A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts
Learning – or better still, thinking up – names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being “Who smelled it, dealt it,” or “The smeller’s the feller.”
Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane’s Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.
Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa 1880 – see also “SBD’s”).
Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled pride.
Carpet Creepers: Heavier – than – air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere
Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
Fudgies: See Wet Ones.
One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually signified BY the the artist’s “tilting”. Ricocheting off metal “bridge chairs” or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.
Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.
SBD’s: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.
Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.
Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.
Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.
Wet Ones: (aka Brewer’s Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking funny.
Whiffers: see Poohs.
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