Going crazy with confusion

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1. Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversationTwo men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, «You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter ... Читать далее...
2. Passing an examThree patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking ... Читать далее...
3. Crazy people talkA doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient ... Читать далее...
4. Interviewing crazyA man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. «Tell me,» said he, «if we release you, as we ... Читать далее...
5. When Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money andWhen Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, «Life isn’t worth living. I think I’m gonna top myself.» «Don’t be stupid, Joe,» said the psychiatrist. «My wife ran ... Читать далее...
6. A psychology student at a local universityA psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered «When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.» ... Читать далее...
7. There was this man in a mental hospitalThere was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. ... Читать далее...
8. Slight confusionOne night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A. M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,»Honey, can you go over ... Читать далее...
9. Английские слова и словосочетания на тему семьи и родственниковСемья, родственники Father — отец Dad / Daddy — папа Mother — мать Mum / mummy / mom — мама Parents — родители Child / kid — ребенок Children / kids — дети Baby — грудной ребенок Son [ ‘sʌn ] — сын Daughter [ ‘dɔ:tə ] — дочь Brother — брат Sister — сестра ... Читать далее...
10. A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGEGetting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, «Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?» The other replied, ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод слова grandsonGrandson — внук Перевод слова Great-grandson — правнук Is your Grandson walking yet? Твой внук уже ходит? My Grandson never fails to phone me on my birthday. Мой внук, всегда звонит мне на мой день рождения. This book went over big with my 10 year old Grandson. Эта книга очень понравилась моему десятилетнему внуку....
12. A man was taking his wifeA man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, «Don’t worry, everybody ... Читать далее...
13. Слова на тему «Семья, родственники»Aunt — тетя [‘ɑ:nt] baby — грудной ребенок [ˈbābē] boyfriend — возлюбленный, молодой человек [ˈboiˌfrend] brother — брат [ˈbrəT͟Hər] brother-in-law — зять (муж сестры) / шурин (брат жены) / свояк (муж свояченицы) / деверь (брат мужа) child / kid — ребенок children / kids — дети cousin — двоюродный брат, двоюродная сестра [‘kʌzn] dad / ... Читать далее...
14. Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he’s a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs....
15. A blonde is speaking to her psychiatristA blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. «I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.» Psychiatrist: «Don’t you have a phone in your car?» Blonde: «That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.» Psychiatrist: ... Читать далее...
16. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voiceA man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: «Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.» The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile ... Читать далее...
17. Naming the kidsOne day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard’s idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing ... Читать далее...
18. What is the timeA man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, «Pardon me, sir, but do you ... Читать далее...
19. John and David were both patients in a Mental hospitalJohn and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. ... Читать далее...
20. When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longerWhen the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient’s wife ... Читать далее...
21. Double vodkaA guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman «Give me six double vodka.» The barman says «Wow! you must have had one really bad day.» «Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.» The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same ... Читать далее...
22. A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his homeA hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, «When did you bag him?» The host said proudly, «That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.» «What’s he stuffed with,» asked the visiting hunter. «My ex-wife» ... Читать далее...
23. HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! (The Thanksgiving Special) Step 1:Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step ... Читать далее...
24. Перевод слова institutionInstitution — учреждение; установление, введение; обычай Перевод слова The institution of customs and rules — введение обычаев и правил the institution of marriage — институт брака corporate institution — корпоративное учреждение This programme is fully accredited by the Institution of Electrical Engineers. Эта программа полностью соответствует стандартам Института инженеров-электриков. Family visits are a Thanksgiving Institution. ... Читать далее...
25. A little girl was out with her GrandmotherA little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. «What are they doing, Grandma?» asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, «The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.» They’re ... Читать далее...
26. What Not to Name Your DogEverybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog «Sex». When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said «I’d like one too.» But then I said «This is a dog.» He said he didn’t care what she looked ... Читать далее...
27. Перевод слова grandmotherGrandmother — бабушка Перевод слова To hug one’s grandmother — обнять свою бабушку teach grandmother — яйца курицу не учат; учить старшего; учить ученого great-grandmother — прабабка Grandmother dotes on the twins. Бабушка без ума от близнецов. She was named for her Grandmother. Ее назвали в честь бабушки. Her Grandmother must be pushing 75. Ее ... Читать далее...
28. Scared sleepingShakey went to a psychiatrist. «Doc,» he said, «I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. «you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!» «Just put yourself in my hands for two ... Читать далее...
29. An elderly patient needed a heart transplantAn elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, «We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd ... Читать далее...
30. Nauseous sexPatient: Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach. Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it. Patient sticks out his tongue…...
31. Jones is driving past the state mental hospitalJones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for ... Читать далее...
32. A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatristA very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, «Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?» «I’m sure I can,» the psychiatrist replied. «Just ... Читать далее...
33. A henpecked husbandA henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. «You don’t have to let your wife bully you,» he said. «Go home and show her you’re the boss.» The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, «From now ... Читать далее...
34. Marriage quotes 03There was a man who said, «I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!» Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. When a ... Читать далее...
35. A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surpriseA married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. «What color?» they asked. He settled for white. «How much does it cost?» he asked. «Twenty dollars.» «Very good,» he thought. All that ... Читать далее...
36. A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimedA psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, «I heard you died.» «But you see I’m alive,» smiled the friend. «Impossible,» said the psychiatrist. «The man who told me is much more reliable than you.»...
37. A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get marriedA middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, «Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.» The startled groom says «How can that be? You’ve been married twice…» The bride responds… ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод слова patientPatient — пациент Перевод слова Refer a patient to a specialist — направить больного к специалисту chronic patient — человек, страдающий хроническим заболеванием acute patient — больной в тяжелом состоянии The Patient made a quick recovery. Пациент быстро выздоравливал. The Patient cannot walk yet. Пациент пока что не может ходить. The Patient was attended by ... Читать далее...
39. Marriage quotes 05Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22 Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. Don’t marry for money; ... Читать далее...
40. A family — СемьяWhen two persons are married, the man is called the husband; the woman becomes his wife. When a child is born in the family, the father and mother of the child are called parents. A family generally consists of a father, a mother and children — sons or daughters or both. The first born child ... Читать далее...