Getting a new deputy

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1. ‘Twas the Night After Christmas ‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had […]...
2. A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened? The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, […]...
3. A woman was thinking about finding a pet A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large […]...
4. Working from a Home Office Adrina: So this is your new home office. It’s nice. Victor: It’s Functional, and I like it. When my company decided to lower its Overhead by Decentralizing, it gave employees the option to work from home. When I heard that, I didn’t Think twice about making the change. Adrina: I’m not surprised. Lots of people […]...
5. Abraham Lincoln (2) Abraham Lincoln was the son of a poor farmer. He was born in 1809 and his childhood was spent in hard work. He helped his father on their small farm. But in 1816, when Abraham was only 7 years old, his father lost his farm and his family moved to another part of the country. […]...
6. Rooms in a House I don’t like cats. That’s not really true. I like cats, but they don’t like me. Last week, my friend Sara asked me To babysit her cat for two days while she was out of town. Normally, I would have said no, but she was In a jam, so I said okay. As I said, […]...
7. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
8. Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. “Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling […]...
9. It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby. They waded through […]...
10. Перевод слова pool Pool – бассейн, озерцо, пруд Перевод слова Pool of blood – лужа крови depth of a pool – глубина бассейна outdoor swimming pool – открытый плавательный бассейн freshwater pool – озерцо с пресной водой Everyone jumped into the Pool. Все запрыгнули в бассейн. He shoved me into the Pool. Он столкнул меня в бассейн. The […]...
11. Перевод слова hall Hall – зал, холл Перевод слова Concert hall – концертный зал dance hall – дансинг, танцевальный зал music hall – мюзик-холл lecture hall – конференц-зал, аудитория The Hall was half-empty. Зал был наполовину пуст. This Hall will seat 5000. В этом зале 5000 мест. He stopped amidmost of the Hall. Он остановился посреди зала....
12. Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked […]...
13. Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95 Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Isaac is incredulous. ‘Pop,’ he says, ‘you can’t run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.’ But Abraham, the man […]...
14. How did you do that?? Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. “Well, Morrie, how’s your warehouse business going?” . “Oy vey, Abraham, it’s not going so good, we had a flood last week.” “So, Morrie,” whispers Abraham “How do you start a flood?”....
15. There was this boy in high school that was what you would call There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said “Dad look what I made.” So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass […]...
16. Father of my children A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled “Hello” to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him… and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from… so he says…”Sorry….do you […]...
17. Being a Stay-at-Home Dad Gladys: Hi, Dan. I’m surprised to see you here at the supermarket in the middle of the day. Dan: Why? Gladys: I thought you’d be working. Dan: I am working. I’m a Stay-at-home dad and I take care of the kids while my wife goes to work. Gladys: Oh, did you get Laid off from […]...
18. Interviewing crazy A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. “Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we […]...
19. Set up hidden cameras The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. December 18, 1992 Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the […]...
20. Перевод слова minute Minute – минута; мелкий Перевод слова Minute hand – минутная стрелка in a minute – скоро, прямо сейчас to measure very minute changes of temperature – измерять малейшие изменения температуры minute particles of dust – мельчайшие частицы пыли I’ll be back in a Minute. Я вернусь через минуту. Hey, wait a Minute! Эй, подождите минутку! […]...
21. Значение идиомы car pool [car pool] {n.} A group of people who own cars and take turns driving each other to work or on some other regular trip. It was John’s father’s week to drive his own car in the car pool....
22. Who keeps saying those things A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard […]...
23. My daughter is your reward Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests. . . I have a proposition to […]...
24. First grade romance An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother. “It wasn’t easy,” admitted her daughter, “but three girls helped me catch him....
25. Driving home very drunk It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before […]...
26. Three different kinds of sex Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there’s House Sex: That’s when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime – much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That’s when […]...
27. A psychology student at a local university A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered “When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.” […]...
28. Staying In It’s Friday night and my Roommate and I feel like Staying in. We’ve both had a Tough week at work and decided to have a Low-key evening. On my way home, I stopped at the Video rental store And rented a couple of movies. I got a New release and a Classic. I thought I […]...
29. Snooping and Eavesdropping Enrique: I don’t know how you Talked me into coming with you to Dan’s apartment To rifle through his papers. This Snooping is stupid! If you have Suspicions, you should just talk to him. Stella: Confront him without any evidence? That would be the Height of stupidity. Enrique: Instead, we’re Holed up in this closet […]...
30. Cop wants an excuse A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway – […]...
31. Pray hard A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, […]...
32. Everybody’s doing it This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water. “That’s ridiculous!” he shouted at the pool manager. “Everybody does it, you know.” “That may be so,” came the reply, “but usually not from the diving board.”...
33. Guilty Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. “Ladies and gentlemen […]...
34. Blonde on blonde A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally […]...
35. These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home […]...
36. Having Car Trouble As I was driving home from work, my car started Acting up. It was making a strange noise and the engine was Running roughly. When I got home, I Popped Open the Hood to see if there was anything wrong. After looking around for a few minutes and not seeing anything, I decided to take […]...
37. Getting an Interview I’ve finally Landed my first interview. Well, actually, that’s not really true. I have been on many interviews for Part-time jobs. This was my first interview for a Full-time job. In less than two months, I will graduate from Arizona University. After a lot of Back and forth trying to decide on a Major, I […]...
38. Working as a Street Performer Giancarlo: Whoa, where are you going? I thought we were going To hang out. Alana: I’m going to work. Giancarlo: Work? I didn’t know you got a job. Alana: I’m Busking on Main Street. Giancarlo: You mean you’re Panhandling? That’s not working. Alana: I’m not panhandling. I’m working for Tips. I perform, try To draw […]...
39. A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think […]...
40. A man is driving down the road for a long period of time A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says,”Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception. […]...