Alcohol vs Women

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1. A substitute for womenA guy says, «I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.» «Yeah what happened?» asked his friend. The first guy replies, «Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.»...
2. Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the verandaTwo elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, «Darling, do you remember the minuet?» The other replies, «Sweetheart, I can’t even remember the ones I screwed!»...
3. Перевод слова alcoholAlcohol — алкоголь, спирт Перевод слова Absolute alcohol — чистый спирт denatured alcohol — денатурат methyl alcohol — метиловый спирт alcohol addict — алкоголик I abstain from Alcohol. Я воздерживаюсь от алкоголя. Alcohol fogs his brain. Алкоголь затуманивает его мозги. His breath stank of Alcohol. От него воняло перегаром. Примеры из жизни Обратите внимание, что ... Читать далее...
4. Newly issued alcohol warningsThe Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a ... Читать далее...
5. 3 pregnant women were waiting3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies. Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one… «What was that?», the other two ask, curiously. «Calcium tablet. Good ... Читать далее...
6. Women’s instructionsWOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So ... Читать далее...
7. Cleverest women are the heaviest drinkersThose with degrees are almost twice as likely to drink daily, and they are also more likely to admit to having a drinking problem. A similar link between educational attainment and alcohol consumption is seen among men, but the correlation is less strong. The findings come from a comprehensive study carried out at the London ... Читать далее...
8. An elderly couple in a senior homeAn elderly couple in a senior’s home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys’s penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. «What’s she got that I ... Читать далее...
9. Three Irish women were discussing their respective matesCould this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus? Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea. «I call my man ‘Eight,’ » said the first woman, «Because he’s got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.» The second woman said in response, «I call my ... Читать далее...
10. Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinksThree women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, ... Читать далее...
11. Warning labelsIf government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let’s at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major ... Читать далее...
12. The alcohol troubleDuring grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols: The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of ... Читать далее...
13. Try to explain womenA man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. «Sure,» GOD says, «Go right ahead». «OK,» the man says. «Why did you make women so pretty?» GOD says, «So you would like them.» «OK,» the guy says. «But how come you ... Читать далее...
14. Understanding Men and WomenLucy: Jeff, Here’s a question. I was Just talking to Dawn. You know, they had their first Wedding anniversary last week. Guess what her husband gave her as a present. Jeff: I don’t know. What? Lucy: He gave her a Vacuum cleaner. Jeff: Didn’t she want a vacuum cleaner? Lucy: Yes, the old one was ... Читать далее...
15. Tell about a haircutThe story of someone getting a haircut. Women’s version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut ... Читать далее...
16. The room was full of pregnant women and their partnersThe room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. «Ladies, exercise is good for you,» announced the teacher. «Walking is especially ... Читать далее...
17. Топик «International Women’s Day (8 March) / Международный Женский День (8 Марта)»Словарь A present [ˈprez(ə)nt] — подарок To congratulate [kənˈɡrætjʊleɪt] — праздновать To wash up — мыть посуду To celebrate [ˈselɪbreɪt] — праздновать Almost [ˈɔːlməʊst] — почти Lay the table [leɪ ðə ˈteɪb(ə)l] — накрывать на стол The 8th of March is a great official holiday for all women. It began in 1909 by women in ... Читать далее...
18. Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’sJust after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away ... Читать далее...
19. Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the fieldTwo Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said «These potatoes remind me of Emil’s balls» «Are they that big?» asked the other. «No they’re this dirty.»...
20. Алкоголь/ AlcoholНа английском языке Перевод на русский язык Alcohol Алкоголь Health is the main value in every person’s life. It is important to take good care of it and to avoid bad habits, such as alcohol misuse, drug abuse, smoking, etc. One of the most harmful effects on our body is caused by drinking alcohol. Some ... Читать далее...
21. I’ve never understood why women love catsI’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, ... Читать далее...
22. At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 womenAt a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women: Defendant: «Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.» Judge: «Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?» Defendant: «No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn’t know there would be women on the jury. Since ... Читать далее...
23. Insulting to womenThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Bangkok, Thailand A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses. «We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses ... Читать далее...
24. Значение идиомы neck[neck] See: BREATHE DOWN ONE’S NECK, BREAK ONE’S NECK, CATCH IT INTHE NECK or GET IT IN THE NECK, PAIN IN THE NECK, SAVE ONE’S NECK, STICK ONE’S NECK OUT....
25. What causes people to have arthritisA man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the ... Читать далее...
26. What causes arthritis?A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled ... Читать далее...
27. A blonde with two red ears went to her doctorA blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, «I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang — but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.» «Oh Dear!» the ... Читать далее...
28. Перевод слова substituteSubstitute — заменять, заместитель, суррогат Перевод слова Cheap substitute — дешевый заменитель substitute for sugar — заменитель сахара to be appointed smb.’s substitute — быть назначенным чьим-л. заместителем The recipe says you can Substitute yoghurt for the sour cream. В рецепте сказано, что вы можете заменить сметану йогуртом. Chivers Substituted for Clarke after the half-time ... Читать далее...
29. Getting in an accidentA Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, «So you’re a ... Читать далее...
30. Talking About Attractive Men and WomenPamela: You know that your tongue is hanging out of your mouth, right? David: That’s because I’ve never seen so many beautiful women in one place before. Why have I never been to this beach before? Look at her! She’s a Hottie! Pamela: Isn’t that what you said about that woman over there? David: No, ... Читать далее...
31. Camel DiedCamel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun «I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and ... Читать далее...
32. «Вредные привычки: курение, алкоголь, наркотики» (Bad habits: smoking, alcohol, drugs)We all have habits, good or bad. Some of them are a bit strange: reading magazines back to front, for instance. Others can be annoying: like biting your nails or being always late. You are lucky if you have only good and healthy habits: jogging every morning or brushing your teeth after meals. Unfortunately many ... Читать далее...
33. Education for womenContinuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His ... Читать далее...
34. A game of golfA man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. «Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,» replied his friend. «Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. ... Читать далее...
35. A Lutheran minister is driving downA Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, «Sir, have you been drinking?» And the minister says, «Just water.» The ... Читать далее...
36. Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up andCharlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. ... Читать далее...
37. Three guys are discussing womenThree guys are discussing women. «I like to watch a woman’s tits best,» the first guy says. The second says «I like to look at a woman’s ass.» He asks the third guy «What about you?». «Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.»...
38. Get me something cheapAfter being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. «How about some perfume?» he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. «That’s a bit much,» said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. «Thats ... Читать далее...
39. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his motherA young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, «Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.» The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women ... Читать далее...
40. A pushA man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. «I’m not getting out of bed at this time,» he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. «Aren’t you going to ... Читать далее...