There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched … Читать далее
Childhood Diseases Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. «What happened to you feet?» his wife asked. «I had a childhood disease called tolio.» «Don’t you mean polio?» «No, tolio, it only … Читать далее
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. «Hey Willis!!» the farmer yelled. «Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.» «That’s mighty nice of you, » Willis answered, «but I don’t think Pa would like … Читать далее
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, «I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?» Leroy replied, «I’m not sure, What was her maiden name?»
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,» I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able … Читать далее
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite … Читать далее
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Phone Won’t Stop Ringing? Here’s What You Do Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock … Читать далее
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the … Читать далее
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, «Pull, Nellie, pull!» Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, «Pull, Buster, pull!» Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer … Читать далее
9. E-mail flames from some guy named «Fluffy.» 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt. recreational. catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of «CyberDog.» … Читать далее
Casual Fridays: Week 1 — Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 — Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles … Читать далее
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. … Читать далее
Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night. «Sure,» said the farmer, «my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 … Читать далее
How do you get an elephant into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door. How do you get a giraffe into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door. How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge? The door won’t close. How … Читать далее
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.» The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the … Читать далее
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, «You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?» The flattered … Читать далее
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, … Читать далее
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, «You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?» She … Читать далее
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn’t usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, «You know, you … Читать далее
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. «Welcome to Heaven,» said St. Peter. «Before you get settled in though, it seems we have … Читать далее
A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked «Who’s that you’re drawing, son?» The son answered, «God.» «Don’t be silly,» reproved the mother. «Nobody knows what God looks like.» Not even pausing in his task, the … Читать далее
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner «Mom & Pop» grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. «Oh, no laundry,» the boy said, «I’m going to … Читать далее
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, «Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?» «Yes, dear,» replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it. «But then when … Читать далее
The man with his son came to the zoo. The mother asks the son later: -Honey, what animal do you like best of all in the zoo? -The tiger! -and who does your father like best of all? -The kitty! -What Kitty? Are there any cats in the zoo? -No, but my father likes the … Читать далее
A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, «What’s the problem, Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.» «Well, uh, yes, it is.» replied Carol. «I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.» «Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,» said the teacher, «but this once … Читать далее
How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight? He enters a duck. How can you tell if a Pole is present? He bets money on the duck. How can you tell if an Italian is present? The duck wins.
Nuns First Hot Dog Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, «I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.» «Odd,» her companion replies, «but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.» Nodding emphatically, the … Читать далее
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both … Читать далее
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door. The owner of the restaurant says, «Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying … Читать далее
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it’s getting worse. Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and … Читать далее
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it … Читать далее
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, «You know, a pint goes flat after … Читать далее
Well the King’s daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn’t want his princess to be an old maid. The princess wasn’t the most beautiful of women, and wasn’t having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand. He had flyers printed up and … Читать далее
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. «Do you always carry such heavy luggage?» she sighed. «No more,» the man said. «Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner … Читать далее
As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, «And what would you like for Christmas?» The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: «Didn’t you get my E-mail?»
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, … Читать далее
A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool. The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the … Читать далее
So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you’d describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, «Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail.» Ralph replies «Make up … Читать далее
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: —————— Sooflay…………………..the restauranteur Guday……………………. the half-Australian brother Huray……………………. the sports fanatic Bejay……………………..the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay…………….the twins from the African mother Sayhay…………………….the baseball player Ojay………………………the stalker / … Читать далее
All marriages are happy — it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control. Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me … Читать далее
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she … Читать далее
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture at an outdoor children’s concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which … Читать далее
«Say, how old are you anyway?» the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. «Thirteen.» she replied with a shy smile. «Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?» he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the … Читать далее
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what’s going on. He tells his mother «Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.» «Johnny you … Читать далее
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar … Читать далее
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. «Your holiness,» said one of the Cardinals, «Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.» The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held … Читать далее
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. «Paddy,» says Murphy, «I’ve got a problem.» «What’s the matter?» replies Paddy «Oi’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.» «What’s the picture of?» asks Paddy «It’s of a big cockerel,» Murphy replies. Paddy says, «Alroight, … Читать далее
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.»My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure.» she lamented to the woman next to her. «Well,» the lady replied, «what’s wrong with that?» «He likes to do it while … Читать далее
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, «We have the Parthenon» The Italian says, «We have the Colosseum» The Greek says «We had great Mathematicians» The Italian says «We had the Roman Empire» …and so on and so on and then the Greek says: … Читать далее
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can’t march. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: What do … Читать далее