Jokes

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, «I’m another year older,» but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, «Happy birthday, dear.» All smiles, I … Читать далее

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy, «We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together. Betsy: Whose house would we live in? Elmer: Mine, it is … Читать далее

Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around = the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi. Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the = Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his = stomach, then each shoulder. As Father … Читать далее

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, «I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!» The Madam is astonished. «But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of … Читать далее

The 2000 Darwin awards! (15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum … Читать далее

Cesium (All through the Night) (Tune, Fever) (1) Never know how much I need you, Never know how much I’d dare, When I mix you up with water, I get a heat that’s hard to bear. I need my Cesium! Burnin’ brightly, Cesium to give me light. Cesium — In the morning, Cesium all through … Читать далее

John receives a phone call. «Hello,» he answers. The voice on the ot other end says, «This is Susan. We met a party about 3 months ago.» John: «Hmm… Susan? about 3 months ago?» Susan: «Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got … Читать далее

«Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?» the solicitor questioned his client. «Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?» «Oh, no,» replied Mrs. O’Connor. «Shure now, we have a carport.» The solicitor tried again. «Well, does the man beat you up?» «No, no,» said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. «I’m always first out … Читать далее

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, «Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.» «Good idea,» she says. «While you’re in there, pick me up some Dramamine.» The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore … Читать далее

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses «I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.» and Moses says «Yeah sure.» So Jesus gets up and says «I think I’ll walk on the water, that was always a good one.» So Jesus … Читать далее

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, «Look mate, don’t ever … Читать далее

1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good. 2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down. 3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job. 4. I know where you live. 5. Any sentence beginning with «I … Читать далее

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school. Danny says «I won’t be going to school tomorrow.» «Why not?» asks Joey. «I have to go to the hospital,» says Danny woefully. «That’s awful,» says Joey. «Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?» Danny shakes his head and … Читать далее

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain … Читать далее

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: «Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this … Читать далее

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what??s been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked «How is she in bed?» First guy replies «She??s fantastic, she sucks … Читать далее

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. «My life is a mess, doctor,» she began, «I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?» «Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start … Читать далее

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the … Читать далее

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, «Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.» The other hooker looked at her and said, «No, I just burped.»

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. «Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you.» The woman said, «I’m glad to hear that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown, not Mrs.» «Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown,» said the doctor without changing expression, «I have some bad … Читать далее

There’s these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what’s the matter. 1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is. 2nd Irishman: Oh, that’s easy, it’s 147. 1st Irishman: No no no, that … Читать далее

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. «Sure,» GOD says, «Go right ahead». «OK,» the man says. «Why did you make women so pretty?» GOD says, «So you would like them.» «OK,» the guy says. «But how come you … Читать далее

A young couple from the country honeymooned at a really fancy ocean-side resort. because they knew it would be expensive, they had planned to limit their stay to just the weekend, but were just unable to leave, enjoying themselves and each other so much, and extended their stay another day. Upon checking out, the desk … Читать далее

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, «Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?» The other replies, «Well I don’t know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.» So that night he did and God replied, «You are what you are.» The next day he said … Читать далее

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and then horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, … Читать далее

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. «Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I’m afraid he’s goin’ to die.» «Shure, an’ why would he be dyin’?» asked the other. «Ah, he’s gotten so thin. You’re thin enough, and I’m thin — but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is … Читать далее

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: «They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!» The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly … Читать далее

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother’s room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, «I want a man, I want a man.» Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory … Читать далее

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, «hey dad, look how fat that lady is!» «Shhhh, quiet son, she’ll hear you.» «But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!» «Shhhhhh, don’t say that son, it’s not nice!» … Читать далее

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew … Читать далее

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front … Читать далее

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. «What’s the matter with me?» he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, «You’re not eating properly.»

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. … Читать далее

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, «I was going to park there!» The … Читать далее

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, «I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This … Читать далее

A girl goes to the doctor. She says, «Doc, I’m freakin’ out…I’m freakin’ out…my pee’s coming out in four streams.» He says, «Get up on the table and I’ll see what I can do.» She gets up on the table, and as he’s examining her, he starts to giggle. She says, «It’s not funny. My … Читать далее

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, «I vould like some blood.» The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, «I vould like some blood.» … Читать далее

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, «Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died’.» Confounded at the woman’s thrift, … Читать далее

Mongo’s old lady decided she wanted t do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle. «Hi hon,» she purred sexily. «Y’all want some of this?» «Hell, no!» he hollered. «Look at … Читать далее

A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, «I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…» «But how the heck did you burn the other ear?» The doctor asked. «How … Читать далее

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. «But officer,» the man began, «I can explain.» «Just be quiet,» snapped the officer. «I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.» «But, officer, I just wanted to say,» «And I said … Читать далее

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. «Ma,» he shouted, «the results are in. I won the election!» «Honestly?» The politician’s smiled faded. «Aw hell, … Читать далее

The clerk showed the man the store’s most expensive perfume. «This is called ‘Perhaps’,» said the sales clerk. «It’s $285 per ounce.» «Listen,» the man shot back, «for $285 an ounce, I don’t want something called ‘Perhaps’; I want something called… «You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You’ll Get Some!!»

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, «Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my … Читать далее

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats. Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager. Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive? A: Their personalities. Q: What’s the … Читать далее

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. «The effects are fleeting and lingering…» — Overheard in a hallway «In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted.» — CBS reporter during the solar eclipse «A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across.» — … Читать далее

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for… It is about time you became informed! {A} — Almost Boobs… {B} — Barely there. {C} — Can’t Complain! … Читать далее

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place. «Well,» said the demon, «the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes … Читать далее

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence.» It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these … Читать далее

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed … Читать далее