The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press … Читать далее
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you! Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers! Why do reindeer wear fur coats? Because they would look silly in plastic macs! How do you make a slow reindeer fast? Don’t feed it! Why did the … Читать далее
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest. Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, «Lady, if … Читать далее
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn’t having a good time at the … Читать далее
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the … Читать далее
If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. «What does it look like?» she finally … Читать далее
Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Belinda. PS Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic … Читать далее
Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, «Come this way,» and heads towards the back of the store. «If I could come that way,» she tells the retreating clerk, «I wouldn’t need the batteries.»
The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: «Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.» The CO said «I see millions of stars.» 1st Sgt.: «And what does that tell you, sir?» CO: Astronomically, it tells … Читать далее
KENMORE HOSPITAL 61 COMMONWEALTH AVE. BOSTON, MA. 02115 DATE:____________ NAME: ADDRESS: Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for _______________, at ___________(a. m.)(p. m.). The purpose of this Extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects Your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty Outlook on life. … Читать далее
Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher «Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?» Johnny «I’m sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday.» Teacher, «Was he burned very bad?» Johnny, «Yes Mam, they don’t fuck around at these crematoriums you know.
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. «Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1 ?» The Marine replied, «I got my four Sir.»
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a … Читать далее
The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. «In moments of temptation,» said the speaker to the class, «ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?» A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: «How … Читать далее
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. «Why do you want cider?» asked Mom. «To take the pain away,» sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little … Читать далее
Two wives were airing their troubles: «I’d like to get a divorce,» said the first. «My husband and I just don’t get along.» «Why don’t you sue him for incompatibility?» asked the second. «I would if I could catch him at it,» replied the first.
*Question: What is one horsepower? *Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. *You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind. *Talc is found on … Читать далее
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick. «I will», replies a guy in the audience, «but I’m going to need your wife Claudia and a table.» «Ok», says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down … Читать далее
Age EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, «That’s a nice kitty.» Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold … Читать далее
Total immersion geologists Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs: 1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food. 2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion … Читать далее
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his … Читать далее
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, «Who turned on the fucking lights!» «Oh, no sir,» the nearest flight attendant replied. «Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the ‘fucking … Читать далее
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions — age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex. ‘Oh,’ he mused, ‘It was 1945.’ ‘Isn’t that a long time to go without sex?’ the doctor asked. ‘I … Читать далее
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and … Читать далее
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. «After all, dear,» she said to her husband, «you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?» «No,» her husband replied. «Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.»
Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), «So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do? «I study the Torah,» he replies. «But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?» «No problem,» … Читать далее
There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They were on a cruise ship and it was heading home. When they got about 20 miles of shore the boat began to sink (no idea way use your imagination). The three girls jump off and swim to a nearby island. After being there … Читать далее
THE DEAN Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God THE DEPARTMENT HEAD Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Talks with … Читать далее
Eugene d’Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, «Congratulations, Herr d’Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife.» During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was … Читать далее
A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender’s attention. He glanced at it and said, «It’s a ladybug.» After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, «Good Lord, what incredible … Читать далее
Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the … Читать далее
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to … Читать далее
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. «Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,» she asks, «will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?» Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says «No, I don’t think … Читать далее
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went … Читать далее
A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask about whether or not she should hire a new waitress. «She can speak twelve different languages, which will be good for foreign visitors,» said the manager. «All right, so hire her,» the owner replied.»But, sir…» «I knew there would be a but. What’s wrong … Читать далее
On their wedding night the husband was so self — conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride. «That’s thoughtful, darling,» she cooed, «but we’ll need the light if you want to … Читать далее
LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet NEW YORK—A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a Children’s Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the show’s cast. «The letter D is proud to … Читать далее
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows: D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh? D: Madam — You have a SUPPOSITORY in your … Читать далее
A man goes to the doctor and says, «Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.» The doctor asks, «What do you mean?» The man says, «When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee — OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.» The doctor says, «I know what’s wrong … Читать далее
Two men were talking to each other about how pussy taste. The first guy said»I think it taste like cherry pie».The other guy said «I think it taste like shit».Then the first guy said «you are supposed to turn her over». $ $Sent by Don Chamberlin
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. «Ladies and gentlemen … Читать далее
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. «Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,» says the shop … Читать далее
1) Got a neighbor that’s a real pain in the ass? Do they have a lawn? Do they have a garden that’s accessible? Yes to all the above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them water their lawn! Nuff … Читать далее
The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking: Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter «the House») a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., … Читать далее
An Englishman arrived to Australia. Passport control in the airport. Border guard asks him: — Have you ever been convicted of a crime? — Hmm.. Is it still necessary? Изначально в Австралию ссылали заключенных из Англии.
You know you’re in a small town….. — when you don’t use turn signals because everybody knows where you’re going. — if you’re born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you’re the first baby of the year. — if you speak to each dog you pass, by name….. … Читать далее
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, … Читать далее