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.» «Well,» answered the Priest, «That’s no a sin.» «But I made him pay me 20 ... Читать далее...
37. Jewish flyA man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in ... Читать далее...
38. St. Valentine’s Day — День Святого Валентина (3)There are several legend? about St. Valentine’s Day. One of the legends says that Valentine was Christian priest who lived in the 3 century A. D. He was put into prison by roman authorities for his teachings and was beheaded on February 14. According to the legend he performed a miracle — he cured his ... Читать далее...
39. A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a partyA whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting. «Why not?» said I. «Let her marry a Gentile boy. I’m all ... Читать далее...
40. An old man goes to a church, and is making a confessionAn old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a ... Читать далее...