Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia’s more outrageous computer publications, «Computing Australia», 21st Sept 1987: … Blame it on the computer. An unfriendly computer has been held … Читать далее

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next … Читать далее

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it … Читать далее

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink — he could … Читать далее

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: «Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!» Ralph looked … Читать далее

As supposedly reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of «a drug kingpin’s daughter», let it be known on the street that dealers were «invited» (i. e. Expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was «S. … Читать далее

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. «Who goes there?» inquired St. Peter. «It’s me, Bill Clinton». «What bad things did you do on earth?» Clinton thought a bit and answered, «Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. And I lied, but I didn’t commit … Читать далее

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O — D. «Look what I spelled, … Читать далее

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, «Well, … Читать далее

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet. The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to … Читать далее

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign «Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.» «Hans Olaffsen?», he thinks. «How in the world does that fit in here?» So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, «How in the world did this place … Читать далее

Knock Knock Who’s there? Wenceslas Wenceslas who? Wenceslas train home? Knock Knock Who’s there? Snow Snow who? Snow business like show business! Knock Knock Who’s there? Wayne Wayne who? Wayne in a manger… ! Knock Knock Who’s there? Donut Donut who? Donut open till Christmas! Knock Knock Who’s there? Oakham Oakham who? Oakham all ye … Читать далее

An American will say, «Hot day!» A Canadian will say, «Hot day, eh?» meaning «It’s a hot day, isn’t it?» This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted their independence. Canada … Читать далее

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said «Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!» «Don’t worry, Bubba,» Earl said. «We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel … Читать далее

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after … Читать далее

Времена президентства Дж. Буша мл., идет заседание с министрами. Делает доклад министр обороны: — Yesterday two Brazilian soldier were killed in Iraq. Буш бледнеет, обхватывает голову руками, и, спустя несколько секунд подобной истерики, спрашивает дрожащим голосом у советника: «А бразильон — это сколько?» P. S. аналогии: million — миллон billion — миллиард

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, «Listen, ‘sir’, it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number … Читать далее

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, «Your Honor, I’m a Christian. I’ve become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man.» The judge responded, «Since it … Читать далее

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, «We need to know that … Читать далее

«Information. Can I help you?» «I’d like the number of the Theater Guild, please.» «One moment, please.» Pause. «I’m sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.» «No, no. It isn’t a person. It’s an organization. It’s Theater Guild.» «I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.» «Not *Theodore*! … Читать далее

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, «Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.» «Because,» the man says,»I live in a two-story house.» The Judge replies, «What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about … Читать далее

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of … Читать далее

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. «A priest. Somebody get me a priest!» the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. «A … Читать далее

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. «You just won’t believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.» «Oh yes dear, what happened?» «I came across two guys down by the canal, one … Читать далее

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual guide and his response to questions. Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking … Читать далее

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, «Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.» «Sorry John.» she replied. «I’m not ready to settle down yet. And besides, … Читать далее

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. «Don’t be angry,» the Mother says, «Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.» A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says… «Now … Читать далее

It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all … Читать далее

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks his babysitter is gay. «Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?» says mom. Timmy replies, «Because his dick tasted like shit!»

As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens. If you suspect a «touch of the old hand ax» in your ancestry, score yourself on this test: 1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points. … Читать далее

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, «Going to a party?» «Yeah,» the man answered, «I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.» «But you look like Abe Lincoln,» protested the … Читать далее

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You’re going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn’t leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I … Читать далее

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques: Escape from Dojo The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats. Sleeper Stance Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the … Читать далее

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: «VIRUS ALERT!» do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get … Читать далее

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. «Back ladies, back!» cried the leader. «There’s a very dangerous beast out there!» But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was … Читать далее

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. «Would it be right,» he asked, «for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?» «Absolutely not!» replied the pastor. «In that case,» said the young man, «I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid … Читать далее

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail. The first one pulls out a harmonica and says «I can play all my favorite songs on this.» The second takes out a deck of cards. «I can play poker with myself with these.» The third gets out a box of … Читать далее

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S «What’s that?», the patient asks. «It’s a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.» The patient wants to know if there’s a cure, to which the Doctor responds, «We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.» «Why only pancackes?», … Читать далее

TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage… Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: «I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.» The husband says: «WHAT??» The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional … Читать далее

This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions. Guy: «Why are girls so pretty?» God: «So you’ll like them.» Guy: «Why are girls soft?» God: «So you’ll like them.» Guy: «Why are girls so dumb?» God: «So they’ll like you.»

ELEMENT: WOMAN SYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg. OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas. Physical Properties: 1. Surface normally covered with a painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter … Читать далее

For $25 US dollars you can invest in the future of a developing country just out of the clutches of communism. What your $$$ buyz: Russian ammo for one freedom fighter for one month for the ethnic clensing! Their motto: I wanns be like Ike! A little behind the times, BUT! They model themselves after … Читать далее

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you … Читать далее

Three guys are discussing women. «I like to watch a woman’s tits best,» the first guy says. The second says «I like to look at a woman’s ass.» He asks the third guy «What about you?». «Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.»

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. «Yes Dad, what is it?» «Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it … Читать далее

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. «I’m scared out of my mind,» the stud replied. «Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop … Читать далее

A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse … Читать далее

Originally from a Washintgon Post Contest Winners of the «worst analogies ever written in a high school essay» contest. (Actually most of them are similes —but… whatever) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those … Читать далее

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Bangkok, Thailand A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses. «We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses … Читать далее

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life The Doctor — who tells her to «take off all her clothes.» The Dentist — who tells her to «open wide.» The Milkman — who asks her «do you want it in the front or the back?» The Hairdresser — who asks her «do you want … Читать далее