A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates

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1. Qualifying for Heaven Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They […]...
2. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. “Now, […]...
3. Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. “‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.” “And what do you want?” asked St. Peter. “Lemme in!” replied Clinton. “Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and […]...
4. Dealing with a lawyer A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in […]...
5. St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day An Australian joke… St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo’s stroll up. “Your names aren’t on today’s list… let me go and ask the Boss” he says. In God’s office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo’s, and God tells Peter to go and […]...
6. A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three […]...
7. Entering Pearly Gates Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he […]...
8. Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: “Oh dear, what happened to you?” Di answers: “I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse”. Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: “My God, you look terrible.” Dodi […]...
9. Перевод слова garbage Garbage – отбросы, мусор Перевод слова Garbage dump – мусорная свалка to collect the garbage – собирать мусор to dispose of garbage – избавляться от мусора Please take out the Garbage. Пожалуйста, вынеси мусор. Throw the can in the Garbage. Выбрось банку в мусор. The fee pays for Garbage pickup. Этот сбор платят за вывоз […]...
10. St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, “You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.” Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, I spent […]...
11. Three girls died and were brought to the gates Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.” “Which is…?”, they replied in unison. “Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl. […]...
12. It finally happened A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?” So Saint Peter thought about it a […]...
13. A man walked into a lawyer’s office and A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates. “Fifty dollars for three questions,” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”...
14. Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:”I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand.” St. Peter says:”You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in.” The second says:”I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands.” […]...
15. Перевод слова lawyer Lawyer – адвокат, юрист Перевод слова A lawyer by profession – юрист по профессии lawyer’s clients – клиенты адвоката lawyer practice, practice of law – юридическая практика You should see a Lawyer. Вы должны увидеться с адвокатом. You should talk to a Lawyer. Вам следует проконсультироваться с юристом. I got a letter from my Lawyer. […]...
16. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. “Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 – You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.” “Oh, yes. I’ll never […]...
17. One day a teacher was teaching religion One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class “What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?” Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. “I think your heart goes first because, that’s were your emotions of […]...
18. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a […]...
19. Pick Heaven or Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have […]...
20. Musician Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, “I can do that!” Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach […]...
21. Значение идиомы garbage down [garbage down] {v. phr.}, {slang} To eat eagerly and at great speedwithout much regard for manners or social convention. The childrengarbaged down their food....
22. A priest and a lawyer are walking down A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, “How’d you like to fuck that?” To which the lawyer replied, “Out of what?”...
23. A lawyer named Strange died A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: […]...
24. On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible “What are you doing?” asked the friend. “Looking for loopholes,” repied the lawyer....
25. Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.” “What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?” “No,” replied the […]...
26. Marrying and divorcing in Heaven It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. […]...
27. The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described. Teacher: “The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.” Timmy: ” I know what it is, it’s an apple.” Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way […]...
28. A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle, but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. “Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw […]...
29. Policemen in Heaven St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” “I was a policeman,” he responded. “What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.” “Wonderful my son, […]...
30. Перевод слова teacher Teacher – учитель, преподаватель Перевод слова Teacher edition – издание для учителей; методическое пособие teacher’s college – педагогический институт teacher education – подготовка учителей Experience is a great Teacher. Опыт – великий учитель. As a Teacher he leads. Как учитель он превосходит всех других. She was certified as a Teacher. Она получила диплом учителя. Происхождение […]...
31. A young female teacher was giving an assignment A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just […]...
32. Gates gets punishment Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, “Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every […]...
33. Fidel dies and goes to heaven Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself […]...
34. A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you […]...
35. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace […]...
36. Значение идиомы collector’s item [collector’s item] {n.} Something rare or valuable enough to collect or save. Jimmy’s mother found an old wooden doll in the attic that turned out to be a collector’s item....
37. When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: “I’ll give you a hint. First it’s in your hand, then it’s in your mouth, and then it’s in your tummy.” The teacher smiled and said: […]...
38. Accountant in Heaven An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a […]...
39. In the Sex Ed class the teacher says In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, “All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex.” The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, “Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?” Johnny […]...
40. Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. “Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that […]...