A strange jigsaw puzzle

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1. Humor about Irish Pubs (Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. “Jazus Mick…Well have to turn […]...
2. Irishman declares war Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says “Hello”. The voice at the end of the phone says “Hello Mr. Hussein, it’s Paddy here. I’m just ringing to let you know that we’ve declared war on your country.” SH smiles to himself, “Come on Paddy”, he says, […]...
3. Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia. His mate asked him what it was like. “Australia’s a great place!” Paddy replied. “First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can’t stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you […]...
4. Humor about St. Patrick’s Day Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d […]...
5. THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID, “I THINK I’LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE A BATH.” SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE […]...
6. The local priest came across Paddy who had The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. “Paddy,” he said, ” I’m afraid I’ll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.” “Really, Father?” slurred Paddy. “What have you done?”...
7. It’s Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look It’s Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands […]...
8. Trapped within a bog Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by. “Help!” Paddy shouted, “Oi’m sinkin’!” Don’t worry,” assured Mick. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.” Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy’s hand and pulled and pulled […]...
9. Irish religion jokes Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!” “All right, my son,” admonished the priest. “For penance, finish off the stations!” Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, “Thank you, […]...
10. Kind of awkward A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, […]...
11. A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in […]...
12. Amusing Jokes about the Irish Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a […]...
13. Jokes about St. Patrick’s Day Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that” It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride […]...
14. Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test. Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have […]...
15. Перевод слова strange Strange – незнакомый, странный, необычный Перевод слова Strange malady – странная болезнь in strange lands – в чужих краях strange tongue – незнакомый язык He had a Strange way of talking. У него была странная манера говорить. She behaved in a Strange fashion. Она вела себя очень странно. I don’t like Strange people coming into […]...
16. Значение идиомы for one’s sake [for one’s sake] {adv. phr.}, {informal} Used with differentpossessive nouns to show surprise, crossness, or impatience. Forheaven’s sake, where did you come from? For Pete’s sake, lookwho’s here! Well, for pity’s sake, I wish you’d told me sooner. Oh, for gosh sake, let me do it....
17. Three different kinds of sex Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there’s House Sex: That’s when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime – much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That’s when […]...
18. Paddy was picked up on a rape charge Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed “That’s her! That’s her! I’d recognize her anywhere!”...
19. The work qualification test Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy […]...
20. Equally qualified Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went […]...
21. Значение идиомы for the sake of [for the sake of] or [for one’s sake] {adv. phr.} On behalf of; forthe benefit of. For the sake of truth and freedom, Dr. Sakharov, the Soviet dissident, was willing to be banished from Moscow. “Doit for my sake, please!” Tom begged....
22. An ancient Irishman Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. “Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.” “That’s nothing”, says […]...
23. Strange people are here There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. ‘I’m fine, ‘ Angus said. ‘But there are […]...
24. Tommy goes into a confessional box and says Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says “Yes father, it’s me.” The Priest says “Who was the woman you were with?” Tommy says “I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t […]...
25. Chemistry song 01 The Chemistry Teacher’s Coming to Town You better not weigh You better not heat You better not react I’m telling you now The Chemistry Teacher’s coming to town. He’s collecting data He’s checking it twice He’s gonna find out The heat of melting ice The Chemistry Teacher’s coming to town. He sees you when you’re […]...
26. Irish Pub Jokes Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, “Where are we now?” The guide said, “We’re in the great state of Texas.” “It’s a big place,” said Murphy. The […]...
27. Значение идиомы next door [next door] {adv.} or {adj.} 1. In or to the next house orapartment. He lived next door to me. She telephoned next doorto ask about John. The house next door caught fire. 2. Veryclose. – Used with “to”. The sick man was next door to death. Printing secrets about our country’s missiles is next door […]...
28. The definition of a phallic symbol This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks “Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says “you’re kidding..” Girl says “no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???” Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says “You see? This is a failic symbol!” Girl says “Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller”...
29. The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, “What’s a four letter word, ending in U – N – T that means ‘woman’?” The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn’t even bother to look up. […]...
30. Перевод слова kitchen Kitchen – кухня Перевод слова Kitchen clobber – кухонные приспособления field kitchen – полевая кухня kitchen unit – кухонный комбайн the French kitchen – французская кухня Get out of the Kitchen! Выметайся из кухни! Who messed up the Kitchen? Кто устроил беспорядок на кухне? Lock the cat in the Kitchen. Закрой кота на кухне....
31. Letters to a landlord Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. […]...
32. Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife […]...
33. You can’t bring that dog in this bar A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on […]...
34. Предлоги места на примерах – рядом с домом – besides the house – среди нас – among us – между двумя домами – between the houses – у окна – by the window – у двери – at the door – вокруг стола – round the table – далеко от дома – far from the house – по ту […]...
35. My strange habits В топике Мои странные привычки – я рассказываю о том, что я сильно занята в течение дня, поэтому занимаюсь физическими упражнениями дома, по вечерам. Стараясь выполнять упражнения как можно дольше и без пауз между ними, я теряю много сил. Мой вопрос: должна ли я тратить на упражнения больше времени или 15-ти минут будет достаточно? I […]...
36. GOD will save me The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said “GOD will save me”. The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and […]...
37. Bying a horse This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I’m sending him over.” The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies. So the […]...
38. A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle – Whooee da Whoee! – but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s […]...
39. Appropriate punishment Through the kitchen window a farmer’s wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, “I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig […]...
40. A push A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to […]...