A horrible tragedy

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1. I didn’t get any money this timeA man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, «You look terrible. What’s the problem?» «My mother died in August,» he said, «and left me $25,000.» «Gee, that’s tough,» he replied. «Then in September,» the friend continued, «My father died, leaving me $90,000.» «Wow. Two ... Читать далее...
2. A wild partySam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace ... Читать далее...
3. Seasons and MonthsA year is the average time it takes for the Earth to go once round the Sun. There are 12 months or 52 weeks or 365 days in a year. Every four years there is a leap year. It has 366 days. The names of the months are: January, February, March, April, May, June, July, ... Читать далее...
4. Giving sad news to a troopThe Captain called the Sergeant in. «Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.» So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. «Listen up, men,» says the Sergeant. «Johnson, report to the mess hall ... Читать далее...
5. SeasonsТопик Сезоны дает описания сезонов (или времен) года. Затем – каждый сезон рассматривается отдельно: описывается погода и отличительные черты каждого из 3-х месяцев сезона. Из этого топика вы также узнаете, какой день самый длинный в году, а какой – самый короткий. Winter, spring, summer and autumn are the seasons of the year. December, January and ... Читать далее...
6. Remember a childA young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. «Pardon me,» she said, «I’m sorry if my ... Читать далее...
7. Summer in BelarusHello! My name is Masha. I want to tell you about summer and summer’s month in Belarus. The weather in summer in Belarus is very changeable. June is often rainy, wet and cloudy. You can see drizzles, showers, heavy rains and thunderstorms in June in Belarus. But June is usually warm month-average temperature in June ... Читать далее...
8. I trust you that you paidA man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. «But I paid, don’t you remember?» says the customer. «Okay,» says the bartender, «If you said you paid, you did.» The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees ... Читать далее...
9. Describing Stomach ProblemsThere’s nothing I enjoy more than spending a couple of hours relaxing at a cafe. I sit drinking my tea and reading. What could be better? Woman: So I think I may have to see a doctor soon. You know I’ve had these terrible pains in my Stomach. My Digestion is terrible and now I ... Читать далее...
10. The definition of a phallic symbolThis girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks «Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says «you’re kidding..» Girl says «no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???» Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says «You see? This is a failic symbol!» Girl says «Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller»...
11. Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. PeterLady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: «Oh dear, what happened to you?» Di answers: «I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse». Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: «My God, you look terrible.» Dodi ... Читать далее...
12. Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites herStacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, ... Читать далее...
13. Donald MacDonald from the Isle of SkyeDonald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements ... Читать далее...
14. Refusing an InvitationJune: Did you get an Invitation to Kelly’s party? Roberto: Yes, I did. I’m going To send my regrets. How about you? June: I’m trying to find an Excuse not To attend, without Kelly Taking offense. Roberto: Couldn’t you just tell her that you Have another engagement that night? June: I used that little White ... Читать далее...
15. This woman has her bridge club every Thursday nightThis woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. «Oh, no! I ... Читать далее...
16. A man went to the doctor for a check upA man went to the doctor for a check up. «How do you feel?» asked the doctor. «Fine.» he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, «How many times do you have sex per month?» «About two or three.» the man replied. «You should be doing better than that.» the doctor ... Читать далее...
17. A horrible curseAn old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a «Curse» he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says «maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.» The old man says without hesitation ... Читать далее...
18. Перевод слова JuneJune — Июнь Перевод слова Break of June — первые дни июня end june — конца июня june apple — сорт ранних яблок june solstice — летнее солнцестояние I finished school last June. Я закончил школу в июне прошлого года. Dawn comes early in June. В июне светает рано. The mare will foal in June. ... Читать далее...
19. Значение идиомы die away[die away] or [die down] {v.} To come slowly to an end; grow slowlyness or weaker. The wind died down. The music died away. He waited until the excitement had died down. His mother’s anger died away....
20. A man takes his dog for a walk in the parkA man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he’s there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, «Man, I sure wish I could do that.» The dog ... Читать далее...
21. Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horribleMary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she’d had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. «Well, what happened when you got there?» Jill asked «The bastard called me a slut!» Mary said. «And what did you do then?» Jill asked, shocked. «I told him to get the ... Читать далее...
22. Перевод слова terribleTerrible — ужасный, кошмарный, жуткий Перевод слова Terrible flirt — ужасная кокетка terrible nightmare — страшный сон terrible ordeal — ужасное испытание Rick’s a Terrible gossip. Рик ужасный сплетник. A Terrible rage possessed her. Страшный гнев овладел ею. His death will be a Terrible blow. Его смерть будет страшным ударом....
23. Перевод слова tragedyTragedy — трагедия, трагическая ситуация Перевод слова Tragedy and comedy — трагедия и комедия the tragedy of his life — трагедия его жизни historical tragedy — историческая трагедия This is an unspeakable Tragedy. Это ужасная трагедия. The novel weds Tragedy and comedy. Роман сочетает в себе трагедию и комедию. He throned it always like a ... Читать далее...
24. A man walks into a friend and seesA man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, «What’s happened to your car?» «Well,» the friend responses, «I ran into a lawyer». «OK,» says the man, «that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, ... Читать далее...
25. Two Irishmen are sitting in a barTwo Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick’s looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, «well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I’ve just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp.» Patrick says, «that’s terrible, did he go to the ... Читать далее...
26. A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrotA middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous ... Читать далее...
27. Office CompetitionOkay, everybody. Listen up. We’re approaching the end of the month. Unless you’re new here, you know that we are in Competition with our Rival, the East Coast office, to have the most sales this period. At the beginning of the month, we Pulled ahead and it looked like we were finally going To turn ... Читать далее...
28. A nun arrives at the local barJohn was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. «You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!» Now John ... Читать далее...
29. A man calls his mother in FloridaA man calls his mother in Florida. «Mom, how are you?» «Not too good,»says the mother. «I’ve been very weak.» The son says, «Why are you so weak?» She says, «Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.» The man says, «That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, «Because I didn’t ... Читать далее...
30. Перевод слова horribleHorrible — жуткий, страшный, ужасный Перевод слова Horrible disease — страшное заболевание horrible wrong — ужасная несправедливость horrible weather — отвратительная погода horrible devastation — страшные разрушения It is Horrible to work there. Здесь отвратительно работать. Why are you so Horrible to me? Почему вы так ужасно относитесь ко мне? Her face was Horribly scarred. ... Читать далее...
31. Little girl walks into the bathroomA little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks «What’s that?» Her sister replies «That is my possum, sis!» The young girl replies «Oh, OK» The next day she sees her mother get out of the ... Читать далее...
32. PsychoanalysisOne of Sigmund Freud’s early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. «Oh, it’s just terrible,» she wailed. «Today the doctor told me I’m ... Читать далее...
33. How you made moneyA young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, «Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. «I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the ... Читать далее...
34. A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly beingA blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her «go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?» The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she ... Читать далее...
35. The couple was dining out when the wife noticedThe couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. «Elliot,» she said, pointing «do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?» The husband looked over and nodded. «Well,» the woman continued, «he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!» The husband returned ... Читать далее...
36. A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimedA psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, «I heard you died.» «But you see I’m alive,» smiled the friend. «Impossible,» said the psychiatrist. «The man who told me is much more reliable than you.»...
37. A pregnant woman is about to give birthA pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, «Are you my dad?». The doctor says, «No, I am your doctor!». ... Читать далее...
38. Juggler, driving to his next performanceJuggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. ‘What are those knives doing in your car?’ asked the officer. ‘I juggle them in my act.’ Oh yeah?’ says the cop. ‘Let’s see you do it.’ So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, ... Читать далее...
39. Love to DeathA man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments — lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, ... Читать далее...
40. Упражнения «Названия месяцев и времена года» (Months and seasons)1. Расставьте в названиях месяцев буквы по порядку. U S A T G U M E D R C E B E R E Y U F A R B V O E B M E N R A L I R P 2. Вставьте пропущенные буквы. …an…ary Se…tem…er J…n… …ct…ber Ma…c… 3. Напишите для ... Читать далее...