Letters to a landlord

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1. This is what should happen to ALL CATS! This is what should happen to ALL CATS..! HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the […]...
2. Poor Rabbi! A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning’s relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so […]...
3. There are four basic types of chain letters: I There are four basic types of chain letters: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chain Letter Type I Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass […]...
4. Like father like son Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what’s going on. He tells his mother “Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.” “Johnny you […]...
5. Using the Restroom Denzel: Excuse me, where is the Restroom? Server: It’s down the hall, on your left. Denzel: Thanks. When I got into the bathroom, it was a Mess. I walked into a Stall and there was Toilet paper all over the floor. There were no Toilet seat covers and the Toilet wouldn’t Flush. Even the Toilet […]...
6. Значение идиомы cracked up [cracked up] {adj. phr.}, {informal} Favorably described or presented; praised. – Usually used in the expression “not what it’s cracked up to be”. The independent writer’s life isn’t always everything it’s cracked up to be. In bad weather, a sailing cruise isn’t what it’s cracked up to be....
7. Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound […]...
8. A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O – D. “Look what I spelled, […]...
9. Missing person Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is […]...
10. The guide to wife translations The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need […]...
11. A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since […]...
12. An extremely loyal fan There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is […]...
13. You might be a redneck if 01 You might be a redneck if… More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O. J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not […]...
14. Miracle Bra Alternative Miracle Bra Alternative A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in […]...
15. A fun game While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door: Congratulations! You’ve won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left. You look left and it reads: Look Right You look right and it reads: Look Left…...
16. Golf lessons A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks […]...
17. Перевод слова toilet Toilet – туалет, уборная; костюм, одевание Перевод слова Morning toilet – утренний туалет summer toilets of the ladies – летние туалеты дам toilet stall – кабина в уборной Mummy, I need to go to the Toilet! Мамочка, мне нужно в туалет! She made Tina flush the pills down the Toilet. Она заставила Тину спустить таблетки […]...
18. At The Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium – he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat […]...
19. Better than Sex A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back […]...
20. Having Plumbing Problems Mickey: Hello, McQuillan Plumbing. Colleen: Hi, I’m having a lot of Plumbing problems. Can you send a Plumber out to my house right away? Mickey: Yes, we can. But first, let’s find out what the problems are. Colleen: Well, to start, my Toilet won’t Flush and it’s Overflowing. Mickey: An overflowing toilet – Check. What […]...
21. Top ten signs that you are too drunk 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. […]...
22. Значение идиомы crack down [crack down] {v. phr.}, {informal} To enforce laws or rules strictly; require full obedience to a rule. After a speeding driver hit a child, the police cracked down. – Often used with “on”. Police suddenly cracked down on the selling of liquors to minors. The coach cracked down on the players when he found they […]...
23. The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, “We need to know that […]...
24. Значение идиомы crack up [crack up] {v.} 1. To wreck or be wrecked; smash up. The airplane cracked up in landing. He cracked up his car. 2. {informal} To become mentally ill under physical or mental overwork or worry. He had kept too busy for years, and when failures came, he cracked up. It seemed to be family problems […]...
25. Перевод слова kitchen Kitchen – кухня Перевод слова Kitchen clobber – кухонные приспособления field kitchen – полевая кухня kitchen unit – кухонный комбайн the French kitchen – французская кухня Get out of the Kitchen! Выметайся из кухни! Who messed up the Kitchen? Кто устроил беспорядок на кухне? Lock the cat in the Kitchen. Закрой кота на кухне....
26. A push A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to […]...
27. Peanuts Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it […]...
28. Перевод слова landlord Landlord – домовладелец, помещик, арендодатель Перевод слова Slum landlord – владелец трущобы landlord class – помещики agricultural landlord – землевладелец The Landlord says your rent is late. Хозяин квартиры говорит, что ты задолжал. Housing associations are the biggest Landlords in this area. Жилищные ассоциации – самые крупные арендодатели в этом районе. The Landlord hiked up […]...
29. Bloke is drinking at a pub Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. “Don’t be stupid,” says the barman, “We’ve got a perfectly good toilet here!” “Yes,” explains the drinker, “but I take salts.” “So what??!! That doesn’t matter – you […]...
30. I think I try a nicer approach Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let […]...
31. Buying Tools at a Hardware Store Chuck: Just remember that we have a lot to accomplish today, so let’s just get what we need and go, okay? Ayaka: Sure, we just need a few tools for our DIY project. The Power tools are over there. Chuck: Whoa, we’re not getting power tools. We just need a few simple Hand tools: a […]...
32. Love thy Neighbor The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had […]...
33. Buying Tools at a Hardware Store Chuck: Just remember that we have a lot to accomplish today, so let’s just get what we need and go, okay? Ayaka: Sure, we just need a few tools for our DIY project. The Power tools are over there. Chuck: Whoa, we’re not getting power tools. We just need a few simple Hand tools: a […]...
34. Alphabet letters How many letters are there in the alphabet? Noel, noel, noel, noel… the angels did say… E. T. went home. Get rid of X. There’s too many unknowns in the world already! (Only one vowel left, or is that “Anly ana vawal laft” This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, […]...
35. The accident report Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an […]...
36. Bad news A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever […]...
37. Appropriate punishment Through the kitchen window a farmer’s wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, “I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig […]...
38. Looks bad on resume cover letters 1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good. 2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down. 3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job. 4. I know where you live. 5. Any sentence beginning with “I […]...
39. Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife […]...
40. Перевод слова straight Straight – прямой, прямо Перевод слова The straightest way to – самый прямой путь в straight run – беспосадочный полет to ride straight – ехать напрямик to drink straight from the bottle – пить прямо из горлышка Are you going Straight to London? Вы едете прямо в Лондон? He shot Straight. Он метко выстрелил. He […]...