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German Jokes

Q: How does a German eat mussels

A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* … AUFMACHEN!!!

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Q: What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?

A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

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Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?

Germans like to march in the shade.

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After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be – Bonn or Berlin – a compromise was struck: Paris.

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Belgium’s national motto:

Belgium: Gateway to France!

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Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

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Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian?

A: Only the first one can make you smile.

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Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake?

A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!

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Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini?

A: About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel

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Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.

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Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave?

A: It’s got ten seats inside.

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Q: Why don’t Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?

A: They give them gas.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

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“Two Martinis, bitte.”

“Dry?”

“Nein, I said TWO!”

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Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?

So they won’t have to go around being nice while they fix them.

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Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Gestapo

Gestapo who?

Ve Vill ask ze Questions!


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  1. Перевод слова German German – немецкий, немец, немецкий язык Перевод слова New word of German mintage – новое слово немецкого происхождения an obscure German poet – малоизвестный немецкий поэт words borrowed from the German – слова, заимствованные из немецкого the Germans – немцы He improved his German. Он продвинулся в изучении немецкого языка. He is originally German. Он […]...
  2. A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: “They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!” The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly […]...
  3. France Jokes Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris? A: He was declared to be in Seine. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...
  4. German Corporate Culture – Немецкая корпоративная культура German Corporate Culture differs from Anglo-American Corporate Culture significantly. The main difference is that the controlling and managing functions are divided between two branches of authorities. So the management system consists of 2 parts: the Supervision Council and the Governance Cabinet. In German Corporate Culture control share holding is concentrated in the hands of wealthy […]...
  5. A German shepherd went to a Western Union office A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof.. woof..woof…woof.” The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied “What, and ruin the punchline?!”...
  6. Japan Jokes The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for […]...
  7. German Shepard on Golf Course A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse […]...
  8. How the creators of Airplane! pulled off one of the funniest jokes we’ve ever heard Holy hell! This is one of the funniest stories we’ve heard in a long time. Ask yourself, “how far are you willing to go for a joke?” Once you’ve determined that, realize that David Zucker is willing to take it even further. First some background. David Zucker and his brother Jerry Zucker are part of […]...
  9. Knock Knock Christmas Knock Knock Who’s there? Wenceslas Wenceslas who? Wenceslas train home? Knock Knock Who’s there? Snow Snow who? Snow business like show business! Knock Knock Who’s there? Wayne Wayne who? Wayne in a manger… ! Knock Knock Who’s there? Donut Donut who? Donut open till Christmas! Knock Knock Who’s there? Oakham Oakham who? Oakham all ye […]...
  10. Chaim escapes from a mental hospital Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, “Are you Jewish?” The man says, “No.” Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, “You wouldn’t happen to be Jewish would you?” The man replies, “No!” […]...
  11. London Traffic London is so large that visitors must learn to use buses and the underground to get about. London taxis are too expensive for any but the rich. You can get a map of the underground and the bus routes at any ticket office. The word “Underground” across a large circle shows you where the stations […]...
  12. Значение идиомы shopping center [shopping center] {n.} A place usually for neighborhood shopping, where there is a group of stores and shops inside of a large parkinglot. There is a bowling alley at the nearest shopping center. All the stores in our shopping center stay open until nine o’clock onFriday evenings....
  13. More dorm jokes I can’t resist a few: 1. Once you have stolen a dormmate’s room keys, the room is yours to plunder. As a variation, steal the dorm keys but reverse the lock (so the keyhole faces INTO the room); we had a mechanical engineer who got this down to about 20 seconds. Then loudly announce to […]...
  14. Hitler and the Eiffel Tower Adolf Hitler and his entourage pose in front of the Eiffel Tower shortly after the fall of France. One of the most recognized structures in the world is located in Paris, France. With just those clues alone (well and the title of the post…) many have already guessed that this post is about the Eiffel […]...
