Jokes

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says «OK,» and goes to the pharmacy to buy … Читать далее

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as «Bonkistry.» He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry … Читать далее

Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, «Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.» «What did it say on the banners?» Clinton asks. Saddam replies, «Allah is god, god is Allah.» Clinton says, «You know, Saddam, I … Читать далее

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each … Читать далее

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. «Please, God,» he implored, «let it be blood!»

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back … Читать далее

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. «On what grounds?» questioned the Judge, «This court does not take annulments lightly.» «Non-virginity,» replied the quarterback, «When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver.»

Top Ten Signs you’re Not Watching a Real Baseball Team From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995 You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip. They keep shouting «Do over!» When umpire yells, «Strike … Читать далее

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband … Читать далее

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. «As I’m sure you can understand,» she started off with one of the first applicants, «in … Читать далее

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, «I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair … Читать далее

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way. «And just where have you been until this hour?» demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home. … Читать далее

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, «We need some four-by-twos.» The clerk said, «You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?» The man said, «I’ll go check,» and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, … Читать далее

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50’s, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The cardiologist said, «Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have … Читать далее

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? «Why does it work?» What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? «How does it work?» What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? «How much will it cost?» What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask? «Do … Читать далее

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender … Читать далее

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, «Alright, I’ll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!» The private reports as ordered, «Yes sir?» The general says, «See that man over there? Kill him!» Without … Читать далее

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, «Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me — do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?» «As a matter … Читать далее

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman. «Sure you can, Mickey,» Charlie said, «Just flap your arms really *really* hard.» So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below. Horrified, their mother … Читать далее

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly … Читать далее

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. «Hey kid!» the farmer says. «Where ya goin’ with that wire?» «Well,» the kid drawls, «this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s … Читать далее

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official look s over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write ‘Twice a week’ into the small space labeled ‘SEX’. The official explains: «No, no, no. That is not what we … Читать далее

A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to … Читать далее

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it. He goes to the … Читать далее

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some «real» musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says «I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion.» The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies «OK, … Читать далее

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said «My dog’s cross — eyed, is there anything you can do for him?» «Well,» said the vet, «lets have a look at him.» So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. «Hmm,» says the vet, «I’m going to have … Читать далее

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the … Читать далее

The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. «Doctor,» she explained, «the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.» The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on … Читать далее

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his … Читать далее

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush’s jumped the Game Warden!! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fella … Читать далее

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. «Doc,» he said, «I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. «you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!» «Just put yourself in my hands for two … Читать далее

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains. «How much does it cost for engineer brain?» «Three dollars an … Читать далее

Job Applicant: «I’m looking for a job as a consultant.» Employer: «I’m sorry, we already have enough cosultants.» Applicant: «That’s ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.» Employer: «More than we can use already.» Applicant: As he is getting desperate, «I’m not proud, I can do paperwork, I’ll be a clerk, If you … Читать далее

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, «Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.» The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. «Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have … Читать далее

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, «Stick it through that curtain.» Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack … Читать далее

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He says, «A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.» One student stands up and says, «Professor, … Читать далее

Attorney to witness: «And where was the location of the accident?» Witness: «Approximately milepost 499.» Attorney: «And where is milepost 499?» Witness: «About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.»

We do not advise following any of the below driving rules to any extent. Driving should be taken seriously at all times. The below jokes are simply here for entertainment purposes. When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also … Читать далее

Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town. «How’re thangs with y’all, Pete?» one asked. «Not bad atall,» Pete replied. «My old woman ain’t talkin’ to me thiseyer week…and I ain’t in no mood to interrupt her.»

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a «man’s world» there. Thinking that she … Читать далее

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself «Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.» There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: «No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your … Читать далее

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: «I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.» His second friend says: «I think my wife is having an affair with … Читать далее

1. They speak only the Greek language. 2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson? 3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA. … Читать далее

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: «Are you the owner?» The pharmacist answers, «Yes.» Jacob: … Читать далее

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty. «I would suggest to you, young lady,» began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, «that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start … Читать далее

There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, «I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?» Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, «Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types … Читать далее

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay, Windows does … Читать далее

Because his son wasn’t the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. «Now you lissen good, Dan’l, ‘cuz here’s whatcha gotta do. One: Take out your penie-pipe. Two: Pull back the foreskin. Three: Pee. Four: Push back your foreskin. Five: … Читать далее

The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need … Читать далее