Once i was working for an Excibition Gallery, as a outdoor cleaner, it was clear bright October day, when i came to my work, i saw a huge amount of stuff as a result of productivity about of 40 horses. Horse police parked here for a 3 hours. What should i do? i noticed a … Читать далее
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. … Читать далее
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, «Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!»
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and … Читать далее
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane’s office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other. One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says … Читать далее
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, «This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!» The scared bartender pleads, «Don’t shoot, please! I’ll do as you say!» The robber yells, «Shut … Читать далее
There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy thew the comdom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and … Читать далее
One night when you have a few friends around, take turns calling the same phone number, a really obnoxious acquaintance that won’t recognize your voices is always a good choice. When the person answers, try to leave a message for John Smith (or any name that sounds real). Insist that you have the right number … Читать далее
Florence Flask was… dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, «Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!» «Now, now, my dear,» replied her husband, «keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they’re mislead.» «No, I know they’re stolen,» cried Florence. «I remember putting them in my burette… We … Читать далее
This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class. 1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, «Quite right, old bean!» 2. Wear … Читать далее
A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower. It’s at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says….. «Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?» The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks…. … Читать далее
Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night. Jake says, «Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted … Читать далее
Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV (basketball players only) Time Limit: 3 weeks * 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions — OR — give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask … Читать далее
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, «Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, … Читать далее
New scientific theories GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, … Читать далее
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8: People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the … Читать далее
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. «Can I see your license and registration, bub?», the cop inquired. «But officer,» the fellow started, «I can explain…» «Shut yer trap, bub!» snapped the officer. «You’re going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back.» «But, officer, I think … Читать далее
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. — Milton Berle A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. — Abba Eban A conservative is … Читать далее
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: ‘Is this pig?’ Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: ‘Which end of the … Читать далее
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, «How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin.» The doc said, … Читать далее
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They … Читать далее
Now I understand what marketing is: You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: «I am very good in bed». That is Direct Marketing. You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends … Читать далее
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. «Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?» The Vicar … Читать далее
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from … Читать далее
There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. … Читать далее
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let’s face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We … Читать далее
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview … Читать далее
Graptolites (Melody: Danny Boy) by Brenna Lorenz Oh, graptolites — Your stipes, your stipes are calling From every shale in every ancient land; Oh, graptolites — Through dream’s dark oceans falling, Your rhabdosomes with grace in every strand. Oh, take me back to Cambro-Ordovician days, With all your youth and glory in full blaze — … Читать далее
There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy — Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to … Читать далее
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. «Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?» He said, «Damn if I know.» She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, … Читать далее
A very very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes … Читать далее
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. «Well, Morrie, how’s your warehouse business going?» . «Oy vey, Abraham, it’s not going so good, we had a flood last week.» «So, Morrie,» whispers Abraham «How do you start a flood?».
1. Name the Beatles, first and last names. 2. Finish this line: «Lions, and tigers, and bears…» (2 words) 3. «Hey kids, what time is it?» (4 words) 4. What do M&Ms do? 5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? 6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him … Читать далее
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, «Who was the greatest man that ever lived?» A girl raises her hand and says, «I think George Washington was the … Читать далее
Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache. «I’ve got a beaut cure for a headache,» said his mate Trev. «Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails.» A week went by and they were … Читать далее
A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he’s there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, «Man, I sure wish I could do that.» The dog … Читать далее
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. … Читать далее
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, «Please, is there a doctor in the house?!» Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, «Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?»
Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back. As Cronin hands … Читать далее
In one day Steve came to the bathroon, when his father was washing. And Steve has seen dad’s dick and said: «Dad, what is this?» His father nervously said: «Well Steve, it’s sausage». After week he, suddenly, has seen his mum’s cunt and said: «Mum, what is this?». His mum: «Well, it’s a cat». After … Читать далее
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually … Читать далее
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands. China blames U. S. for second mid-air collision! Beijing (Reuters) … Читать далее
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, «I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.» Our wasted friend asked, «Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?» Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,» said the copper. … Читать далее
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, «So how has life been treating you?» The old man replies,»The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when … Читать далее
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Dumb California Laws Sunshine … Читать далее
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would … Читать далее
A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying … Читать далее
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, «You can’t take it with you.» After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to … Читать далее
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. «So what’s going on here?» he asks. The bikie replies «My mate here has … Читать далее
Dec. 8 5:00 p. m. — It’s starting to snow, the first of the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful. Dec. 9 — We awoke to a big … Читать далее