Collection 03

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1. Collection 09ClassYou must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning. I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high. In the next life, you’ll blaze a way for us. You are master in your own house — the doghouse! When you die, I’d like ... Читать далее...
2. Collection 11You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough. If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid. I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. You were the answer ... Читать далее...
3. Conversation over dinnerConversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not — don’t you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN: Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) ... Читать далее...
4. A man called the undertaker one afternoonA man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: «Come and bury my wife.» «But I buried your wife ten years ago,» replied the undertaker. «I got married again,» the man sobbed. «Oh,» said the undertaker. «Congratulations.»...
5. Collection 07I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly. I hear you are connected to the Police Department — by a pair of handcuffs. Hello — tall, dark and obnoxious! You remind me of the ocean — you make me sick. You should have been born in the ... Читать далее...
6. Is it worth it?Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. «How old was your husband?» he asked. «He was ninety-eight,» she answered softly. «Two years oder than I am.» «Really?» the undertaker said. «Hardly worth going home, wouldn’t you say?»...
7. Final wishIn a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) ... Читать далее...
8. Collection 01If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair. ... Читать далее...
9. Перевод слова partnerPartner — партнер, соучастник, супруг Перевод слова Dancing partner — партнер по танцам bad partner — сожитель; сожительница a partner in crime — соучастник преступления nominal partner — номинальный член товарищества Assign each student a Partner. Назначьте каждому студенту напарника. Him and me, we Partnered once. Однажды мы с ним имели дело. Set to your ... Читать далее...
10. Little Johny being literalTeacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad’s do for a living. Little Mary says: «My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.» Little Jack says: «My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.» All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. ... Читать далее...
11. Значение идиомы conversation piece[conversation piece] {n.} Something that interests people and makes them talk about it; something that looks unusual, comical, or strange. Uncle Fred has a glass monkey on top of his piano that he keeps for a conversation piece....
12. Collection 02Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that’s the best friend you can get. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how ... Читать далее...
13. Military work rules1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work. 2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We ... Читать далее...
14. Collection 13We know that you would give your life for us. Promise! When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say it was your stupidity. Well, I’ll see you in my dreams — if I eat too much. Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach. ... Читать далее...
15. Collection 05Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. It’s your life — but I wish you’d let us have it. Hey, act your age — senile! I’ve had many cases of love that ... Читать далее...
16. Collection 12What’s the latest dope — besides you? I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture. You don’t believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself. When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you ... Читать далее...
17. Перевод слова sickSick — больной, болезненный Перевод слова Sick condition — болезненное состояние sick years — годы болезни to heal the sick — лечить больных He is off Sick today. Его сегодня нет, он болеет. He was Sick in the car. В машине его стошнило. You’re Sick! Вы ненормальный!...
18. Перевод слова conversationConversation — разговор, беседа Перевод слова Conversation classes — занятия по разговорной практике to hold conversation — вести беседу, разговаривать heart-to-heart conversation — разговор по душам Do you remember our Conversation about that new movie? Вы помните наш разговор о новом фильме? We had a Conversation by e-mail. У нас был разговор по электронной почте. ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод слова replaceReplace — заменять, возвращать Перевод слова To replace the receiver — положить телефонную трубку to replace a tyre — заменить шину buses are replacing the trams — автобусы вытесняют трамваи He Replaced the old razor blade Он заменил старое лезвие бритвы. She was named to Replace him as the company’s vice president. Ее назначили, чтобы ... Читать далее...
20. Collection 10Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance? I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper? You have an inferiority complex — and it’s fully justified. You are not as bad as people say — you are worse! Do you have to leave so soon? ... Читать далее...
21. How Army policy beganThis is Army policy all begins… Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes ... Читать далее...
22. Collection 16At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people — you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one. You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes. They say that travel broadens ... Читать далее...
23. Collection 04I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I’ll think so. Man alive! But I wish you weren’t. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead. Is your ... Читать далее...
24. Collection 08For two cents, I’d give you a piece of my mind — and all of yours. You are the only person I’ve ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the ... Читать далее...
25. A Movie CollectionSome people collect stamps. Other people collect CDs. I collect movies. I’m a film Buff and I have a Collection of my favorite movies of all time. I usually buy a movie when it comes out on DVD, even if I’ve seen it already On the big screen. I have a High definition TV and ... Читать далее...
26. Перевод идиомы make someone sick, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: make someone sick Перевод: вызывать у кого-либо отвращение Пример: The attitude of the woman next door makes me sick. Отношение женщины, которая живет по соседству, вызывает у меня отвращения....
27. A rookie police officer was assignedA rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, «Let’s ... Читать далее...
28. Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on PasswordNancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. It’s her turn to guess the word. Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick! Nancy: Um. . . is it a place? Her partner: No. Nancy: Is it a person? Her partner: No. Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it ... Читать далее...
29. Перевод слова arrangeArrange — приводить в порядок, расставлять, устраивать Перевод слова To arrange by name — упорядочивать по имени to arrange papers — приводить в порядок бумаги to arrange furniture — расставить мебель We Arranged for him to give a concert. Мы организовали его концерт. Everything has been Arranged as you wished. Все было устроено, как вы ... Читать далее...
30. Two couples decide to spend the weekend away togetherTwo couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, «Wow! This is the very best sex I had in ... Читать далее...
31. The moon shown silver on the waters of the lakeThe moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, «Darling am I the first man to make love to you?» Her tone ... Читать далее...
32. Automating ProductionLauren: Wow, that was an impressive demonstration of how Robots can be used in Production. I think that we need robots like those To automate some of the functions in our Factories. Yves: I admit the demonstration was Eye-opening, but I don’t think the technology is there yet to allow us to replace people with ... Читать далее...
33. Fluffy diedThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow ... Читать далее...
34. Collection 14I’ve hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; ... Читать далее...
35. Collection 15If you were a swine, you would be what you are now! You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early. A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. You’re nobody’s fool. Let’s see if we can get someone to adopt ... Читать далее...
36. Collection 06We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!! We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, «Do not come home and all will be forgiven». You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure. I ... Читать далее...
37. Two law partners leave their office and go to lunchTwo law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. «Damn,» he says. «I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.» His partner replies » What are you worried about? We’re both here.»...
38. Giving sad news to a troopThe Captain called the Sergeant in. «Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.» So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. «Listen up, men,» says the Sergeant. «Johnson, report to the mess hall ... Читать далее...
39. Значение идиомы make conversation[make conversation] {v. phr.} To talk with someone just so thatthere will be talk. John made conversation with the stranger sothat he would not feel left out. Mary didn’t really mean what shesaid about Joan. She was only making conversation....
40. One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little JohnnyOne Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said ... Читать далее...