  15. Значение идиомы off one’s rocker [off one’s rocker] or [off one’s trolley] {adj. phr.}, {informal}Not thinking correctly; crazy; silly; foolish. Tom is off hisrocker if he thinks he can run faster than Bob can. If you thinkyou can learn to figure skate in one lesson, you’re off your trolley. Syn.: OUT OF ONE’S HEAD....
  16. Jokes of science 02 The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist’s office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. “Hmmm,” says the theorist, “That’s exactly where you’d expect to see that peak. Here’s the reason (long logical explanation follows).” In the middle of it, the experimentalist says “Wait a minute”, studies the chart for a second, and […]...
  17. Jokes About The Irishmen “Hey,” said a new arrival in the pub, “I’ve got some great Irish jokes.” “Before you start,” said the big bloke in the corner, “, I’m Irish.” “Don’t worry,” said the newcomer, “I’ll tell them slowly.” Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the […]...
  18. A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting. “Why not?” said I. “Let her marry a Gentile boy. I’m all […]...
  19. Banjo Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that’s not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it. Q: How can you tell the stage you’re playing on is level? A: The banjo player is drooling out of […]...
  20. England Jokes Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...
  21. Q & A Iraqi War Jokes Q: What’s the national bird of Iraq? A: DUCK! – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Q: What’s the fastest way to […]...
  22. Перевод слова difference Difference – различие, разница, несходство Перевод слова Difference of opinion – расхождение во мнениях difference of five pounds – разница в пять фунтов to have a difference with smb. – поспорить с кем-л. It makes no Difference. Какая разница? Can you taste the Difference? Вы можете почувствовать разницу? It makes a vast Difference. Это значительно […]...
  23. What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? An Italian mother says, “If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill you.” A Jewish mother says, “If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill myself.”...
  24. Перевод слова France France – Франция Перевод слова To go to France – поехать во Францию newly returned from France – недавно вернувшийся из Франции truncheon of a Marshal of France – жезл маршала Франции Have you ever been to France? Ты когда-нибудь был во Франции? Calais served as a key to France. Кале служило входными воротами во […]...
  25. Перевод слова knock Knock – стук, удар; бить, вбивать Перевод слова To knock at the door – постучаться to knock out an electron – выбивать электрон to knock down a hurdle – сбить препятствие to knock a nail in – вбить гвоздь Knock on the door before you enter the room. Стучите в дверь, прежде чем войти в […]...
  26. Russia Jokes What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – […]...
  27. The astronomy jokes NASA just disclosed details why the rover wouldn’t accept any commands. They took a picture of the rover’s built-in display which showed a windows screen and the text “press any key to continue”. It is not conclusive yet, but the NASA believes the Mars Pathfinder has found proof of life on Mars. The cd player […]...
  28. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
  29. Hacker fakes German minister’s fingerprints using photos of her hands Jan Krissler used high resolution photos, including one from a government press office, to successfully recreate the fingerprints of Germany’s defence minister. It’s an old cliché of security researchers: fingerprints might appear more secure than passwords. But if your password gets stolen, you can change it to a new one; what happens when your fingerprint […]...
  30. Перевод слова inside Inside – внутри, внутрь, внутренний, секретный Перевод слова To be inside – быть в помещении to go inside – войти в помещение inside information – секретные сведения the inside of the house – внутренние помещения дома Look Inside. Загляни внутрь. The door bolts from Inside. Эта дверь запирается изнутри. I happen to know the Inside. […]...
  31. Значение идиомы inside out [inside out] {adv.} 1. So that the inside is turned outside. Mother turns the stockings inside out when she washes them. 2. or[inside and out] also [in and out] In every part; throughout;completely. David knows the parts of his bicycle inside out. Wesearched the house inside and out for the kitten. Compare: BACKWARDSAND FORWARDS, INS […]...
  32. Jewish fly A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in […]...
  33. What’s on your back Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?” The German responds, “I will take oil!” So they put oil on his back, and […]...
  34. Значение идиомы inside of [inside of] {prep.} In; within; on or in an inside part of; notbeyond; before the end of. There is a broom inside of the closet. There is a label on the inside of the box. Hand your papers into me inside of three days. Contrast: OUTSIDE OF....
  35. Значение идиомы knock one’s block off [knock one’s block off] {v. phr.}, {slang} To hit someone veryhard; beat someone up. Stay out of my yard or I’ll knock your blockoff. Jim will knock your block off if he catches you riding hisbike....
  36. Перевод слова shopping Shopping – покупка товаров, шопинг Перевод слова Shopping street – торговая улица to do one’s shopping – делать покупки she’s out shopping – она пошла по магазинам I am just raring to go Shopping. Мне просто не терпится отправиться в поход по магазинам. I need to go shopping this Afternoon. Днем мне нужно сходить за […]...
  37. Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?” Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think […]...
  38. Florida Jokes Dumb Florida Laws Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just […]...
  39. Paris shootings survivor sues French media A man who hid from the Charlie Hebdo gunmen is suing French media who revealed his whereabouts. Lilian Lepere stayed under a sink for eight hours after the gunmen began a siege at the printing shop in which he worked in a Paris suburb in January. The men – Said and Cherif Kouachi – had […]...
  40. Some practical jokes Smaller or larger tuxedo A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either […]...
German Jokes
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