The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, «Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!» «I don’t know what you’re talking about miss — that’s just my … Читать далее
An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked the beginner if she had any questions. «Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked.» «The same as the short ones, honey.»
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They … Читать далее
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, «Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking arse.» Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. «That’s okay,» the blonde replied, «If … Читать далее
At a U. N. meeting the American ambassador turned to the Japanese ambassador and whispered, «When was your last election?» The Japanese ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, «before bleakfast.»
Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night) (Tune, Blackbird) Cesium burning in the dead of night. Take your sky blue lines and start to shine. All my life, I was only waiting for the moment you were mine. Cesium burning on a lake of ice. Lift your glorious flame up to the skies. All your … Читать далее
Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn’t ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn’t answer the question and that he shouldn’t … Читать далее
A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. «Get a load of her» said the mouse, «what a babe!» «Well, why not try your luck?» replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes … Читать далее
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p. m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to … Читать далее
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chiese lands. Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our … Читать далее
Bill of No Rights By Lewis W. Napper We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one … Читать далее
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, «So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?» She says, «Bernie, I want a divorce.» He says, «I wasn’t planning on spending that much.»
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. «I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,» said the man. «To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every … Читать далее
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. «Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,» he smiled with delight. «Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red … Читать далее
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her «go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?» The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she … Читать далее
A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat … Читать далее
Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii. As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said, «Look at the legs among that group.» «Sorry old chap.» replied the second doctor. «But I’m a chest man myself.»
This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new Bride prepared for their wedding nite. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their love making. She finally announced that she was ready. The man then asked if … Читать далее
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, «In the past 3 weeks you’ve … Читать далее
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate. She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she … Читать далее
A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says «thank … Читать далее
A little boy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked … Читать далее
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can’t believe it! He says, «What’s wrong with … Читать далее
Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that … Читать далее
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, «I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.» The wife says, «No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.» Husband replies, «Our savings are all gone and you … Читать далее
The Lord said to Noah, «In six months, I’m going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark.» Six months passed. The skies began to … Читать далее
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. «She uses too many four-letter words for me,» was the reply. «Really?» «Yes,» answered the playboy. «All evening long she was saying «don’t» and «stop» and «quit that.»
When I was in college our RA told us of a good one that (supposedly) some friends had pulled a couple of years earlier. These two guys made up a concoction of all kinds of left overs, semi-pureed it in a blender, and filled a hot water bottle with it. One of them took the … Читать далее
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. «So, how’s life been for you?» Ed asked. «Not too good,» Ted replied. «My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for … Читать далее
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. «Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.» Watson replied, «I see … Читать далее
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. «I certainly don’t want to frighten you into a decision,» he announced, standing up to leave… «Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.»
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. … Читать далее
A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, «Well, son, they’re making a puppy.» The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being … Читать далее
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to … Читать далее
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week. Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say «Uh-huh» or «Yes dear» or «I’m sorry» ?
Two children are in a doctor’s waiting room, and one of them is crying. «Why are you crying?» asked the other child. «I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger.» When he heard this, the other child started to cry. «Why are you crying?» «I’m here for a urine test.»
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself «what a waste» he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, «Is … Читать далее
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. «It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world,» she boasted. «The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.» «What a diamond!» «How lucky you are!» «Wait, wait, nothing … Читать далее
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked his Motorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning … Читать далее
1040 Waffle Street Little Rock, Arkansas 72208 Dear Friend; We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raising of $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D. C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was … Читать далее
NORTH POLE (API) — MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of … Читать далее
Theorem: All positive integers are equal. Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction. If N = … Читать далее
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, «Did you see that?» The second guy says, «No.» «A bald eagle just flew over head.» «Oh.» A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, «Did you see that?» «No.» «There was a black bear walking on that hill over there.» «Oh.» A few … Читать далее
Long, but pretty good: On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 … Читать далее
«The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.» «If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.» «So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?» «Yes sir, you can talk to the shift … Читать далее
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle … Читать далее
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. «I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T. V.» He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to … Читать далее
«Why do you look so glum today?», the teacher asked young Johnny. «I didn’t have no breakfast,» Johnny mumbled. «You poor dear,» said the teacher. «Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?» «In bed with my mom. That’s why I didn’t have no breakfast.»
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people — you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one. You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes. They say that travel broadens … Читать далее
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. Mary: Are you wearing it now? John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it’s top of the line. Mary: What kind is it? John: Twelve-thirty.