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1. A plane was taking off from Kennedy AirportA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, «Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth ... Читать далее...
2. Jerry Falwell was seated next to President ClintonJerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like drink. The minister replied ... Читать далее...
3. I am called a PrincessThe United Airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, «Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that ... Читать далее...
4. Getting In-Flight ServiceI pushed the Call button to get the attention of the Flight attendant. Flight attendant: Yes? What can I do for you? Hal: It’s very cold in the Cabin. Is it possible to get a Blanket? Flight attendant: We’re out of blankets, but here’s a Pillow. Hal: Okay, thanks. I was asleep during the Meal ... Читать далее...
5. Blind man and guide dog kicked off plane; passengers follow in supportUsually airline passengers side with flight attendants when it comes to safety, but in the case of a US Airways flight Wednesday night, passengers rallied around a blind man and his guide dog and disembarked en masse. All 35 passengers on US Airways Flight 4384 walked off the plane after Albert Rizzi, a blind man ... Читать далее...
6. Chicago JokesA man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary ... Читать далее...
7. Using Electronics on AirplanesFlight attendant: I’m sorry, sir, but all passengers need to turn off their Portable electronic devices for Takeoff, so you’ll need to turn off your Laptop. Alec: I just need to finish one last email. Flight attendant: Sir, we can’t take off until you turn that computer off. Alec: Fine. It’s off. Why all the ... Читать далее...
8. Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendantJust before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. «Superman don’t need no seat belt,» Ali growled. «Well, Superman,» the stewardess replied, «don’t need no airplane!»...
9. Worries while flyingTwo statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that ... Читать далее...
10. No exitAn airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the ... Читать далее...
11. A photographer from a well known national magazineA photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and ... Читать далее...
12. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
13. В самолете (On an aeroplane), лексика и слова по темеA plane (an airplane, an aircraft) — самолет A flight – полет, авиарейс A direct flight – прямой рейс A long-haul flight – дальний рейс A delay — задержка Economy class – эконом класс Business class – бизнес класс A first-class section – кабина первого класса A cockpit – кабина самолета An emergency exit – ... Читать далее...
14. Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came onThirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, «Who turned on the fucking lights!» «Oh, no sir,» the nearest flight attendant replied. «Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the ‘fucking ... Читать далее...
15. A closer callThe Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both ... Читать далее...
16. A blonde went to the appliance store saleA blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. «I would like to buy this TV,» she told the salesman. «Sorry we don’t sell to blondes,» he replied. She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, «I would like to buy this TV.» «Sorry we don’t sell ... Читать далее...
17. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
18. Problems during flightThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight ... Читать далее...
19. Commiting suicideA blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, «You put it around your neck!» The ... Читать далее...
20. Blonde on blondeA blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. «What does it look like?» she finally ... Читать далее...
21. Stuck in a planeGeorge Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. «Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!» ... Читать далее...
22. I was shopping at our local supermarketI was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, «Paper or plastic?» «It doesn’t matter,» she replied, «I’m bisacksual.»...
23. Landing at a hidden military baseYou’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as «Area 51?» Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their «secret» base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The ... Читать далее...
24. A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpyA businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. «Do you always carry such heavy luggage?» she sighed. «No more,» the man said. «Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner ... Читать далее...
25. A pollster was taking opinions outside the United NationsA pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, «Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?» The Saudi replied, ... Читать далее...
26. A blonde came running home to her motherA blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical. «What’s wrong?» her mum, (another blonde) asked. «My boyfriend’s just dropped me!» wailed the blonde. Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees. «No mum,» the blonde interrupted. «You don’t understand — I can fuck and ... Читать далее...
27. There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over AfricaThere was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a ... Читать далее...
28. English vs EbonicsEnglish: This is your Captain speaking, we have leveled off and are cruising at flight level three five zero, feel free to move about the cabin, also the First Officer has turned off the no smoking sign, the flight attendants will be serving cocktails and refreshments momentarily, so just sit back and enjoy the rest ... Читать далее...
29. Flight attendantВ топике Стюардесса я делюсь своей мечтой – стать стюардессой. Эта профессия привлекает меня потому, что я смогу посмотреть новые страны и познакомиться с людьми разных национальностей. Для того чтобы стать стюардессой, нужно хорошо знать английский язык. Кроме того, стюардесса должна быть всегда доброжелательна и вежлива с пассажирами, уметь подать еду и напитки и еще ... Читать далее...
30. Touring WashingtonA blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, «Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?» The officer replied, «Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. ... Читать далее...
31. A man was driving through West VirginiaA man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to. He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, «I’m moving here from the city, what do you guys do around here?» The men answered, «Go hunt’n, kill things, ‘n screw». He then asked, «What do you hunt and kill?» ... Читать далее...
32. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
33. Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedVisiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. «This,» she said, «I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?» «No, madam,» replied the attendant. «That one’s called a mirror.»...
34. Two car salesmen were sitting at the barTwo car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, «Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking arse.» Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. «That’s okay,» the blonde replied, «If ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы root-bound[root-bound] {adj.} 1. Having a limited amount of space for rootgrowth. After seven or eight years day lilies become root-bound andwill not bloom well unless they are divided. 2. Liking the familiarplace where you live and not wanting to go away from it; having asentimental attachment to one place. Mr. Jones has lived inConnecticut all ... Читать далее...
36. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the marketThere was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a ... Читать далее...
37. Young naval studentA young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. «What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?» «Throw out an anchor, sir,» the student replied. «What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?» «Throw out another anchor, sir.» «And if another terrific ... Читать далее...
38. One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart andOne day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was a thermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it to work one day and the ... Читать далее...
39. Humor about Irish Pubs(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. «Jazus Mick…Well have to turn ... Читать далее...
40. Today we are niggersBlack And His Son A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight theres a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. «We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the ... Читать далее...