Jokes about Dumb Irishmen

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1. Humor about Dumb Irishmen The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. “Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the […]...
2. A life-long city man, tired of the rat race A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a […]...
3. Best advice possible Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, “You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.” After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where […]...
4. A farmer comes home with a lively young bull A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He’s letting them hang around for old times’ sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw […]...
5. A judge asked a defendant to please stand A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a […]...
6. Jokes About The Irishmen “Hey,” said a new arrival in the pub, “I’ve got some great Irish jokes.” “Before you start,” said the big bloke in the corner, “, I’m Irish.” “Don’t worry,” said the newcomer, “I’ll tell them slowly.” Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the […]...
7. At night court, a man was brought in and set At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”...
8. Spain Jokes Spanish dining An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. “These, senor,” replied the waiter in broken English, “are the arms of the bull killed in the ring today.” The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the […]...
9. A tough case was being argued in court A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. “The judge’ll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We’re dead!” “I don’t think so,” his attorney told him. “I sent it in […]...
10. At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women: Defendant: “Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.” Judge: “Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?” Defendant: “No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn’t know there would be women on the jury. Since […]...
11. A caring son It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.” “That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like […]...
12. Travel with a horse An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer […]...
13. Stupid people stories 02 Stupid people DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the […]...
14. Attempts by the dumb SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN – August 1, 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP) – Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled […]...
15. Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with […]...
16. Перевод слова farmer Farmer – фермер Перевод слова Cattle farmer – скотовод, владелец животноводческой фермы collective farmer – колхозник truck farmer – огородник They work for a Farmer. Они работают у фермера. The Farmer cut at the snake with a stick. Фермер ударил змею палкой. The Farmer hitched the cart to his best horse. Фермер впряг в телегу […]...
17. Перевод слова judge Judge – судья; судить, оценивать, порицать Перевод слова Presiding judge – председательствующий судья to judge whether Smith is right or wrong – судить, прав Смит или неправ I judged him to be about 50 – мне показалось, что ему около пятидесяти judge not, that ye be not judged – не судите, да не судимы будете […]...
18. Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. “Ah, will you look at that?” One ditch digger said. “What’s our world comin’ to when men of th’ cloth are visitin’ such places?” A short time later, […]...
19. A farmer walked into an attorney office A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.” The attorney said, “well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, ” No, […]...
20. Перевод слова alcohol Alcohol – алкоголь, спирт Перевод слова Absolute alcohol – чистый спирт denatured alcohol – денатурат methyl alcohol – метиловый спирт alcohol addict – алкоголик I abstain from Alcohol. Я воздерживаюсь от алкоголя. Alcohol fogs his brain. Алкоголь затуманивает его мозги. His breath stank of Alcohol. От него воняло перегаром. Примеры из жизни Обратите внимание, что […]...
21. Значение идиомы shoot the breeze [shoot the breeze] or [bat the breeze] or [fan the breeze] or[shoot the bull] {v. phr.}, {slang} To talk. Jim shot the breezewith his neighbor while the children were playing. Come into thekitchen and we’ll bat the breeze over a cup of coffee. The womenwere shooting the breeze about Jim’s latest trouble with the police. […]...
22. Newly issued alcohol warnings The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a […]...
23. A peasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree”, sighed the pheasant, “but I haven”t got the energy”. Well, why don”t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They”re packed with nutrients”. The pheasant pecked at […]...
24. Amusing Jokes about the Irish Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a […]...
25. Excerpts from the rural life A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “Ok, old fellow, time to retire.” The old rooster says “You can’t handle all these chickens….look at what it did to me!” The young rooster replies, “Now, […]...
26. Did you kill the victim? Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!...
27. Перевод слова bull Bull – бык, буйвол Перевод слова Elephant bull – слон-самец raging bull – свирепый бык bull calf – бычок, глупец, простофиля He was treed by a Bull. Бык загнал его на дерево. The Bull bellowed Бык взревел. He was attacked and gored by a Bull. На него напал бык и а забодал его. Примеры из […]...
28. Перевод слова blind Blind – слепой Перевод слова Blind obedience – слепое повиновение blind asylum – приют для слепых blind panic – дикая паника blind chance – слепой случай He was Blinded by love. Он был ослеплен любовью. She was Blind with tears. Она ничего не видела, ее глаза были полны слез....
29. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace […]...
30. Jokes about the Stupid Irish A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”. The man says “Sorry – we’re right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and […]...
31. A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life. While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to […]...
32. Warning labels If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let’s at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major […]...
33. Пословица / поговорка blind leading the blind / blind leaders of the blind – перевод и значение, пример использования Пословица / поговорка: blind leading the blind / blind leaders of the blind Перевод: слепой ведет слепого Пример: It was the blind leading the blind when the teacher who could not cook was asked to teach the cooking class. Ситуация была такая, что слепой вел слепого, когда учителя, который не умел готовить, попросили вести кулинарные […]...
34. A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues […]...
35. Nicolas Cage on Turning Down ‘Dumb & Dumber,’ Winning Another Oscar and the Movie that Made Him Change His Name While promoting “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence,” the actor discussed his former friendship with Jim Carrey, and why he hated making “Fast Times At Ridgemont High.” Nicolas Cage may be known for his tough-guy roles in action films like Face/Off, Gone in Sixty Seconds and National Treasure. But, if things had gone differently, he may […]...
36. Youth Problems В топике Проблемы молодежи рассматриваются проблемы подростков. Чаще всего преступления совершают дети из малообеспеченных и неблагополучных семей, и многие подростки, страдающие от наркотической или алкогольной зависимости, просто этого не понимают. Иногда подростки не справляются сами со своими проблемами, впадают в депрессию и кончают жизнь самоубийством. Общество должно проявить заботу и понимание подобных проблем подрастающего поколения. […]...
37. Значение идиомы fly blind [fly blind] {v. phr.} 1. To fly an airplane by instruments alone. In the heavy fog he had to fly blind. 2. {informal} To do somethingwithout understanding what you are doing. I’m glad the car runsnow; I was flying blind when I fixed it. He’s flying blind when hetalks about philosophy....
38. You could Feed them a lot Faster There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would […]...
39. Neighborhood jokes 1) Got a neighbor that’s a real pain in the ass? Do they have a lawn? Do they have a garden that’s accessible? Yes to all the above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them water their lawn! Nuff […]...
40. Perot corn Two farmers were talking at the general store. One farmer says to the other, “Did you hear about that new variety of corn called Perot corn?” The second farmer replies,”No I ain’t.” The first farmer says, “Yeah, it’s a big yielding variety. The stalk don’t grow too big, but the ears are tremendous!”...