Amicable old lady

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1. Bring some more ammo The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson’s Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: “Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself.” “By shooting?” reasked the company commander, “Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible.” – – – – – – – […]...
2. An old lady lived by herself in a small house An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he […]...
3. Значение идиомы to pieces [to pieces] {adv. phr.} 1. Into broken pieces or fragments;destroyed. The cannon shot the town to pieces. The vase fell topieces in Mary’s hand. 2. {informal} So as not to work; into a stateof not operating. After 100,000 miles the car went to pieces. When Mary heard of her mother’s death, she went to pieces. […]...
4. One day a lady went to the doctors office One day a lady went to the doctor’s office and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t interested in her any more he just wouldn’t have sex with her anymore. So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that “if you give your […]...
5. Перевод слова awful Awful – ужасный, отвратительный Перевод слова Awful manners – ужасные манеры awful tragedy – ужасная трагедия awful truth – страшная правда My old boss was Awful! Мой прежний босс был ужасен! That joke is just Awful. Эта шутка – просто ужас. I’m Awful sorry. Я ужасно извиняюсь....
6. A little old lady buys a pair of parrots A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn’t […]...
7. Sharing an Apartment I’ve shared a two-bedroom, two-Bath apartment with my Roommate for two years. He was moving to Austin and I Posted a “Roommate wanted” Ad in the local newspaper. I got a few calls, a couple from some very Weird people. Finally, I got a call from Andrew. He seemed normal On the phone and we […]...
8. Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. “It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.” “I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor. “Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at […]...
9. Constipation problem Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. “It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.” “I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor. “Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half – hour in the morning […]...
10. Made for each other A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit – seems they’d matched him up with his wife....
11. It finally dawned “How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone […]...
12. Broken leg “How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d […]...
13. Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: “Oh dear, what happened to you?” Di answers: “I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse”. Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: “My God, you look terrible.” Dodi […]...
14. A young lady had just visited her doctor A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The […]...
15. Значение идиомы listen in [listen in] {v.} 1. To listen to a radio broadcast. We foundthem listening in to the president’s speech. 2. To listen to the talkof others, often to talk that is not intended for your ears;eavesdrop. When Mary talked to her boyfriend on the telephone, herlittle brother listened in....
16. An old lady owned two monkeys An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist. “So you want them mounted?” asked the taxidermist. To which she replied: “No. Holding hands will do just fine.”...
17. This lady who was living in New York City had to get back This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke. One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. “Please I need to get back to England” she pleaded. “If you sneak me […]...
18. The girl knelt in the confessional and said The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” “What is it, child?” “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.” The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and […]...
19. A lady was in a hardware store looking at A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said ‘I am blind drop it on the ground and i’ll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground.’Aahh that’s 10.00.’ She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, […]...
20. Перевод слова broke Broke – безнадежный, бедный Перевод слова To go broke – разориться, обанкротиться stony broke – полностью разоренный the horse broke its leg – лошадь сломала ногу Her car Broke down. Ее машина сломалась. The bank Broke. Банк разорился. Both plans Broke down. Оба плана провалились....
21. An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff. The Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?” “Why, yes, I do,” he replied. “What […]...
22. A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. “Reach up there and find out.” She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, “Oh, it’s gruesome!” “Aye, it has,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put your hand back up there, it’ll grow some more!”...
23. President Carter’s joke In an interview with David Letterman, Carter passed along an anecdote of a translation problem in Japan. Carter was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke. He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story […]...
24. Значение идиомы bless one’s heart [bless one’s heart] {v. phr.} To thank someone; consider one the cause of something good that has happened. Aunt Jane, bless her heart, left me half a million dollars!...
25. Now he’s in trouble A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer?” To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you.” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and […]...
26. Finding the right answers Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn’t ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn’t answer the question and that he shouldn’t […]...
27. A very modest lady applied for a job A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made “Tickle me Elmo dolls”. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls […]...
28. Перевод слова mine Mine – шахта, рудник; добывать; мой, мое Перевод слова To develop a mine – обустраивать шахту to mine diamonds – добывать алмазы abandoned mine – заброшенная шахта it is mine – это мое He is a Mine of information. Он ходячая энциклопедия. This Mine is now laid in. Эта шахта законсервирована. She’s a new love […]...
29. Describing People’s Voices Adriana: Shhh, I’m trying to listen to the radio. Ralph: How can you listen to that radio station? All of their Deejays have such funny voices. Adriana: That’s precisely why I like it. Take this guy, Kevin. He has a Deep, Husky voice that I find really Sexy. Ralph: This guy? His voice is so […]...
30. Значение идиомы last straw [last straw] or [straw that breaks the camel’s back] {n. phr.} Asmall trouble which follows other troubles and makes one lose patienceand be unable to bear them. Bill had a bad day in school yesterday. He lost his knife on the way home, then he fell down, and when hebroke a shoe lace, that was […]...
31. There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up. While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, “God bless you children, that’s Christianity at work. May the lord bless […]...
32. Значение идиомы cut to pieces [cut to pieces] {v. phr.} 1. To divide into small parts with something sharp; cut badly or completely. Baby has cut the newspaper to pieces with scissors. 2. To destroy or defeat completely. The soldiers were cut to pieces by the Indians. When Dick showed his book report to his big sister for correction, she […]...
33. Перевод слова dear Dear – дорогой, милый, дорогая, милая Перевод слова Dear mother – милая мамочка o dear! o god! – о боже! a dear little thing – прелестная вещица Be a Dear and make me a coffee. Будь душкой и сделай мне кофе. Can I help you, Dear? Я могу тебе помочь, дорогая? What’s your name, Dear? […]...
34. A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three […]...
35. Значение идиомы fall in for [fall in for] {v.} To receive; get. The boy fell in for somesympathy when he broke his leg. The team manager fell in for mostof the blame when his team lost the playoffs....
36. A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that […]...
37. Listening to the Radio Kurt: Turn that radio down! Gloria: No way! I’m listening to a Simulcast of a performance and it’s Live. Kurt: Is it on Campus radio? Gloria: No, it’s on the Public radio Station. I finally got good Reception after putting this long Antenna outside my window and I’m not turning it off now. Kurt: You […]...
38. I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at […]...
39. Nice, but rough An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. “Oh, thank you!” said the elephant. “My, pleasure ma’am.” said the […]...
40. Preparing for a Disaster Lilly: Quick, we need to go get some supplies. I was listening to Talk radio on my way home from work and this guy was on talking about how Doomsday is coming and we need to prepare. Paul: Oh no, not this again. You have to stop listening to that Garbage on the radio. Listen, […]...