Sorry Texans…. A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap. «How do you know it’s one of our coyotes?» asked the Oklahoma game warden. «Well,» replied the Texas … Читать далее
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68? At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her … Читать далее
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. «I tried to be an actress and failed,» she complained. «I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.» … Читать далее
1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren’t necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should … Читать далее
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the … Читать далее
We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!! We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, «Do not come home and all will be forgiven». You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure. I … Читать далее
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. «But I paid, don’t you remember?» says the customer. «Okay,» says the bartender, «If you said you paid, you did.» The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees … Читать далее
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help. «The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.», … Читать далее
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called «Marriage Anonymous.» Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.
There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up … Читать далее
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when…. You only knowv three spices — salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. Canadian Tire on any Saturday … Читать далее
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked … Читать далее
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise. Q: What’s the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We’re still trying to find out too. Bagpipes (noun) — I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic … Читать далее
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other. At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, «Wow, unbelievable!» Which woke Ed. «What’s going on?» said Ed. «I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my … Читать далее
Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like «work» to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would … Читать далее
Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, «Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep for a week.» «What happened.» Says her intrigued friend. «I didn’t know what I was going to … Читать далее
New secretary (second day on the job) answers telephone as is told in official tones: «This is the phone company. We are testing a new circuit wiring scheme in your offices. Please keep everyone off the phones for the next 10 minutes. We will be verifying the correct wiring of your system by passing HOT … Читать далее
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, «Ey, Tony! You know who’s-a George Washington?» Tony says, «No, Giuseppi, who’s-a George Washington?» He says, «Hah! George-a Washington’s the first-a President of — a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U. S.-a citizen.» A couple of days later, Giuseppi … Читать далее
Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do … Читать далее
I overheard a friend telling his pal, «I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.» «What is she doing?», the pal asks. «Waiting for me to get home.»
An actual mailing: Greetings, You have just received the «IRISH VIRUS». As we don’t have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present: The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam Name:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________ 1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of … Читать далее
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. … Читать далее
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee … Читать далее
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked … Читать далее
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. «What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?» «Throw out an anchor, sir,» the student replied. «What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?» «Throw out another anchor, sir.» «And if another terrific … Читать далее
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, «Who here has ever seen a ghost?» Most of the hands go up. «And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?» About half the hands stay up. «OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with … Читать далее
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney… — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — … Читать далее
«That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,» the housewife told a neighbor. «You didn’t do it, did you?» «I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the … Читать далее
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, «Well, aren’t you going to ask me?» «Ask you what?» replied the trucker. «If I’m a boy or a girl,» answered the youth. «Don’t matter,» replied … Читать далее
There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, «I’ve never seen you in her before.» The guy says, «Yes, I’m not from around here. I’m just passing … Читать далее
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, «My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.» She turns around quickly to see who … Читать далее
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, «Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?» The Saudi replied, … Читать далее
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you’d expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too! After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back … Читать далее
Here’s a sick one… So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband’s penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a … Читать далее
Married life is full of excitement and frustration: * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. It is true that love is blind but marriage … Читать далее
A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical. «What’s wrong?» her mum, (another blonde) asked. «My boyfriend’s just dropped me!» wailed the blonde. Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees. «No mum,» the blonde interrupted. «You don’t understand — I can fuck and … Читать далее
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism … Читать далее
A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop. He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, «Excuse me, but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?» The … Читать далее
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god … Читать далее
«Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.» «Would you spell that, please?» «Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.» The operator pauses. «Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with … Читать далее
A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, «Tell me, Becky, have you heard by chance what’s going on in Rome?» «No,» said Mrs Finkelstein. «I haven’t. What’s going on in Rome?» «A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other … Читать далее
Chinese Phrase: English Translation Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive Jan Ne … Читать далее
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, «Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.» Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to … Читать далее
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above «You will live to be 100.» She looked around and didn’t see anyone. Again she heard «You will live to be 100.» Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I’ve got 40 more years … Читать далее
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. ‘God,’ he prayed, ‘I really want a car.’ Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. ‘God,’ he prayed again, ‘I really NEED a car.’ Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into … Читать далее
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this … Читать далее
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. «Well…» said the Engineer, «I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we … Читать далее
New scientific theories HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian «pahks» his «cah», the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to «warsh» his car and invest in «erl wells.»
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and … Читать далее